goodbye, old studio!

craig is getting a bigger set!  as craig ferguson says goodbye to the studio he has been performing 'the late late show with craig ferguson' in for the past seven and a half years, he explained a bit about what is in store for the show:
'the new studio will be the same old crap, people have said 'oh, whats the set going to be like?' its going to be like this- the same set!  the same set!  i know what you are thinking, 'they dont do that in tv'.  thats right, they dont!  we are taking this set and adding a bit on to it.  i'm not kidding!  people have been saying to me 'i dont want the show to change!'  i'm like 'who are you?  everyone else does!'  frankly i dont know whats wrong with change, people in the audience during the commercial break are always saying 'spare change?  spare change?'  if you are a regular viewer of this show i'm sorry.  but you know i come out here every night, i stand in this spot, and i talk about whatever is on my mind.  i've done 1565 opening monologues with four jokes spread out over that time.  the new studio will have all the usual talk show stuff, you know, we will have the desk, the chairs, the podium, the audience pleasure dungeon, the glory holes, the glass unicorns, the sex swing, the ferrets, the monkeys, the handcuffs, the bedazzelers, the mimes, and fred willard!  you know, all the classic talk show stuff.  you know the one thing is that we will have a bigger audience.  it wont make much of a difference, it will just be more people not laughing.  the new studio will be super high tech, there will be these new fancy gadgets that are on all the tv shows now, they are called 'lights'.  and lesbian row will be much bigger.  i dont mean we are getting more seats, i just mean we are getting bigger lesbians!'
at the end of the show, craig gathered together everyone who works on the show for one last hurrah, ending the night with the promise 'we will see you when we come back everybody!  good night!'

8-08-12

+ 'it is a very emotional day for the staff of this show', craig ferguson admits, 'and by staff i mean me, and by emotional i mean 'meh'.  we have been at this studio, stage 58, cbs television city.  i've been here seven and a half years, tonight is our last night here, our last night.  dont get excited, we havent been cancelled!  we are finally moving to another studio, we are moving on up!  you know when you are about to leave something and you realize how much you are going to miss it?  well, that the opposite of what's going on here!  seven years of me complaining about what a dump this place is and finally somebody at cbs heard me.  and today they sent me a little note, it said 'looking forward to the next chapter in our relationship!'  it kind of bummed me though because the just wrote my name over katie curic's!  we are not moving far, the new studio is just down the hall.  its not ready yet, but its where they used to film the pat sajak show.  thats why its taking so long to get ready, they are trying to scrub out that sajak smell!  he smells like vowels...  i have a lot of fond memories though, there was the time the power went out, the time the roof leaked, and the other time the power went out again.  but now we are moving down the hall where it has the exact same electrical system and the exact same roof!  we will be living the dream!'
- chris hardwick stops by to help out with the tweets and emails
- carla gugino

8-07-12

+ 'today is gymnastics in the olympics', craig ferguson reminds, 'now, i have a confession to make.  i used to think that gymnastics wasnt a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard.  i have learned something, i do not need an excuse to wear a leotard!  people often ask me, they say 'craig, whats the difference between a leotard and a unitard?' they say.  i'm not really sure, i think the main difference is a leotard has exposed legs, like me if i ever win an oscar.  i'll be like angelina jolie.  the leotard was named after the man who invented it. he was a french trapeze artist, his name was jules ballhugger.  no, his name was jules leotard, that was his name.  he's probably the most famous guy to have clothes named after him.  right after bob spankz, steve jeggings, tom coat, and simon trousers.  anyway, when you watch the gymnasts on tv you always see them powdering up their hands to soak up the sweat.  i think they should use a big sham-wow!  you know, i spent the entire 1980's with my hands covered in white powder...  it was a result of my two favorite hobbies at the time:  cocaine, and punching mimes!'
* rachael ray who showed up a bit late, forcing craig to make himself a cup of noodles.
= the imagineers

8-06-12

+ 'its week two of the olympics', craig ferguson states, 'anyway, its the second week of the olympics and i've still got olympic fever- just look at my nipples!  today, of course, was the shot put.  the track and field event where the athletes spin around and then throw a 16 pound ball as far as possible.  or as i call it: foreplay!  did you know that wrestling started at the olympics as well?  the original olympics had lots of different types of wrestling.  youve got the greco roman, the freestyle, the jello, mud, and hot oil wresting.  i've been mistaken for a wrestler before.  i asked 'is it because i look strong?'  'no, because you are wearing a unitard and tights' and i said 'touche, officer!'  you know what i never understood about wrestling?  why dont they allow professional wrestling at the olympics?  they allow pro basketball and pro hockey players there.  they should have pro wrestlers.  the team from mexico could wear their masks, the swedish wrestlers could hit people with chairs from ikea, the french could hit his opponent with a baguette.  or perhaps just surrender.'
* stephen king
* dave barry
= rock bottom remainders

8-03-12

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'there's a big hollywood movie coming out today called total recall.  its a remake of the arnold schwarzenegger classic.  total recall is a movie that has two haunting questions: 1. what is reality? and b. will you pay to see a movie that kind of sucked the first time?  when i heard that they were remaking total recall i thought 'you cant do that, its a recent movie'.  then i realized its twenty two years old!  twenty two years? i'm old!  anyway, the new total recall and the old total recall are apparently totally different different.  you know, other than the title, thats the same.  and the premise and the tone and the characters and the script, but other than that...  instead of arnold, this one's got colin farrell.  i dont know if he's a good replacement because, well, he can act!  anyway, total recall is about a man who wakes up with no memory, which is perfect for colin farrell- he is irish, after all.  calin farrell's character is a spy and his wife is an assassin who is trying to kill him.  thats why they couldnt bring back arnold, he could never relate to a character who's wife wants to kill him!'
+ after reading a tweet on the show, craig decides that he now wants to be called 'johnny memphis'!
- edward norton
- malin akerman

8-02-12

+ 'something is going on this week thats just as important as the olympics', craig ferguson informs, 'maybe even more important.  shark week?  yes, that is going on, but no.  something even more terrifying than sharks.  this week is international clown week.  thats true!  not just domestic clown week- international clown week!  i cant believe i made it all the way to thursday without acknowledging clown week!  its a real thing!  it was signed in to law on this day in 1971 by the great president nixon.  one of the many great things he did for america.  am i right people who dont know a motherfucking thing about history!  anyway, i think clowns get a bad rap.  they are my second favorite thing about going to the circus.  my first favorite thing about going to the circus is not going to the circus!  some people think that clowns are descended from the medieval court jester, i dont i think they are just creepy jerks in make up.  some people think that clowns are scary.  and these people are called 'correct!'.  i dont know why clowns are a bit scary, i just know that they are scary.  i think its that clowns are really talking mimes!'
- rashida jones stops by to help out with tweets and emails
+ larry king's guide to london
- julie delpy

8-01-12

+ at the top of the show, craig ferguson often invites a guest from the audience to chat with him.  this time it was a british musician named david robinson.  unbeknownst to craig, david plays the harmonica!  after showing off his skills, he was awarded the coveted golden mouth organ!
+ 'its a big show business birthday today', craig ferguson shares, 'who is it?  mtv.  music television started on this day in 1981.  the first video they ever played was the song 'video killed the radio star'.  its a little on the nose if you ask me.  it would be like if bravo started with 24 hours of gay porn! a lot of people dont know this but the second video on mtv was by pat benatar.  i could actually remember seeing pat benatar on the screen.  you know, the high heels, tight sweaters, the gothy hooker make up.  i though 'bitch stole my look!'  did you, this is true, in the 1980's i was drunk.  the entire 1980's!  i actually auditioned to be an mtv vj in new york in the 80's.  thats true.  the producers said i wasnt right and i said drunkenly 'is that because i'm scottish?' 'what did you say?' 'is it becaoauidsfpao amsdfpmkasd!'  they said 'no no, its because you are not wearing anything but an olivia newton john headband and a shimmery vest!'  i said 'yeah, well, bitch stole my look again!'.'
- selma blair
- adam savage  adam also takes up the harmonica challenge and also received the golden mouth organ!

larry king's guide to london

larry king, frequent guest and friend of the late late show with craig ferguson, gives us a brief guide to london.  just in time for the olympics, king shares small bits of wisdom like this:
'i'm standing in front of buckingham palace', larry says, 'i thought they would let me in because my last name is king.  i thought wrong. oh, and an fyi: they have tazers over here too.'
'you know, in england the law states that a pregnant woman may relieve herself wherever she wishes.  i say, hey, why let them have all the fun!'

7-31-12

+ 'last night on the show i had olympic fever', craig ferguson admits, 'now unfortunately its getting worse, and thats not good.  apparently i have to call my doctor if the torch keeps burning for more than four hours.  today's events at the olympics are equestrian events, sailing, and table tennis.  in other words, its a big day for white people today!  equestrian and sailing, now these are sports for people who grew up on the mean streets of connecticut.  'oh, i'm sorry mummy, i cant go to the ragatta, my head sail got caught in the jib mast. and then something happened on the boat...'  sailing sounds cool, at least it sounds better than yachting, which just sounds like something mit romney would do at his indoor lake.  i've been sailing before and i liked it, but i wouldnt want to watch it in tv.  its like sex, you know, half the fun is feeling the wind blowing through your hair, the sun beating down on your head, and the spray washing all over your body.  thats what happens when you go sailing!  everything went smoothly for the sailing events today except for the british team which unfortunately forgot limes and got skervy.  anyway, what else did they do today at the olympics?  there was table tennis, which is just a fancy way of saying ping pong.  can olympic air hockey be far behind?'
- rosie perez

7-30-12

+ 'over in london the olympics are well underway now!' craig ferguson shares, 'records are being broken, theres a lot of grunting, people are holding their breathe, then i step out of the bathroom and go watch the olympics!  i have to tell you, after a long weekend, i woke up this morning and i have got olympic fever!  i cant tell you how long it will last, but i will tell you that i was never able to cure my world cup herpes.  anyway, the olympics are kicked off with a bang.  millions of people are watching the most celebrated athlete in the world.  the guy everyone wants to see in action, men want to be him, women want to be with him.  thats right, i'm talking about u.s. archer brady ellison!  maybe not.  i'm really talking about swimming of course, the olympic swimming is kind of like the presidential election: every four years we pretend to give a crap.'
+ larry king's guide to london
- emma roberts
> paula poundstone