craig ferguson has often made fun of all the new show promos that come out at the beginning of each new show season. he always laughs at how the stars of the show start off with their back to us, and then slowly turn and smile at the camera. well, it looks like craig is now one of those turners! in advertising for the upcoming episode, cbs ran a promo where craig turns and smiles!
+ today news broke of jay leno's new plan to have a show at 10pm every night on nbc. craig ferguson responds by saying 'with all the late night stuff up in the air now, i wonder what will happen next. if i were to go to another network, not that anyone is interested, cbs would own all my jokes. all two of them: 'i know!', and 'remind you of anybody?'. late night hosts are a very close knit group. people think we hate each other, and its just not true. each year we see each other at the late night picnic; david letterman has us over, he barbeques some meat, jay gives everyone rides on his motorcycle, conan teaches people to use hair gel. carson daly is even there, he parks jays car, but he's there...'
+ last week craig ferguson's mother, janet, passed away. he spends the show sharing stories and memories of his mother, a fitting tribute. he talks of his mother raising the kids, becoming a teacher, and other stories. he becomes quite choked up as he shares 'my mother was always the talkative one, i guess i get that from her. my dad, though, was always quite. when i would call home each week after i got here in america and dad would answer i start sharing and he would say 'ill go get mom and get the news from her. it became his mantra. i dont know where they are now, but i take some comfort in knowing they're together, and he's getting the news.'
+ 'oh, i'm not feeling so good,' shares craig ferguson, 'i think its cause i ate too much at my thanksgiving dinner. after i ate so much i stumbled into the living room and collapsed on my lazy boy... poor raul, he never knew what hit him!'
+ today is thanksgiving, and craig ferguson shares his love the the holiday. 'oh, the thanksgiving day parade- i love it! the balloons were filled with hot air, donated by donald trump. my favorite is the shrek balloon, when i see that bloated scottish monster floating high above new york city, it reminds me of when i lived there in the 80's... 'oh, aye donkey'...'
+ its thanksgiving eve and craig ferguson informs us its the 'bussiest travel day of the year. it's rough, but its not the flight going to thanksgiving, its the flight going back. that gets ya. cause youre crammed into a pressurized cabin, there's two hundred other people there who've all spent the weekend gorging themselves- talk about a tailwind!'
+ 'those samali pirates are at it again!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'say what you like about them, but they go to work! and they arent those johnny depp style pirates with their mascara and swashbuckling ha ha fancy sword play, they're tough, these guys. and now, the development is that al qaeda has declared war on the simali pirates! that's awesome!! al qaeda vs. pirates- thats like in batman where its the joker vs. penguin or something@ evil vs. evil, alien vs. predator, its like dick chaney vs. his lawyer- evil vs. evil!'
+ there was some obama presidency news announced, craig ferguson tells us, 'obama announced his economic team, and president bush is working closely with them. obama says they've got many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that president bush has been working closely with them.'
+ 'the twilight movie comes out today,' craig ferguson mentions, 'its based on the popular books. i like that reading hasnt gone out of style completely yet. if you are young and into magic, you read harry potter; you're a bit older and you read twilight, you get to my age and the only thing you read is the instructions on the hemorrhoid cream. but you know how to read it! the two greatest words in the english language? apply liberally!'
every once in a while craig ferguson goes out and does stand-up shows around the country. in february he will be having a show around here! he will be appearing at the horseshoe casino, which is only about 20 minutes from my house!!! i would really love to go see him, but unfortunately i dont think i will be able to. with all the wedding stuff coming up i'm not going to be able to shell out the money to go see him. very sad, i know. next time hes around here though, i will certainly be able to go- i'll start saving my pennies now!
+ 'obama used to smoke,' craig ferguson informs us, 'but his wife michelle gave him an ultimatum: stop smoking, or i wont support your run for president. right, like she'd start supporting the other guy! - she isn't joe lieberman...'
+ 'today i saw a guy in his mid 40's with a blinged out sweatshirt that said 'punks not dead',' craig ferguson shares, 'that sweatshirt cost 200 bucks! i used to listen to a punk band called 'the clash', its singer, joe strummer, wrote the line 'ha, you think its funny turning rebellion into money'. i hate this, i hate old men co opting youth culture trying to seem young, it really bothers me. it happens in L.A. a lot, this deification of youth by the middle aged and its perverse. you cant be young no matter how much botox you get! there is an epic poem written by the lebanese christian philosopher khalil ghibran, its called 'the prophet', and he says in that poem about children 'their souls live in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit even in your dreams'. hes talking to you, jerk in the lame sweatshirt, so knock it off!'
+'mickey mouse is 80 years old today,' craig ferguson shares, 'he used to be in those short cartoons before movies. i wish they still did those, now they do commercials. you pay to get in the movie, then they do commercials at you! you know why they do that? because corporate america cares nothing about you, it has nothing but contempt for you, that is why our economy is in the crapper. now when i say corporate america, i do not mean cbs or any of the advertisers on cbs- but all the other ones!... ive really enjoyed doing this show, everybody, its been a great four years, thanks a lot... weve got to take a break, someones hanging around with a belt. i think im going to get in trouble for saying corporate america is to blame... but you know what? it is! it is! screw those guys! hey hey!'
+ when craig ferguson first comes out there is thunderous applause, and it continues for a while, causing him to respond 'look, if you over do it, it starts to sound a little insincere, also, if you applaud, applaud, applaud, and chear and think im great and i havent done anything, people might think im barack obama!'
+ shocked, craig ferguson talks about how a movie studio recently 'announced movie plans for 'monopoly'. its official: hollywood is out of ideas. agents all over town are calling their clients 'can you play a wheelbarrow? what about a hat?'.' 
+ remember that person who got a sex change, but then got pregnant? well, craig ferguson shares that 'tonight barbara walters has an interview with the man who got pregnant. its called 'what is a man? what is a woman?' now, i thought i knew! a man has a peepee, a woman has a shoe collection. they both love them, admire them for hours, lie about their size...'
as is required of all scotsman, craig ferguson does a great sean connery impression! over the years of the show he had found different ways to incorporate that impression in. he used to do a segment called 'this day in history with sean connery' where he would stand in a study, with a drink in his hand, and share the sorted escapades he had with different people while he was drunk. it was a really funny bit, very much like 'michael caine in space'. now, craig has begun doing 'sean connery reads from his autobiography' where craig plays connery sitting and reading from the book in front of him. usually he adds little asides about women, or he will just randomly ramble without even looking at the book. in my opinion, any time craig does his connery impression is hilarious!
when i visited 'the late late show with craig ferguson' this past spring i went to the gift shop and bought everything they had with craig on it! i got this coffee mug there, and i dont even drink coffee! its currently on display on the shelf above my kitchen sink. feel free to drop by and gaze upon its beauty. now taking reservations.
+ the CMAs were on tonight, craig ferguson mentions, 'a couple years ago i presented at the CMAs. i wore a cowboy hat and a kilt! i looked like a redneck drag queen...' 
when i visited the show back in april i got to see how the show goes. before craig ferguson comes out the audience is treated to a warm up comedian, he is someone who comes out and gets everyone riled up so that when craig starts we will know how to conduct ourselves- lots of laughs! he started by reminding everyone that if we think he is funny we should laugh loud, 'the camera doesnt hear smiles!'. he told some jokes, most of them fairly lame, in order for us to practice our laughing. another tried and true trick he used: throw free candy into the crowd! he told us often that we should applaud loudly when craig first comes out 'i want to hear thunder!' 
+ with the economy so bad, craig ferguson shares 'many companies are going out of business: sharper image. not surprising, they only sold stupid crap for rich jerks. 'oh, i've got a wine guage, i use it to guage my wine...'. linens and things. not surprising either, the problem is they took a real apathetic approach to what they sold, besides linens. they dont care... even starbucks is down. i've got some advice for them, they can turn it around in two easy steps: 1. stop selling cds! if i wanted a cd i'd go back in time to when cd's were not obsolete! 2. bring back the zuccini walnut muffin! yesterday circuit city filed for chapter 11. who's next?'
+ 'i went to new york city over the weekend', tells craig ferguson, 'then i went to baltimore, where i have never been before. baltimore? you bet i do! balt as much as you can! i flew out of dullas airport- what a lovely airport! why cant every airport be like this? its clean, the planes leave on time, the security people are nice. they strip searched me, but only after i asked them to... and they cuddle you afterward.'
+ 'the obama's are getting a new puppy', craig ferguson tells us, 'they are thinking of names: rex if it's a boy, and hillary if its a bitch.'
on his show, craig ferguson has a group of actors who stop by regularly for different sketches and bits. he usually invites them on in the first half hour of the show before the guests. among these regulars is tim meadows.
on his show craig ferguson has a group of actors who stop by regularly for different sketches and bits. he usually invites them on in the first half hour of the show before the guests. among these regulars is henry winkler.
when i went to california and saw a taping of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' i made sure to stop in the gift shop and buy anything with the show on it. among the things i got was this mouse pad for the show. i now have it at school and use it everyday!
+ the day after the election craig ferguson warns us 'you know this leaves the door open for a scottish-american president...'
+ its election eve, and craig ferguson has a little poem to share: 'twas the night before the election and all through the nation, we were all sick of it and need a vacation!' 
+ its halloween and craig ferguson talks about some of the different costumes he's worn over the years. last year he dressed up as a banana! 
+ obama recently bought a half hour of airtime on most major networks and craig ferguson talks about the infomercial and how ross perot did something similar back in 1992.
+ as a boss, craig ferguson has a few responsibilities, he tells us, 'cbs, my employer, is making me watch the sexual harassment video. it defines it as this: 'any conduct that makes someone uncomfortable on the basis of their sexuality'. well here's what i think: making anyone watch a sexual harassment video at work is a form of sexual harassment! i dont come here to think about sex, i came here to do my job, and your making me think about sex! thats sexual harassment! and i get uncomfortable thinking about anyone's sexuality, especially mine- i'm european!'
+ ted stevens, the senator from alaska, is in the news. craig ferguson comments 'hes been convicted of seven felony counts, but hes still running for the senate, which reminds me of that knight in the monty python movie- 'just a scratch!' 'you're a seven time felon!' 'no i'm not, nothing to see here!'...'
as far as email time jingles go, the one that seems to be played most often is the jamaican style jingle about smoking weed. craig always plays it on fridays, saying its 'for everyone enjoying an 'herbal cigarette' on the weekend'. recently he showed the same jingle, but now with new animated graphics!
a segment sometimes featured on the late late show, this one has craig ferguson as vance la brea, an interviewer of celebrities. craig takes a stock interview with different actors and cuts it with vance la brea asking them questions that do not fit at all with their responses. its often very funny!
+ craig ferguson was in las vegas over the weekend. he did stand-up at the mgm grand. 'it has two theaters, one can fit, like, a jillion people, the other is more intimate, for puppet shows and close-up magic. i'll let you guess which one i played...'
+ 'this week in people magazine', craig ferguson shares, 'sarah palin talks about the plans for her daughters wedding. she says its very difficult to find a dress that doesnt clash with the shotgun. but she's not letting the critizism get her down. she says shes putting the election in Gods hands. which is good news for the democrats, because most of them think obama is god!'
+ after recently looking at a ballot in california, craig ferguson explains how complicated it is. there are a bunch of propositions on the ballot that he talks about. 'there is a proposition against animal cruelty. who would vote for animal cruelty? besides michael vick...'
+ after looking at a few polls, craig ferguson tells us 'they are saying this election will be decided by the 'undecided voter', just like in 2004, 2000, 1996... and every other election ever! according to polls, seven percent of people are still undecided. i have a question for those people: what the hell is wrong with you?!? i think they just want attention. we've been baraged with informations for months, years now! the choice for this election is black and white- literally!'
+ with joe the plumber now a political mascot, craig ferguson has a few things to say about him. 'joe the plumber is meant to represent the 'regular americans'. i dont get that! america is a diverse country, theres no such thing as a regular american, except americans that take fiber...'
+ 'the mccain/palin ticket got an NRA endorsement' craig ferguson shares, 'palin, a huge enthusiast of guns, said shes actually using a shotgun to plan her daughters wedding...'
+ its lief ericson day, and craig ferguson talks about the life of the famous viking who landed on north america hundreds of years before columbus.
+ the election is still the focus of craig fergusons monologue. 'i wont reveal who i'm voting for' craig tells us, 'but i speak for late night comedians when i say mccain is a better choice... for comedy. some people vote for someone who will create more jobs, but someone creates more jokes is kind of what im interested in...'
+ today craig ferguson has some things to say about the election. its time to set straight the perception some have of the process: 'the country has problems, we wont solve this by being polite. a french philosopher once said 'its better to debate a problem without settling it, than to settle a problem without debating it.' and its never been more true. the media is too easy on the candidates. the only major media figure who holds these guys to account is jon stewart. he is! i love jon stewart, he does a great show, but hes a comedian! on the comedy network!!! whats it say about the state of the union when the best political analyst is on right after 'battle bots'?!? i think we are to blame here, 'we the people', this year tens of millions of americans wont vote, which is pathetic. you hear people complain about our image around the world, nothing makes us look worse than not voting! 
democracy is always under threat, the threat right now is complacency. in poland, when they were trying to bring down communism in the 80's, there was this thing called 'the solidarity movement.' in 1989 there was a referendum in poland to decide if they were going to stay with the soviet communist party, or go for democracy. and the polish government, instructed by the kremlin, was to break the heads of anyone supporting an opposition party like the solidarity party. the people were scared. they didnt know what to do. the night before the vote, solidarity members plastered warsaw with posters, and the posters had such a powerful image that it inspired the nation. on the poster is gary cooper in 'high noon', thats what they used. instead of a gun, hes holding a ballot paper. the best way these polish workers knew how to symbolize the struggle against communism was a single amarican armed with a ballot. remember that the next time someone tells you voting is a waste of time.'
+ 'its a great day for america, everybody' craig ferguson shares, 'you know why? because OJ is back in jail!'
+ 'beverly hills chihuahua comes out today' craig ferguson warns, 'those chihuahuas are tiny little things, they are what michael vick would call appetizers. they were basically breed for one thing and one thing only: to be adorable! same thing with the jonas brothers, and it worked! chihuahuas are very popular with young actresses in hollywood, cause they are small, dont eat much, and are always yappy- its a match made in heaven!'
+ a difficult malady has been plaguing craig ferguson: election fever! it seems to have worsened- now its a full blown election infection!!!
