2-10-09

+ 'its a great day to be a dog', craig ferguson admits, 'today is the finals of the westminster dog show. i am definitely a dog person, i love dogs. i've said it before, if you dont like dogs then go and join your buddies in al qaida! on you go, you bastard! off you go to torabora you dog hating communist! i love talking about the dog shows as well because cbs cant stop me from saying 'bitch!' the westminster dog show is the grandaddy of them all. its like the oscars of dog shows, the speeches are shorter though. there's slightly less butt sniffing at the dog show. the dogs are judged by a very odd criteria: their coats, eye shape, and their testicles. it's actually exactly like the oscars, now that i think of it...'

+ michael caine in spain

- sean combs

- olivia williams

grammys

this past weekend craig ferguson appeared on the grammy awards. he was an introducer and he introduced katy perry, then she came on and sang.

2-09-09

+ there was a big movie over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'it was called 'he's just not that into you'. and according to the surveys most of the people who saw it were women. actually, all the people who saw it were women. and me. i'm kidding, i didn't see it, but it wont stop me from talking about it! i'll just make stuff up- i'm like rush limbaugh except i can see my own pee pee. now, the easiest way to tell if a guy is into you is if he's willing to see 'he's just not that into you' with you. then he's into you. or gay.'

+ bono and the edge at the grammys

- michael clark duncan

= adele

* richard zoglin

magic week

this week was magic week and craig has had a different magician on each day, including lance burton, ed alonzo, jason hudy, and jason randal. the best part of magic week was the introductions of the magician each day by neil patrick harris! he is a big fan of magic and hosted an award show for magicians recently. he was hilarious- one of the intro started out like this: 'a lot of people wonder why magicians always wear tuxedos. i'll tell you why they wear tuxedos, its because they are effing classy!'

2-06-09

+ 'the grammys are this weekend,' craig ferguson starts, 'a lot of people have criticized the grammys for being out of touch, and you can see their point. even the name 'grammy' is short for gramaphone- the ward is a big old record player with a horny thing. they are a bit out of touch, there have been some glaring embarassments in grammy history, like the time when jethro tull won best heavy metal album over metalica. how can that happen?!? jethro tull has a flute, they've got a flute in jethro tull! a flude is not heavy metal unless you're a hobbit!'

- kristen bell

magic: craig saws kristen bell in half!

= alex kapranos, lead singer of franz ferdinand talks and sings

2-05-09

+ there's a leak in the late late show's studio, and craig ferguson warns us in his intro 'brace yourselves everyone, this could get damp...'

+ this situation leads to one of craigs funniest, angriest monologues in a long time: 'its not such a great day here in the glamorous land of show business... look!' craig points to a bucket on the floor, 'now, you probably cant tell by looking out the window, but it's raining here in las angeles, and guess what? even though i have the best studio in television, its leaking!!!' craig yells angrily. 'have you no shame, cbs? have you no shame? this is outrageous. here's a clue, im originally from scotland and i came to live in l.a., can you guess why? i'll press through, i'll press through.

we'll do the show anyway, and you know why? why not... its only rain. although im a bit scared, not of rain, i'm just a bit scared generally. i thought when i stopped drinking i would be done playing places with buckets on the floor...'

- gary shandling a legend, and through out the interview continually compliments craig on the funny rantings about the leaky roof

magic: ed alonzo

email magic

in honor of magic week, craig ferguson unveils another email jingle, this one features all kinds of magical imagry, including craig dressed up as a magical wizard!

2-04-09

+ today was not such a great day on wall street,' craig ferguson explains, 'because the president opened up a can of whoop-ass on the wall street fat cats. obama's putting salary caps for executives that work for companies that take the government bailout money. these CEOs are furious because the limit to what they can make is five hundred thousand dollars. cry me a fucking river! half a million dollars! now that might sound like a lot of money, but you've got to remember a lot of these guys live in manhattan where an orange juice costs twenty grand, but still... for most of these wall street clowns thats a huge pay cut, some of them had been making hundreds of millions a year. they say these huge salaries were justified because it took a lot of hard work to drive these magnificent companies into the ground. these arent just run of the mill execs were talking about, these guys are the cream of the crap. they have a point because anybody at all, you, me, fabio, anybody can make stupid decisions and reduce a banks capital to zero, but it takes a genius to go straight past zero and end up billions of dollars in the red!

+ a talk with a joe biden impersonator

- samuel l. jackson

magic: jason hudy

2-03-09

+ as always, its a great day for america, craig ferguson tells us, 'but not such a great day for batman, or as he's known in real life, the actor christian bale. its all over the interwebs today, its five minutes of christian bale yelling at a guy, now we cant play the tape for you because the language is not appropriate for tv. its a lot of what the kids call 'f-bombs'. theres a couple 'mf-bombs, and actually there are some z-bombs. that's right, he was so mad he was making up cuss words that began with the letter z... i'm out raged too, everybody. everyone who's heard this tape says its very offensive, except of course for governor blagojavich who says its kind of amateur, not really cussy enough.'

- robin williams

magic: jason randal

2-02-09

+ today is the start of magic week!

'did you watch the super bowl yesterday?' asks craig ferguson, 'me too! now here's the thing- the tv stations in arizona during the super bowl- did you hear about this?- they accidentally put on thirty seconds of porn in the middle of the game! it was the most disturbing thing broadcast during a football game since they accidentally showed the detroit lions! people were frightened! everyone in arizona was surprised by this porn, they thought the referees were the only ones who sucked, but no...

+ espn uk

- alfred molina

magician: lance burton

1-30-09

+ the super bowl is only two days away and craig ferguson shares about football: 'you may be surprised to know that i am a big football fan, it certainly surprised the hell out of me! cause one minute i'm sitting in a european cafe smoking, smelling my own body oder, the next minute i'm wearing a helmet made out of nachos slamming my face into a bowl of guacamole. then i came to america. where i grew up football was different. it was about kicking a ball with our feet. i don't know where we came up with the name 'football', it seems so stupid now... where i grew up the game itself was quite tame, we kept the extreme violence in the stands. so when i saw a game where the violence is actually built into the game, i thought 'thats the way to do it- let the people who are getting paid knock the hell out of each other!'.'

- michael sheen

> russell peters

= sharon jones and the dap kings

1-29-09

+ 'the series premiere of 'hell's kitchen' was on earlier tonight, craig ferguson says, 'i love 'hell's kitchen'! you know, with the people competing and the food and cooking. it's like project runway for people who actually eat food. i don't know why they call it 'hell's kitchen', the food in hell would be terrible. it would be all burnt and smelling like brimstone and everything. do they even have a kitchen in hell? maybe that's why satan chose it, you know, because of the kitchen! 'oh, i dont know, the views not very nice. oh! look at this kitchen! i could get so busy in here! i could put my pots right there, and look, the bedroom is right there, oh and chaney's room is over here...'. whenever i here the name 'hell's kitchen' i think of the movie '300'. now bear with me, i'll tell you why: you know the movie about 300 spartans? right before the fight the leader of the spartans yells 'tonight we dine in hell!' to me that sounds like a monty python sketch: 'tonight we dine in hell!' 'well, what are we having?' 'why do you want to know what we're having?' 'well, if im going to die, i'd like to know what were having for dinner, plus bill is a vegetarian and ian is lactose intolerant' 'ian? since when are spartans called ian?' 'ian henderson, he's our best swordsman. anyway, what are we having?' 'why do you want to know what we're having?' 'well, you brought it up...'' after realizing he had just gone off on a pretty strange tangent, craig comes back 'oh, sorry, i went somewhere else for a minute... what am i doing here?'

- dominic monaghan

- rosemarie dewitt

1-28-09

+ craig ferguson tell us of an ice storm that hit the east. 'an ice storm, i'll bet you there's a weatherman on a local news channel somewhere who's name is 'ice storm' i'll bet you. cause the weathermen love the weathery names. you've got stormy johnson, bob fog, jonny puddle. i think everyone in the news should have names that match their jobs. you know, 'here's the news with frank murder and susan carjack. and now sports with dick groinpull, dick?' i like weather, though we live in california so we don't really have weather. i like songs about the weather like 'raindrops keep falling on my head', 'it's raining men'- ah, the soundtrack to my dreams! you know who sand that song? they were called the weather girls. they only sang weather related songs: 'raining men', 'snowing boys', 'drizzling transexuals'... drizzling transexuals' was the name of a movie i accidentally rented twenty times... i'm just kidding, i was in it! i played 'dick groinpull'...'

+ henry winkler, super bowl ref.

- cuba gooding jr.

- frieda pinto she teaches craig how to dance

1-27-09

+ continuing the yodel theme he started the night before, craig ferguson has some monkeys sing along with the yodeling song.

+ 'a new study says they found a 'shy' gene', craig shares, 'scientists can look at a baby and determined if its going to be shy or outgoing. and i'm thinking 'oh, youre out of your mind!' who ever heard of a shy baby? it will take a crap right in front of you! now, i know scientists have discovered great things like electricity, phones, and computer porn, but i hate any scientific study that tries to explain human behavior. people cannot be broken down into equations. sure, there's certain genetic predispositions toward behavior, for instance, i have a genetic predisposition to drink too much, but at a certain point i took responsibility of not doing that. i also have a genetic predisposition to bedazzling my underwear... i'm still working on that one. what im trying to say is making a pathology out of human condition, i don't think thats right. it takes away all the responsibility from the individual. 'im not shy, i've got a condition', 'i'm not a theif, i've just got a gland in my neck that makes me a robbing bastard', 'im not a habitual liar, i'm just the governor of illinois.' at a certain point you've got to take responsibility. of course, the cure for that one is jail. what i'm saying is everyone's got personal responsibility. we are defined by our actions, not our genetic predispositions. i believe it was aristotle who said 'we are what we repeatedly do'. although in aristotle's case, that was young men.

+ dear aquaman skit, and 'michael caine in spain'

= rza talk and sing

- jared harris

ding dong vicar

this skit was a continuation of the new character craig ferguson introduced named sir cornwell barnes, a very stuffy english actor. this was introduced as one of barnes' acting jobs, the very famous british television series called 'ding dong vicar' in which the fictional barnes played a priest who's daughter (? priests dont have daughters!) is in her bedroom with her boyfriend.

the boyfriend (also played by craig) is inviting her out to go fishing, then accidentally gets his fishing pole stuck on her shirt and while trying to unhook the pole falls on her in a suggestive manner, at which point the priest walks in on them. he is terribly upset and thinks the worst and get really mad. hilarity ensues.

1-26-09

+ there is always a short two minute bit where craig ferguson talks before the show starts, today he doesn't talk- he sings! in the song craig teaches us how to yodel!

+ 'i recently did a show in nashville,' craig tells us, 'i had always wanted to go there since arriving in america, it only took me 14 years. i always wanted to go there, and pahrump nevada. i know what youre thinking: 'craig, is that cause of the legalized prostitution?' well, partly, but i also like their laissez faire attitude, naming their town after a fart! these people are relaxed! pahrump? come on, you know that back in the day there were a couple prospectors there around a fire 'well, what we gonna call this new town round here?' 'i don't know', the guy farts, 'that'll do!'.'

+ 'ding dong vicar' skit starring sir cornwell barnes

# chris matthews

> paul morrissey

inside the world of acting

in a new segment called 'inside the world of acting with sir cornwell barnes, craig ferguson plays a stuck up actor who thinks he is the best actor in the world. the skit revolves around him talking with other famous actors, which are just snippets of actual interviews others have done with the actors. sir cornwell barnes talks about the craft of acting in erudite terms then asks a question of the actor, but before they get a chance to answer he continues his own monologue about the skill and craft of his acting, never giving them a chance to respond.

its a pretty funny bit, but its a bit of a retread because craig has done this before with his character vance lebrea.