2-15-12

+ 'i was a bit nervous this morning', craig ferguson admits, 'today is the day of my annual physical.  i went to my doctor, he's a very old fashioned country doctor. and by that i mean he uses leeches.  they are his receptionists.  no no, i just took a lot of drugs today.  no, not really.  i've had this doctor for years, so he's seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show in the middle of the night.  earlier today he gave me the exam, and yes, the rumors are true: i'm pregnant!  so far the tests aren't back, but i got a clean bill of health. he gave me the blood test, the lung test, the 'finger' test... i get them all every year, except the finger test, i get that every week.  sometimes by a doctor!  anyway, before the finger test, this is true, before the finger test he checks out your junk to make sure everything is where its supposed to be.  now, i'm european, if you know what i'm saying.  certain parts of my body are different from many american born men.  lets just say my captain wears his cap to dinner...  my doctor, you know, has seen this before, but today he looks at it and says 'you know, i could fix that up for you'  i ask 'what do you mean?'  'you know, tidy it up'.  i'm like 'leave it alone!'  he did the finger test and he said that my prostate is a little enlarged but that's normal for a man your age.  i said 'i don't think its enlarged, i think it just gets enlarged because of what you are doing right now!'
- jon cryer
- morena baccarin

2-14-12

+ 'its valentine's day, everybody', criag ferguson states, 'yes, its valentines. to the love birds out there, happy valentines day, to single folks out there, congratulations on not wasting money on overpriced garbage.  and to our studio audience, i wrote a poem.  here it is: roses are red, daisies are white, i'm sorry you didn't get in to the price is right.  i would give you some valentines tips, but if you are watching this show, clearly your valentines went poorly...  you know what i find insensitive?  that sports illustrated put out their swimsuit issue out today- on valentines day!  that doesn't seem appropriate.  this magazine full of photographs of busty young women- not today!  that's like handing out free bacon on passover!  its not the time!'
- betty white comes out to make a proposal
= joss stone and dave stewart

2-13-12

+ 'it is a great day for america's favorite plastic doll: ryan seacrest.' craig ferguson corrects 'no no, the original barbie debuted on this day in 1959.  the original barbie is now worth ten thousand dollars!  you know what that means?  i have got eighty grand on my night stand!  thank you, gentleman callers!  i'm very excited today, and not just because of barbie, i'm excited about barbie every single day!  today and tomorrow in new york city is the event i look forward to all year:  the westminster dog show!  there are many dog shows of course, but westminster is the big one.  its the oscars of dog shows.  the westminster dog show and the oscars are very different of course, one is nothing but yapping and butt sniffing, and the other is the dog show...'
- carol burnett
# phil keoghan

2-10-12

+ 'its friday!  but not any old friday', craig ferguson shares, 'there's a bunch of movies opening today.  so many, i might be overwhelmed and spend the whole weekend on the couch eating ice cream.  thats what i do when i am overwhelmed.  and when i'm underwhelmed.  and when i'm just whelmed.  one of the movies opening today is star wars: episode 1 in 3D.  there are a lot of people excited about that, i am not.  'now in 3D: jar jar binks crapping all over star wars!'  to be fair though, i bet star wars is different in 3D, the action comes right at you, the special effects make your head spin, the robots are even gayer!  you know the 3D effects are so realistic you can actually see george lucas coming out of the screen and reaching out to take the money from your wallet!'
- chelsea handler
# dan riskin

2-09-12

+ 'its a great day, of course, for sir paul mccartney', craig ferguson shares, 'just a few hours ago in hollywood he finally got his star on the hollywood walk of fame.  i cant believe he didnt already have one!  and after getting his star on hollywood boulevard, paul mccartney played a couple songs from his new album which is called 'kisses on the bottom'.  thats true!  which are also avalible on hollywood boulevard.  you tell em' i sent you and you will also get a yellow submarine!'
- lisa kudrow
= weird al yankovic sings and talks to craig!

bag of quarters

when a guest is done on the late late show with craig ferguson, they are offered an option on how they would like to end their time: awkward pause, mouth organ, or go for the big cash prize.  usually the guests go for the big cash prize, which is a stack of fifty singles that they can win.  recently though, the stack of singles has been replaced with a bag full of quarters!  why the change?  well, craig explains the new money bag when he offers it to 'NCIS' star mark harmon: 'we have the big cash prize which is fifty dollars in quarters!  and you know its real because its in a sack with a dollar sign on it!  CBS just decided that if i give out the prize in quarters there's more chance the celebrities will give it back!  i've just been giving out 50 dollars in singles and everybody is like 'awesome!' and they are out of here.  and then the agents are like 'hey, five of that's mine! five of that's mine!'

2-08-12

+ 'it's boy scout day today', craig ferguson shares, 'yes!  this is the big day if you are a boy scout, the boy scouts were founded 102 years ago this very day.  the real boy scout slogan is 'do a good turn daily' which is kind of vague.  what does it mean?  do i just turn like this?  i think i just got a merit badge in 'fierce'!  i was briefly a member of the boy scouts when i was ten years old.  my dad signed me up, he said the boy scouts would be something for us to share together.  he dropped me off a meeting and said 'let me know how it goes'. oh laugh at my pain.  in scotland the scout masters had the exact same uniforms as the boys, you know, the same shorts, the same badges, the same canteen filled with whiskey!  i went to a boy scout camp the short time i was there, it was a place called windy ridge.  we were sleeping in sleeping bags and it was so cold, i was a little nervous, i had never been away from home before, and i peed my sleeping bag.  this is true, in a weird twist of fate, the pee escaped from my sleeping bag.  i dont want to be too graphic about it, but the pee landed on the sleeping bag of the boy sleeping next to me in the tent.  so it would appear that he had peed his sleeping bag, when i knew all the time it was me!  so when i woke up i did what any boy scout would do: i blamed him for peeing on himself!  and for the rest of the trip everyone called him mr. peebody.  and years later i won the peabody award for talking to desmond tutu about doing the right thing even when no one is looking!  its so ironic!  thats true!'
- christina applegate
# brad goreski

2-07-12

+ 'of course most of you will be tuned in tonight to hear today's big story and have me talk about it so i will and i will be happy to', craig ferguson admits, 'it is of course, the birthday of charles dickens.  what the hell?!?  and i didnt get him anything!  if charles dickens were still alive, he would be 200 years old today.  of course, he's dead.  he died last october.  it was a hot air balloon accident, his mustache caught fire.  it was terribly sad, yet hilarious!  isnt that dickens all over?  today in london there was a very touching ceremony to honor charles dickens in west minster abby where he is burried.  the actor ralph finnes read one of his books aloud.  because who better to honor charles dickens than voldemort!  perfect!  after that prince charles laid a wreath on his grave.  charles dickens wrote so many iconic novels, he wrote oliver twist, great expectations, tale of two cities, some of the best books ever written really.  he wrote 'the girl with the dragon tattoo', that was dickens.  he originally called it 'the lass with the serpentine bussom'.  see, dickens wrote in a very unique style because a lot of his stuff was published in monthly installments and he would get paid by the word, so he would write more words so he would get paid more.  makes sense.  so he wouldn't write 'the man went up the stares', he would right 'mr. crumblydumbly went up the crickldy dickledy staircase one humbly dimbly step at a time'.  that's fifty bucks right there!  i wish i got payed by the word out here, but they would just take it away every time i cussed, so i'd be broke.'
- kenneth branagh
> chad daniels

2-06-12

+ 'congratulations, of course, to the new york giants', craig ferguson exclaims, 'it was a great game.  i also liked the half time show with madonna.  she came in carried by an army of muscle bound dudes.  its a good thing she wasn't carried in by the patriots or they would have dropped her!  madonna played a bunch of her hits, she was alright, she was pretty good... i tell ya, that british dude can really sing!  you know what i could have done without though? MIA giving the crowd the finger.  i was like 'what are you doing?!?' this is outrageous, you dont use the finger or use expletives, thats for performers who aren't confident in their own abilities... or possibly have a really atrocious writing staff!  i'm a little concerned thought that we are running out of top shelf music acts for the half time shows.  we've had U2, we had springsteen, prince, a couple years ago we had paul mccartney.  everyone today was talking about the commercials.  remember that one with david beckham in his underwear?  i never quite figured out what that one was for.  i'm thinking it was for some kind of sausage...  at first i thought it was a psa warning about the dangers of plum smuggling... i've watched it like 20 times and i still dont know what it was for.'
- mark harmon
- martha plimpton

2-03-12

+ 'everyone is counting down the hours until super bowl 46', craig ferguson states, 'or as its officially known, super bowl XLVI.  why do they do that?  i guess because football fans really love deciphering mathematics from ancient things.  its a great match up, of course, the new york giants versus the new england patriots, its a rematch of the unforgettable super bowl 44.  unforgettable because it ended with me sobbing cause i forgot to dvr the puppy bowl on animal planet!  sometimes i wish they would combine the super bowl with the puppy bowl.  i think a lot of people would love to see dogs going after michael vick!  the big reason people love the super bowl is because of the food!  its a great time for eating pizza, burgers, chips and dip.  there's your four food groups right there!  people go all out with the snacks on super bowl sunday.  this year i am making a replica of the palace of versailles out of bologna!  it will be difficult to top last years snack though, when i made the ham-pire state building!  this year's game is expected to be the biggest game in tv history.  so remember car thieves, sunday night is your best bet to get out there and work!'
- rachel bilson
* jonathan ames

2-02-12

+ 'its a great day for mitt romney, or course', craig ferguson states, 'he was endorsed by donald trump.  it was a split decision though, the thing on trump's head endorsed gingrich!  anyway, the thing on trumps head isnt the only groundhog in the news, it is of course groundhog day today.  punxatawney phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter.  a groundhog is not an accurate weather predictor.  its just not true.  a groundhog knows about as much about weather as mitt romney knows about poor people.  as wikipedia knows about fact checking.  as david hasselhoff knows about eating a hamburger from a table.  as herman cain and bill clinton know about abstinence.  now if you dont know what a groundhog is, its a big rodent.  its the same as a woodchuck.  so when you hear 'how much wood would a woodchuck chuck' its actually referring to a groundhog.  and the answer is of course, lots and lots of wood.  like a party at elton john's house.'
- daniel radcliffe
> mark forward

2-01-12

+ 'not such a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'he won in florida yesterday and then he went and put his foot in his mouth.  he said in an interview today, and i quote, 'i'm not that concerned about the very poor'.  isn't anybody even trying to win this?!?  to be fair, to mitt romney, the very poor is anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.  he's very rich.  anyway, newt gingrich came in second yesterday, but he has vowed to stay in the race.  he has said 'i'm staying in the race no matter what'.  people are comparing him to hillary clinton in 2008.  well, hillary clinton and newt gingrich are very similar, both spent the 90's trying to find out who bill was sleeping with...  they are very similar, and i think they both have the same tailor.'
- william shatner
- kathryn hahn

1-31-12

+ 'if you are like me, you've probably been playing close attention to the big story', craig ferguson admits, 'and the results are in, tonight was a big game changer: yes, it was the best episode of glee yet!  i'm talking about the big florida primary, it was mitt romney vs. newt gingrich.  we are live of course, so congratulations... big winner.  it was probably mitt romney, which is too bad really cause it means rick santorum is out of the race.  santorum says that gingrich is too hot, and romney is too cold, but he's the goldilocks candidate.  and i'm thinking 'yeah, nothing gets voters more excited than comparing yourself to tepid porridge.  politicians have to reach a lot of people in florida, its a very diverse population.  you've got old people there, and then really old people!  that's why the third place in today's primary when to bunion cream!  the republican nomination process still has a long way to go, the winner today gets 50 delegates, but you need 1100 to win the nomination.  and if you get 10,000 points you get three stars on level 8.  wait, that's angry birds, isn't it?  i'll get you yet, helmet pig!'
= ringo starr

1-30-12

+ 'i'm glad to be back', craig ferguson shares, 'last week i was out doing stand up.  well, i call it stand up, but its just talking.  i was in the south in the midwest.  i always love going out on the road, but its a bit insulting when you see people in the front row trying to change the channel!  i'm like 'i'm right here!'  'its like he's in the room' 'i am in the room!' 'where's fallon?'.  i stayed in some great hotels while i was on the road, and none of them were haunted.  except one!  i cant tell you which one, but it was the hotel deco in omaha nebraska!  it was haunted!  the hotel deco is listed on the national register of historic places, and soon they will be adding a plaque that says 'craig ferguson crapped his pants here!'  i want to be clear, the staff was great, the hotel was fine, it was very friendly.  there was a woman who was standing out front as i was checking in, and she said 'you know this hotel is haunted!'  i told the elevator guy that the woman out there says the place is haunted and he said 'you know, there hasnt been a woman out there in 20 years!'  then i'm in the right place!'
- don cheadle
- andrea riseborough

1-20-12

+ 'this weekend is a very big one in hollywood, its the first big award show of the year', craig ferguson states, 'the ceremony where the world gathers to honor those who have made us laugh, who have made us cry, who has helped us masturbate.  its the porno awards this weekend!  i shouldnt call them the porno awards.  porno is a derogatory term, it implies a negative value judgement.  the proper word in erotica.  anyway, this weekend's show is called the avn awards because they are sponsored by the adult video news.  thats the adult industry's paper of record.  its like newsweek for guys in trench coats.  it would be great to be a reporter for the adult video news, that would be great!  'this just in... and out... and in again!'.'
- larry the cable guy
= 3 doors down