the Scottish King

1-19-12

2012-01-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

+ 'today in park city, utah, the sundance film festival began', craig ferguson shares, 'its the only thing in the world that makes utah more white. what a great time to be a utahan. do you know, i've been to park city before. if you are driving to park city, utah from los angeles, you actually pass through a town called beaver. thats true! i always get stuck in beaver, there is so much to see! i mean, you get up close to beaver and you think 'well, theres not much going on here', then you get inside and went 'woa! whats all this?!? who would have thought there was all this from the outside?' the film makers go there to raise money for the films. they raise money the old fashioned way: they sell weapons and stuff. investors go there to look for films. i've been in this game, when you are trying to raise money for independent film, you mean a lot of shady guys from eastern europe... sundance isnt really about the movies these days, its more a kind of party atmosphere. one of the regulars is paris hilton. i like paris, she's a nice girl, but he's not really a representative of fine cinema. although, she did that one movie that i rather enjoyed, i rented it accidentally a couple times... you know, that one where... ah... house of wax, that one!'
> steven wright
- sara paxton

1-18-12

2012-01-28T06:14:00.000-08:00

+ 'did you watch the american idol tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i did! the first couple episodes of american idol are usually the highest rated of the season because there is something magical about people who have dreams beyond their talent go on national talent and having those dreams crushed... thats not the only reason people watch american idol, theres also the new judges, and i love them. i dont think i would be a good judge, i was a musician, but i was a crap musician. the core of my distaste for american idol, which i do have, is that it teaches the wrong things to the kids. it teaches aspiring singers a dangerous lesson: that you need someone elses permission to persue your dreams. you dont. and whats worse, that karaoke is cool. its not. if you want to be a singer, then sing! you dont need to ask someone. to me, singing is like masturbation: you should do it every day in the shower! american idol assumes being a music star is all about pure vocal ability, and that is just not true. you also need a certain amount of je ne sais quoi. 'je ne sais quoi' is a french term that means boobies.'
- david duchovny
* dr. sanjay gupta

1-16-12

2012-01-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

+ 'earlier tonight on fox, i was watching it, was the new show alcatraz', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, the show about the legendary san francisco prison. the only prison in the world with less man on man action inside the prison that is going on in the town outside... alcatraz isn't really a good name for a prison outside of san francisco, if you are going to have a prison in san francisco, you should call it 'sing sing!' anyway, the new show about alcatraz, the prisoners are out terrorizing the city and they haven't aged a day. no, its jj abrams who is behind this, he's terrific. he did 'lost' and the new 'star trek' movie, so the prisoners are probably ghosts or clones or something like that. although i have to say, scientists, if you are watching this show, and i know you do, do not clone dinosaurs or prisoners. don't do it! cloning technology is getting more advanced. scottish scientists invented it. it was invented in edinburgh university they invented cloning. and the first thing they cloned, rather embarrassingly, was a sheep! the scientist said 'i have just invented cloning, everybody! well done me! any ideas what we should clone first?' 'i've got an idea...'.'
- lucy liu
- kevin sorbo

1-13-12

2012-01-28T06:11:00.000-08:00

+ 'hey, do you like the disney cartoons?' craig ferguson asks, 'neither do i! i'm just kidding, i do. i like disney cartoons, they are warm and soothing, like bathing in a bath of fresh oatmeal. i had to do that last month when i had shingles! thats how you do it, i had shingles and thats how you get rid of them. you lie in a big bath of oatmeal. the kids are still eating the leftovers. 'dad, it tastes shingly!' 'ah, eat your shingle porridge you wee bastards! when i was your age shingle porridge was a delicacy served only to the royals!' anyway, what i'm saying about the disney cartoons, the classic is being rereleased today. its not winnie the pooh, which i loved, but its beauty and the beast thats coming out. this time its coming in 3D! all the songs and romance you remember, plus the expense of doubly expensive tickets and glasses covered in bacteria!
- kristen bell
> louis anderson

1-12-12

2012-01-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

+ 'not a great day if you like the yoga', craig ferguson admits, 'you know the yoga? the practice of physical and spiritual and mental discipline from india? well, now the new york times says in an article that yoga can be dangerous. ah, yoga is not dangerous. next thing you know they will be telling us that other pleasant things are dangerous, like scrap booking and heroin. anyway, the new york times article says that yoga related injuries are on the rise. what happens is that people spend all day in chairs at work and then they twist themselves into a pretzel during yoga and expect it to be easy and hurt themselves. its like if you were a brainless action star your whole life, and then trying to go out and govern the state of california. see that? thats your topical humor! how long has he been out of office? two years now? thats what we do here, we do the late night show with all the topical stuff in the news!'
- hugh laurie he talks and sings!

ass mode

2012-01-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

ever wondered why the tweet mail jingles on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' always seems to include the term 'ass mode'? well, craig finally provides an answer: an email craig read on the air asked 'dear mr. ferguson and geoff peterson, you seem to take a lot of interest in philosophy, do you live by any particular philosophy?' craig responds 'yes i do: ass mode. right geoff?'
'that's right, ass mode is a way of life' geoff responds.
'ass mode is a way of life. when you see on the tweet mail jingle when it goes 'ass mode' people are like 'what does it mean?' i'll tell you what it means. what does it mean geoff?'
'it means its a way of life' geoff retorts.
later, when hugh laurie is on the show, he asks 'well, i didnt exactly come here with a list of questions, but i came with one: what is 'ass mode'? i ask it on behalf of everyone, i think'.
'and i answer you', craig states, 'by saying: geoff?'
geoff responds with 'ass mode is a way of life.'

1-11-12

2012-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

+ 'it is a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'last night he won the new hampshire primary. so, congratulations, establishment cyborg! people are being inspired by his bland diction and gorgeous hair. now, romney's win means he gets seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup. now, its on to south carolina where the winner gets a hog and a gamecock. its the south carolina school mascot, i googled it eariler today. mitt romney, sure he looks like a decent enough guy. oh, of course, he's a corporate vampire who bought companies only to suck the profit out only to leave behind closed factories and ruined lives, but he made an ass load of cash doing it, and now owns four houses, so it all worked out in the end. whats amazing, though, is that all of romney's opponents in the GOP are going after him for being the head of a venture capital firm. i'm like 'republicans attacking a guy for making money on the free market?' thats like clinton criticizing an intern program- thats crazy!'
- adam goldberg
- mercedes masohn

1-10-12

2012-01-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you like the gadgets', craig ferguson states, 'today was the start of the 2012 consumer electronics show, ces. you know, were the humans blend with technology, its held every year in las vegas. geoff and i got married there, remember? thats the night this human blended with technology. vegas is going through some rough times right now, the economy is bad. the economy is so bad in vegas, louis anderson got a second job as a bouncy castle. the economy is so bad in vegas, the bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose. anyway, this year at the consumer electronic show, everyone is talking about the voice control tv. its tv that you control with your voice! instead of the back braking work of pressing a button on the remote! instead of the tedious endless exercise of clicking a button, you can now just yell 'kardashians!' at the tv! be careful though, if you yell 'kloe', you'll get animal planet...'
* isaac mizrahi
- sophia bush

1-09-12

2012-01-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

+ 'there was a big season premier last night', craig ferguson shares, 'did you see it? it was downton abbey. its the british soap opera thats getting very popular. its like an american soap opera but without all the straight teeth. its on pbs, i'm not sure what that stands for, probably british stuff. what i'm saying is that downton abbey is on pbs, which means its classy, which probably means you havent seen it. if you didnt see the first season of downton abbey, i'll do a quick recap for you: 'i say, lady. how dare you! kiss me, fatha! war has been declared!' thats about it. downton abbey takes place in the north of england, in yorkshire. with all the lords and ladies and butlers and all the cooks all live together in a country estate. i have to admit, i like to look at all the outfits. all those big tight corsets, the flowing dresses, and when i'm finished picking my clothes for the evening, i turn on the tv and watch downton abbey. i grew up in britain, so i had my fill of the whole class division thing, so i didnt watch downton abbey over the weekend, but i did watch the republican debate. and one of the candidates said there are no classes in america. and then that topic was hotly debated by all six rich white guys who were there'.
- howie mandel
= randy houser

1-06-12

2012-01-06T16:09:00.001-08:00

+ 'you know that horror movie is opening today, 'the devil inside'.' craig ferguson shares, 'that looks scary! and you know, if you take the word devil and spell it backwards it says 'lived'. yeah, its not that creepy. listen, the movie is about an exorcism and the movie is based on true events. which is kind of like the label on cheese dips that says 'this item is based on actual cheese'. this movie is based on an exorcism, it better have a cool twist, because that territory has been pretty well covered by 'the exorcist'. which i actually never saw. i meant to, i was on the way to the theater, but was distracted by a movie called 'the sexorcist'. the same thing happened when i went to go see 'chitty chitty bang bang'. in the new movie the devil gives all his minions a tattoo on the inside of their lip, which is ridiculous. everyone knows what the dark lord of the underworld gives his minions: a law degree!'
- michael clarke duncan
- laura prepon

1-05-12

2012-01-06T16:07:00.001-08:00

+ 'its an important time for the nation', craig ferguson shares, 'earlier tonight, people of every race and religion stopped what they were doing. washington d.c. politicians put aside their differences for one hour, because tonight is the season premier of 'the jersey shore'. if you dont know what that is because you are 'too classy', then imagine its like downton abbey if everyone vomited on each other. 'i say, lord percy, blahhh!' so its season five, started tonight. its about damn time because season four only finished about two months ago. i love the whole cast, you know: snookie, the situation, j wow, spuds, corky, tito, regis... i've never watched it. i dont have time to watch crappy tv, i'm too busy making crappy tv! i actually did see the jersey shore once, it was the one where that dude hit the other dude, then there was some hooking up, and then they had to solve a mystery by examining the semen stains on the wall. wait, thats CSI isnt it?'
- tom selleck
- daniela ruah

1-04-12

2012-01-06T16:06:00.001-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you like undersea creatures', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesn't like undersea creatures? jerks! you know who you are! no, i'll tell you why, cause near antartica, scientists just discovered new undersea creatures. one of them is being called the hairy chested yeti crab. i always thought yeti crabs was what you get after having sex with a yeti, but not true! not anymore! actually, that's not true, you don't get anything after having sex with bigfoot. not even a phone call! there is another creature called the seven armed sea star, and the ghost pale octopus. i dont know how these so called scientists name real animals after real stuff: yeti crab, ghost pale octopus. that's crap. you cant name real species after made up things. before you know it, they will be discovering the female orgasm platypus! its a joke, relax. you know what a platypus is, right? its like a beaver, but australian. it goes around the other way...'
- rza
- melissa rauch

True or not true!

2012-01-06T16:05:00.001-08:00

it seems that craig ferguson came up with a new bit for the show! he was sitting down at his desk the other night, answering emails. he got a tweet from aaron is sacramento, which got craig going on sacramento. he said 'this tweet is from aaron is sacramento california, the capitol of the state of california is in sacramento. thats the very town where governor scharzenegger did to the state of california what he did to his maid while he was married. true or not true? oh! thats a new bit for the show, i've just invented it! geoff, we've got a new bit! its awesome! its called 'true or not true'!' craig then progresses to go through a few different examples of 'true or not true'. craig continues 'you know what? i'm pretty sure that by the end of the week we will have a graphic for 'true or not true'!' actually, craig has a graphic, admittedly pretty lame, by the end of the show! wow, those graphics people sure work quick!

7 years of craig!

2012-01-06T16:04:00.003-08:00

'so tonight is the seventh anniversary of this show! i was thinking 'have we been doing this show seven years?' well, yeah, thats why they call it an anniversary! what i did, i thought this would be fun, i thought we could take a look at the very first show! what we did is we thought people would want to see how this show has progressed over the years. so what we did was i went down to the cbs basement today. that is code, by the way... so, geoff and i were rummaging around in the basement today and we found the very first show!'
craig then proceeds to show a 'clip' of the first show. its not actually the first show though, but rather a recreation of it. craig, dressed up in a terrible black wig, red blazer, and piano key tie, makes some lame jokes about topical events from seven years ago. the best part was that geoff peterson was there- but not the robot skeleton we have all grown to love. instead, the guy who does his voice was standing at the podium bantering with craig! geoff talked about how he had plans that weekend to go skydiving and offered 'if i die you can always reanimate my lifeless corpse with robot parts!'
later that night, craig talks about his anniversary again: 'its a great day for this show, for us today, its the seventh anniversary for this show! this very night! the show's age has finally reached the age of the audience's maturity level! and the network gave me, thank you to cbs, they gave me the traditional anniversary gift of nothing. nothing! not a thing! not even a fucking phone call! i'm not kidding!!!'

1-03-12

2012-01-06T16:04:00.001-08:00

+ 'i hope you all had a great holiday', craig ferguson states, 'i, for the holiday period, went to scotland. i enjoy going back to the country where i was born. it must be what its like to be barak obama visiting kenya. relax, its a joke! i know he's not from kenya! while i was in scotland, the world said goodbye to one of the last old school dictators kim jung il. goodnight, crazy lesbian. we've talked about him all the time, now that he's gone, i dont know what we will do now, we'll have to resort to something crazy like original material! the new ruler of north korea is kim jung il's son. thats an amazing coincidence- the elections must have gone very quickly!'
- carrie fisher
- matthew gray gubler

1-02-12

2012-01-06T15:10:00.001-08:00

+ 'happy new year!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i hope you all had a good time, i was in scotland for new years. its called 'hogmanay' in scotland. now, some people think hogmanay comes from the northern french word meaning 'new year's gift', but actually its the sound you make when you throw up a bottle of champagne! for the new year many people make resolutions, its a good idea to share with your coworkers so you will be motivated. this year geoff and i made resolution to make this show less filthy and more intellectual. ha ha ha! yeah, right! personally, resolutions make me want to do something more! if i make a resolution i go 'argh, i'm not going to do it', which makes me really want to do it! i dont like anyone telling me what to do, even if its me telling me what to do! a couple years ago my big resolution was to spend part of every day learning spanish, that was my big resolution. and it was over by... whats the spanish word for 'mid-january'? so this year i'm just avoiding the whole thing so nobody is el disapointo.'
- tim meadows
= eliza doolittle
> myq kaplan

12-23-11

2011-12-27T09:11:00.003-08:00

tonight's episode is totally devoted to emails! craig ferguson starts a new christmas tradition and welcomes all kinds of guests to come and answer emails with him. at one point he tries to pawn off geoff peterson to johnny galecki, getting double gifts with jason segel for being half jewish, half gentile, and just the usual goofiness with his ol' skeleton robot sidekick.

12-22-11

2011-12-27T09:11:00.001-08:00

+ 'only two shopping days left tell christmas!' craig ferguson warns, 'everything is all christmasy all over the place. christmas movies are all over the place, 'its a wonderful life' is on all the time. 'mary clarence, dont ya know me' awe, my jimmy stewart impression isnt so great. it sounds like a parrot having a stoke 'do i taste pennies?' everyone things of jimmy stewart as the 'all american' man. this is true, in the beginning of his career, the hollywood movie mogals, the big wigs, they forced jimmy stewart to go to brothels to prove he wasnt gay! thats true! i'm thinking 'what? studio bosses pay for your hookers?!? dont you want to prove that i'm not gay?' its a wonderful life is, of course, about a man named george bailey, he's thinking about suicide, and he gets a rare opportunity to see what life would be like if he had never been born. for decades people have loved 'its a wonderful life'. its a great movie, but it seems to be out of date. i mean, a mean old banker using unscrupulous methods to foreclose on working people's homes so he can line his pockets with their cash. i mean, thankfully thats in the past, we have come a long way, there's no way that could possibly happen today...'
- kyra sedgwick
= frankie ballard

12-21-11

2011-12-27T09:10:00.001-08:00

+ 'a lot of movies are coming out this weekend', criag ferguson discusses, 'tom cruise in the new mission impossible movie, and the tintin movie about the belgan dog or something. they are very different movies, one of them has a tiny little creature that is more popular in europe than here, and the other is tintin. also, war horse comes out. i want to see all those movies, but the one i'm most excited for is 'the girl with the dragon tattoo'. its based on the original girl with the dragon tattoo, but it was swedish. over there its called 'un flicka wit den trampen stampen'. the author of the book died of a heart attack in 2004 after walking up some stairs. so let that be a lesson to you kids, take the stairs. the dragon tattoo book is the first in a trilogy. it was one of those trilogies where i bought the first book and i was like 'wow! this is sensational! its really good, i've got to get the second book!' i read the second book and i thought 'ok, thats alright', i read the first book i was thinking 'you know, that first book was awesome!'. at the end of the trilogy, the girl with the dragon tattoo gets a lightning bolt scar, becomes a wizard, and defeats voldemort.'
- jason lee
- felicity jones
= black dub

12-20-11

2011-12-27T09:08:00.001-08:00

+ 'its the first day of hanakkah', criag ferguson shares, 'if you are celebrating hanakkah you probably arent into christmas caroling, of course. tonight happens to be 'go caroling day'. tonight you are supposed to celebrate christmas with a song! for all you christmas carolers out there: dont come to my house. and one more thing: ba humbug! i'm not really a scrooge, i love christmas. i love all holidays, especially the one you celebrate in your region with your ethnic group! only a few more shopping days until christmas, the stores are packed with people buying gifts for family and friends. did you know that some people actually buy presents for their pets? those people are called me! i do, i buy gifts for my ferrets! you know the great thing about ferrets? they are fucking stupid! now, if you cant afford to buy christmas gifts for your kids this christmas, just give them your love and they will be just as happy. ha ha ha! the most popular toys this year for girls is something called the 'la la loopsy' doll. one of the most popular gifts for this christmas is the t-pain microphone. thats true! its a microphone that you sing into and it makes you sound like the rapper t-pain. i dont know much about t-pain, but his biggest songs are called 'buy you a drank', and 'i'm in love with a stripper'. so let me address any parents who are watching: christmas is a wonderful time to teach your kids about bitches and hos.'
- robin wright
- parker young he's pretty funny!

12-19-11

2011-12-27T09:06:00.001-08:00

+ 'did you see that sherlock holmes movie over the weekend?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was fantastic i have heard. i've heard its the best movie ever, i'm looking forward to seeing it. i've never talked about this before, but i was actually up for a part in sherlock holmes. not the movie, in the dinner theater production at the west alameda community theater. i was this close to getting it! damn you, eric estrada! sherlock holmes has been around for a while, of course, the original books came out in the 1800's. did you know that in the original sherlock holmes he never actually said 'elementary, my dear watson'. he didnt. he did say 'oh please, senior ding-a-ling!' robert downey jr. plays sherlock holmes in the new movies. he's much sexier than the sherlock holmes i remember growing up. he used to be played by basil wrathbone. to me, thats what sherlock holmes is supposed to look like. old timey sherlock holmes always smoked a pipe. in fact, in the original sherlock holmes novels he didnt just smoke a pipe, he was also a cocaine addict! thats true! why would you cast robert downey jr. as... oh, nevermind... i like robert downey jr a lot, i like him. he's been through a lot and i like that he's open about his troubles. but i'll tell you this: you cannot solve crimes when you are on cocaine. my own research has proved that you cant... you can, however, commit crimes!'
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls

12-16-11

2011-12-27T09:05:00.001-08:00

+ 'today is the day i've been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'a big movie opens today. some people wait for the twilight movies, some look forward to the girl with the dragon tattoo. but for me? its alvin and the chipmunks! looks like the chipmunks go on a cruise. i dont know if its a gay cruise, but you can make your own joke about storing nuts for the winter, though. i miss the disney chipmunks chip and dale. times are tough on chip and dale, they are male strippers now, shaking their asses at disney land, giving lap dances to goofy!'
- mindy kaling
> nick griffin

12-15-11

2011-12-27T09:02:00.001-08:00

+ 'it was a scary day at the naval shipyard in maine', criag ferguson shares, 'workers building on a new destroyer discovered in the guided missile system had been compromised by spiders! they weren't just any spiders, the missile tubes had been taken over by deadly black widows! worst of all, the deadly black widows came from los angeles! i'm sure the spiders arent happy about the situation either, the crawled into a warm box in southern california and they ended up in maine in december! its cold in maine in december. how cold is it? so cold they are dipping lobsters in hot coco. its so cold santa's sack is creeping back into his body. the black widow spider gets its name cause the female kills the husband after they mate. well, they are not technically married, there's no ring on the spider's leg. she kills him as soon as she gets her lusty spidery desire satisfied. but it makes me think why do male spiders keep getting it on with black widows? in ancient mythology, spiders are a sign of patience. they spend all that time weaving their web and then they wait until the unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and then its all over in a matter of minutes. now a days we would call that 'kardashian marriage'.'
- sean hayes
* john hodgman

12-14-11

2011-12-27T09:00:00.001-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you like barbara walters', craig ferguson shares, 'the most fascinating people special was on earlier tonight. there is no surprise about one thing on this list: i'm not on it! again! not fascinating enough for you, barbara? i've been a guest on the view and i thought you and i had something special. something very very special... i let you see my sensitive side, barbara. and by that i mean my penis. she did have some great names, barbara, on this special though: pippa middleton. now there you are, who could be more fascinating than someone who is the sister of someone who has married someone who is famous just for being fucking born! to be fair though, pippa is also famous for having an ass that looks good in a dress. which is another reason i should be on that list! other people on barbara's list include herman cain, the kardashians, simon cowell, and donald trump. is this a list of the most hateful douche bags in america? between them and pippa middleton, this really puts the 'ass' in fascinating! katy pery is also on the list, i like her. she's talented, she's pretty, and she's a great singer, but is it wise to put her in the same room as herman cain?'
- kenneth branagh
- patton oswalt

12-13-11

2011-12-27T08:59:00.001-08:00

+ 'its a terrible week for us here in los angeles,' craig ferguson shares, 'first we had to say goodbye to khloe and lamar, it will take me years to get over that... and, it turns out, the christmas lights here might be fake! its true, the customs officials at the port of l.a. have seized a shipment of fake christmas lights. i don't know what that means, they aren't merry enough or something? everyone in l.a. is cockahoop about it though. the phony christmas lights were sent here from china. i heard that and was like 'whoa?!? cheap unreliable products?!? from china?!? has the world gone crazy?' the fake christmas lights, the reason they are called fake is because they can be dangerous. they haven't been tested, so they can start fires or give people electrical shocks. which makes them perfect for me to wrap around my genitals. that's right, there's nothing quite like the lighting of my scrotum. authorities are warning people here in l.a. not to use the lights that might be fake. good luck, authorities, fake is kind of our thing! we've got the fake boobies, the fake people, the fake animal fur, the fake orgasms.'
- ben kingsley
- morena baccarin

12-12-11

2011-12-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

+ 'today is the busiest shipping day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'its the run up to christamas, the shipping company is doing twice as many shipments as normal. so today would probably be the best day to send your drugs through the mail without getting caught... today fed ex processed more than 17 million shipments, ups delivered 11 million parcels, and the us postal service handled the most important package of all: mine! its heavy and it needs a lot of stamps... i used to collect stamps, not postage stamps- tramp stamps! i started down there and they go all the way up. i had to stop when they reached the base of my neck. not really. anyway, with all the packages going out there are bound to be some ending up at the wrong address. it happens to me occasionally. i have to go to my neighbors house and say 'here is your sports illustrated' magazine, and then he says 'here's your ferret monthly magazine'. a lot of packages this time of year get lost. thats awful, you are promised something great and then nothing ever happens. its like voting for obama!'
- dj qualls
-> cat cora

my own rattlesnake mug!!!

2011-12-13T15:36:00.001-08:00

wow, that was fast! i ordered myself a couple rattlesnake mugs, just like the ones used by craig ferguson and geoff peterson on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and boy are they cool! i put in the order on saturday, and they were waiting on my doorstep monday afternoon when i got home- now thats quick! anyway, they both arrived safely, no scratches or broken parts, and they even came with a little note from the woman who sent them from house of tasso!

this thing is pretty awesome- just like the one craig has!

the only difference between this one and craigs? this one doesnt have a tooth chipped off! thanks to house of tasso's fantastic shipping and packaging!

this thing will really start some conversations, thats for sure! i figured since its a rattle snake, it belongs among the foliage, right?

12-09-11

2011-12-10T09:28:00.001-08:00

+ 'the big movie opening this weekend that i'm very excited about is 'new year's eve'', craig ferguson states, 'a very important film that asks some very important questions: what is the meaning of life? does the world around us truly exist? why are we here? ha ha ha! its not about any of that, its about celebrities hooking up and all that crap! anyway, the movie has a huge cast in it, including moamar kadafi and kim jung il! a libyan zombie and an angry lesbian have to share an apartment- can they get along? you that movie and you will find out! new years eve is made by the same people who made the hit movie valentines day. wait a minute, reusing a successful formula instead of coming up with something original? thats not the hollyoood i know! the movie is set in time square, the producers say its a love letter to new york city. no one sends letters anymore, its more like a penis tweet to new york city. by the way, penis tweet was the name of my favorite cockatoo...'

* richard lewis

= needtobreath

12-08-11

2011-12-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

+ 'the inductees for the rock and roll hall of fame were announced yesterday', craig ferguson states, 'its like the baseball hall of fame but with less drug use and more satan. this is true, for a band to get their record in to the rock and roll hall of fame the record had to come out at least 25 years ago. now, let me explain: a record is something that made noise when you rotated it. what you do is you get the record, you put it under a sharp needle, spin it around, and it made a noise. like a cat! its a joke, i would never do that to a cat... there isnt a talk show hall of fame. maybe there is, they just haven't told me... the rock and roll hall of fame, the inductees this year include guns n roses, the red hot chili peppers, and the beastie boys. they are great. i'm sure they are all very happy to be inducted, because if there's one thing that excites guys who have spent their lives knee deep in sex and drugs, its a bronze plaque.'

- pierce brosnan

* laura lippman

12-07-11

2011-12-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

+ 'theres something that happened in california yesterday that was really quite frightening', craig ferguson states, 'a cannonball smashed into a house where two people were sleeping, came out the other side of the house, bounced across four lanes of traffic, hit a roof on another house and then crashed through the window of a minivan. it was like a cartoon! police were only able to stop the cannonball by running ahead of it and painting a railway tunnel on the side of a cliff! i know what you are thinking: 'who could be of set off a cannon? who would be so irresponsible to set off a cannon?' hoodlums! the mythbusters did it! its my favorite show on television, except for anything on cbs, of course... the mythbusters were conducting an experiment, they wanted to demonstrate what a cannonball can do. so they got a cannonball, i don't know where you get one. they went to the mall and go to 'cannonballs and things', and then they fired it out of a cannon. what could possibly go wrong with that? remember the first rule of building your own cannon: don't build your own cannon!'

- trace adkins

> michael palescak

12-06-11

2011-12-10T07:53:00.002-08:00

+ 'scientists say they have found a planet that's earth's twin', craig ferguson shares, 'it has ideal conditions for life, the temperature is 71 degrees, it has four seasons, the only difference is that its twice as large as earth. so scientists say that if there are people then they would be double the size of humans because of the gravity and size and stuff. it would be like a whole planet of kloe kardashians!'

- valerie bertinelli

> henry cho

12-05-11

2011-12-06T18:00:00.002-08:00

+ 'today is a very important day for historians and drunks!' craig ferguson states, 'its repeal day. this is the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933. now, some of you might not remember repeal day. i say 'some of you' because we do have some viewers who are younger than 80. prohibition was a dark time, alcohol was illegal and peppermint lattes werent invented yet. how did people make it through the day? i'll tell you: crystal meth! thats what they used, but back then it was called spunky dust! 'hey shopkeeper, got any spunky dust?' 'yeah, i'm just cooking up a fresh batch in the rear!' 'look out ivan, here comes johnny yankee with the spunky dust!' alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. 14 years! not a single person in 14 years sang karaoke! people back then thought prohibition would never end, and then just like herman cain, it was gone. i think prohibition was a wonderful idea because boom- just like that, they stop doing it! thats why i hope they never ban scrapbooking. 'hey g-man, if you want me to stop scrapbooking you will have to take the glue from my cold dead hand!' you know, what happened when they repealed prohibition, it turned the economy around. the government got huge tax revenues. they had been spending money keeping it down and now they made it legal and all this money was pouring in! it got us out of the great depression. if only there was something we could legalize and tax now that would help us out of this recession. if only!'

- justin long

- noomi repace

12-02-11

2011-12-06T18:00:00.001-08:00

+ 'earlier tonight 'america's most wanted' came back', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about that. its on the lifetime channel now. it is! it used to be on fox but now its on lifetime. america's most wanted can get kind of grizzly sometimes, its only the second most grizzly thing on lifetime now. did you see the dresses on project runway last year? almost made me want to watch sports! almost... its funny to me that america's most wanted is on lifetime now, every week they are going to be searching for 'a man who wants to listen and then snuggle'. america's most wanted used to be on fox but then it was cancelled because the fox executives realized that the show was helping people! fox shows are usually just large cartoon characters who are big asses just making fools of themselves, like homer simpson, the family guy, or simon cowell... personally i like shows that do good things for people, i like it when tv gives me a warm feeling. thats why i always watch tv with my testicles on it!'

- ana gasteyer

- beth behrs

12-01-11

2011-12-06T17:59:00.000-08:00

+ 'its a crazy day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the city of angels has been attacked by mother nature's most brutal servant: a moderate wind. no, actually the winds have been very strong. it was windy last night in hollywood. how windy was it? it was so windy that arnold schwarzenegger was blown off his maid! it was so windy hugh hefner didnt need pills to get it up! it was so windy a shirt accidentally blew on matthew machonahoney! the wind blew so hard it was accidentally mistaken for the dodgers! the storm has died down though, but i am still taking precautions. i've got extra glue on my toupee. the best part of the windy days in l.a. is that you save money on face lifts! thousands of people lost power during the wind storm, a few parts are still in the dark. be careful, if you see a downed power line dont pick it up. no matter how tempting it is to pick it up and touch it to your genitals, dont do it! i learned that the hard way- the awesome hard way... my power went out for a little while last night and i thought to myself 'this is when i wish my house was powered by a wind turbine'. but then i look down at my team of little people on their treadmills and i thought 'no, its more cost effective and they are adorable!' i should get them clothes though. anyway, i woke up today and realized that the wind had blown a bunch of trash into my pool. and by 'trash', i mean a couple of spare kardashians and steven segal.'

- kristin chenoweth

* ken tucker

ordering snake mugs

2011-12-03T10:11:00.001-08:00

i finally decided to get one for myself! seeing that snake mug on craig ferguson's desk every night on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' was finally too much for me and i put in an order for one of my own! i decided to get the mug that craig uses as well as the one on geoff peterson's podium, so i'm going to be in for twice the snake fun! i found it online at house of tasso. i even got to talk to the woman who runs that site, she's really nice by the way! hope they come soon...

11-30-11

2011-12-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you like stonehenge', craig ferguson shares, 'you know stonehenge, the famous old relic thats been around for thousands of years. archaeologists have just discovered that mysterious pits are under the earth at stonehenge. stonehenge has always been a puzzle, but now there are extra pieces and they dont know how it fits in. there are new parts that dont seem to be parts from the whole thing. its almost like stonehenge has been build by ikea! stonehenge was used for all sorts of pagan rituals, the pagans would gather around and to all kinds of drumming and changing and dance naked. they would dance around to get their message across to more powerful beings. it was kind of like occupy stonehenge. the druids were the predecessors of todays wiccans. you know, the witchy people with the crystals and the enya music. a lot of cats. they put handkerchiefs over the lamps in their house. you better not make fun of wiccans, the last time i did they put a curse on me and now i'm hosting this crap. the newly discovered pits at stonehenge are directly in the path of the sun so they must have been used as some sort of sun worship. archaeologists say these pits were around 500 years before the stones were put in. they are still debating how the stones were constructed. its pretty obvious if youve ever seen flintstones, they used a brontosaurus as a crane.'

* david sedaris

> jeff cesario

11-29-11

2011-12-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

+ 'here at cbs we have had nonstop coverage of the events going on in teran', craig ferguson states, 'and by 'nonstop coverage' we mean the victoria's secret fashion show! take that, cnn with your fully clothed people and your wolf blitzer! apparently some of the cbs stations chose not to air the fashion show, they say its too racy. so for the people in the towns that didnt get to see the fashion show, i'll summarize it for you: boobies, boobies, more boobies, a little bit of ass. and then i turned on the tv to watch the fashion show! lets be honest, the whole fashion show is just an excuse to see women in their skivvies. come on, is underwear really fashion? i mean i think of fashion as a nice pair of pants, and a nice hat cocked to the side. and by that i mean a little had inside my pants... i suppose underwear as an expression of their individuality and style, and men just use it to cover up their junk so they dont get arrested. i dont require much from underwear, just so long as it protects my thighs from chaffing as i dance around the pole. but if i had to choose, i prefer cotton underwear because its soft and fluffy. its like dipping my balls in a cloud. i have been noticing that mens underwear have been getting smaller and smaller. a couple of weeks ago i tried on a thong and i havent been able to find it since! i think of g strings as the underwear version of whitney houston because they love crack.'

* michael connelly

- margaret cho

11-28-11

2011-12-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

the geoff peterson replacement, chloe banderas (voiced by tom lennon) is back!

+ 'today of course is cyber monday, the biggest online shopping day of the year', craig shares, 'i enjoy the online shopping. my favorite part of online shopping is the convenience. my second favorite is typing with my penis! i learned on a typewriter though, so i thump really hard. cyber monday is like black friday, but its a little less stampedey. lets face it, online shopping is simple, you just point and click, its like shooting stray cats. i'm kidding, i'm kidding, i dont do that. anyway, theres some things you can get on black friday that you cant get on cyber monday, like getting pepper sprayed in the face! if you are online and you want to get pepper sprayed, you have to do it yourself- i did it twice already today! look, i just want to tell you, i dont shoot cats. you know this is true about that pepper stray, in l.a. on black friday a woman pepper sprayed some walmart shoppers who tried to cut in line. the police acted very fast and immediately hired her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the united states!'

- aisha tyler

= justin moore

wilford brimley!

2011-12-03T08:42:00.001-08:00

after a long wait, wilford brimley finally comes to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'! a while ago criag's wife thought she spotted wilford brimley at a local grocery store in hollywood. craig mentioned it on the show that week, and ever since then he and geoff peterson have become quite obsessed with wilford! determined to investigate further, craig booked wilford on the show as a guest! well, he finally stopped by and chatted with our favorite late night host about whether it was him or not (spoiler: it was not). it sure did make for a funny/awkward segment! brimley if famous for disliking hollywood, so it was pretty funny to hear his grumpy ramblings about wanting to be far away from people. strange...

the best part? wilford even wins the coveted golden mouth organ!

11-23-11

2011-12-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

+ 'its the night before my favorite holiday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is! its thanksgiving eve, i'm so excited! 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i'm out of breath, i've been in the kitchen all day cooking up meth! thats my thanksgiving poem, i always say that! i know people are like 'come on craig, cant you say something classy on this magical night?' all right then: 'twas the night before thanksgiving and the foods in the oven, and i'm in the bedroom performing self lovin'! it is the night before thanksgiving, unless you live in canada, in which case, thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, so enjoy your round bacon and your hockey, you heathen bastards! what the hell? thanksgiving weeks before we have it?!? thanksgiving is, of course, the day we give thanks. as a vulgar late night entertainer i have much to be thankful for this year. there was congressman anthony wiener who texted his wiener, there was gerard depardieu who got his wiener out on a plane, and arnold schwarzenegger who had his wiener professionally cleaned! the good thing about these holidays is that you can look at all the jokes through out the year and use them again! thank you comedy gods for this weineriffic bounty!'

- ty burrell

- wilford brimley he even wins himself the golden mouth organ!

11-22-11

2011-12-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

+ 'the thing i'm most excited about is that today is the opening of the muppet movie', craig ferguson states, 'hurray! i feel a very strong connection to the muppet movie because i myself am just a puppet of a mighty corporation. anyway, its not your grandpa's muppet movie thought, its racy! its not rated 'G', its rated 'PG'! i think miss piggy must show a little bacon! a little bit of sizzle there, maybe. i remember back in the 70's the muppet movie had tons of celebrity cameos. there was richard pryor, bob hope, milton berle, dom de luise, orson wells. the lesson here is of course, if you appear in a muppet movie, you die! i'm kidding, the new muppet movie has a lot of celebrity cameos. its easier to list who's not in it than who's in it. who's not in it is me and corey feldman. i'm just kidding, corey feldman is in it. the late jim henson, of course, was the creator of the muppets. he also created iconic characters for other movies. he did the teenage mutant ninja turtles, the dark crystal movie, the 80's movie 'the labyrinth'. that one creature in the labyrinth really freaked me out, what was it again? thats right, david bowie. the word muppet, of course, is a combination of marionette and puppet. just like the word mobster is a combination of the words man and lobster. that means all of us have the capacity to end organized crime by simply dipping our local crime boss in butter and devouring his yumminess.'

- jason segal

- eliza coupe

11-21-11

2011-11-22T14:29:00.000-08:00

+ 'hollywood is swimming in cash because the twilight movie made so much money over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'whats it called again? breaking dawn? breaking wind? something like that. i love the twilight movie, i cant get enough of the sensitive vampires and the twinky werewolves! its not true. i've never seen them. well, i've seen the first one. i thought 'maybe this is not so bad' because i used to make fun of the harry potter, you know, i was like 'aw, this is rubbish'. but then i read the books and and watched the movies- now i'm a total griffin-dork! and if you dont know what that is then you are a hufflepuff! i thought 'well, ill look at a twilight movie, maybe i'm wrong'. i put it in the vcr- thats right, i've got a vcr! i took out my jackie chan movie and started watching it. i thought 'well, this is in fact awful!' its crap! to be fair, i only made it though the first half hour. maybe it got better, but i couldnt do that do myself. it would be like saying 'this really hurts when i rub the cheese grater on my genitals, but maybe it will get better, and besides my quesadilla isnt finished!' i shouldnt dis twilight, its not for me.'

+ robin williams joins in to help out with the tweets and emails

- johnny galicki

11-18-11

2011-11-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

+ 'today is a very big day for america's sweetheart: regis philbin', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend regis is having his last day on the regis show. i shouldnt call it the regis show, cause kelly ripa is there. they are two great hosts, but lets be honest, one of them is just there for eye candy, and the other one is kelly ripa. i remember i was eating breakfast when regis announced he was leaving, i almost choked on my sausage! and then my breakfast got stuck in my throat too! in new york people actually camped out to see regis' last show. it looked like occupy wall street, but regis' fans are a little bit older, so it looked more like occupy wall mart. regis' departure thought is big news. all day long reactions from the daytime tv stars came pouring in. the women from the view said they were sorry to see regis go, ellen degeneres said she is broken hearted, dr. phil said 'poached eggs in the hand when the chicken are flyin'!' a lot of people think regis is retiring, but hes not retiring. he's just finished with that show. retiring, now a days anyway, means taking some time off then coming back, taking pictures of your penis and texting them! regis would never do that. he would take pictures of his penis, but he wouldnt know how to text them!'

- don rickles

relationship advice from craig

2011-11-19T08:11:00.001-08:00

after reading a tweet about his recent penchant for fun socks, craig ferguson shares a bit of relationship advice for all the bachelors out there. he said 'hey, here's a tip. guys, if you want girls to find you attractive, when they are looking at your leg because they will be drawn by the sock. pull it down a little bit, and that mark that the elastic makes- it drives them crazy!'

11-17-11

2011-11-19T07:31:00.000-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you want to stop smoking', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 36th annual smoke out. this is the day that everybody who smokes is encouraged to knock it off. so if you are seeing me through a haze of smoke it means you haven't quit yet, or you live in l.a. and your window is open. but if you are out there smoking, stop right now! unless you are smoking... you know... in which case, carry on! you know, late november is the perfect time to quit smoking. what could be more stress free than spending the holidays with your family? but as bad as they are, smoking helps you deal with stress. so do breathing exercises. so my point is always smoke during yoga. president obama quit smoking earlier this year, but it wasnt easy, he had to ask the republicans for permission first. obama is not the first president to use tobacco though, fdr was famous for using one of those holders. bill clinton used one of those too, her name is monica. i think the surgan general should just come out and tell the truth: kissing a smoker is like licking a cats butt! dont ask me how i know that... call me, heathcliff!'

- robin williams

= black dub

11-16-11

2011-11-19T06:40:00.001-08:00

+ 'president obama is in australia today', craig ferguson states, 'you know whats interesting? when he is in australia his approval ratings go down the toilet in the other direction! last weekend the president was in hawaii, today he is in australia, on friday he goes to indonesia. i think what happened is he saw the republican debates and he was like 'this reelection is going to be a piece of cake, i'm going on vacation!' no, thats not true. the president is traveling all around the pacific rim. but its not a pacific rim vacation, its a pacific rim job... today the president made a big announcement, today he said we are sending 20,000 troops to australia. the troops are going down there for one reason: we've declared war on the dingos! dingos of course get a bad rap, they dont eat all the babies, just the tasty ones... dingo is just a fancy word for 'dog' though, dingos are just like regular old dogs, they lick their genitals one ball at a time, just like american dogs! do you know that this show actually airs in australia? i'm not sure how that works with the time difference, i think they are a day ahead. so the show thats on right now we havent even done it yet!'

- michael ian black

- alex kingston

11-15-11

2011-11-19T06:05:00.000-08:00

+ 'its a great day if you like to recycle', craig ferguson states, 'today is 'america recycles day', and i'm wondering if we really need this? we've already got earth day. so we have to think about the environment on two days?!? why dont we consolidate the two of them into one day, and while we are at it, get rid of arbor day. nobody gives a crap about arbor day! go on, tell me when it is, you cant! exactly! oh, go on, look it up on your computer! anyway, we have a strict recycling policy. can we see that picture of paul mccartney?' and for the one millionth time, they show a picture of angela lansbury! 'we think of recycling as a recent thing, but its been around for hundreds of years. historians say the first example of recycling was the pilgrims. they realized they could recycle corn cobs and use them as dildos! thats not true, but if it was true, wouldnt it be aw
esome? when you think about recycling you should always think about the three r's: reuse, renew, regis. these days we have separate colored bins for the different recyclable stuff. here in l.a. the green bin is for garden waste, blue bin for paper products, and pink bin for old breast implants. you can! you can recycle used boobies! i'm not just making this up. what they do is they melt down the recycled boobies and they turn them into lip injections and butt implants. and the circle of life continues!'

- ewan mcgregor who is always one of craig's best guests! also, now a winner of the golden mouth organ!

11-14-11

2011-11-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

+ 'over the weekend president obama was in hawaii', craig ferguson informs, 'his birth place- ha! he attended the big apec summit meeting. now, apec is the asia pacific economic corporation. once a year its leaders get together to discuss free trade, economic growth, blah blah blah. i'm bored already. here's a recap of the conference: president obama was like 'nu uh', china was like 'wha?' and obama was like 'no!' take that, nightline! anyway, i'm sure the conference was a barrel of laughs. everybody loves being in hawaii. the republican candidate rick perry said hawaii was one of his favorite states. there's texas, hawaii, and... there was a third one... its nice that they have the apec conference in hawaii, but i wonder if things got awkward with the leaders of japan? the tour guides are like 'and over here is pearl harbor, but i think you've been here before...'.'

- poppy montgomery

* charlie higson

11-11-11

2011-11-12T07:49:00.000-08:00

+ 'today is eleven eleven eleven', craig ferguson informs, 'todays date is the number eleven repeated three times. whats that called again when something is repeated over and over again? thats right, this show! the date 11/11/11 is kind of freaky though. seeing all these ones lined up like that reminds me of the days i had to count my earnings from the strip club. i may have been payed in one dollar bills, but what i learned there was priceless! on the internet there were all kinds of doomsday predictions for the eleventh. but guess what? nothing happened! it doesnt mean anything! people put a lot of significance in numbers, and these people are called morons! to me, numbers have no significance. mathematics has significance, but numbers are just tools of mathematics. i like mathematics, there's always a right or wrong answer. there's no subtlety, no nuance. unlike in art or literature or the gender of the prostitutes on hollywood boulevard! all i'm saying is that you know what you are going to get with mathematics, there's no nasty surprises... or awesome surprises depending on your point of view.'

+ jennifer tilly reads linda cunningham's 'small town girl'

* linda cunningham (she's craig's mother-in-law!)

- drew carey

11-10-11

2011-11-11T09:12:00.001-08:00

+ 'its not a great day for texas governor rick perry', craig ferguson shares, 'oh shame. everybody's talking about his performance in the republican candidate debate, the brain freeze he had while trying to name three government agencies that he would eliminate. the media are going cockahoop over this, the pundits are saying that rick perry is as dumb as a post, he's a terrible public speaker, he's an embarrassment to the republican party. now, those things may be true, but personally though i hope he doesnt get out of the campaign. i need rick perry. i need him! i dont want to spend the next year trying to make jokes about mitt romney! what am i going to do with romney?!? take that, romney, you nice haired gorgeous hunk! where the hell can i go with that? look at you with your suit that fits perfectly! anyway, i salute rick perry for the way he's trying to overcome this, today he came out saying hes not one of those slick politicians, this is him just showing his human side, and some third excuse he cant remember...'

- molly shannon

- michael k. williams

11-09-11

2011-11-11T09:11:00.003-08:00

+ 'last night there was a close call for planet earth', criag ferguson shares, 'we had a giant asteroid pass by, it was only 200,000 miles from earth. the experts said 'thats not going to hit us', i was still nervous. last night i was screaming 'not the face! not the face!' but we are all right, and i say good riddance asteroid! this is a true thing, the asteroids went by. we dont need you, the human race is perfectly capable of destroying itself. 'oh craig, thats biting commentary about climate change', and i'm like 'no, its just pessimism fueled by a difficult childhood. and a love of dark chocolate.' the asteroid was huge though, it was 1300 feet across. thats the same size as michael moore's ass. the scientists gave it a lame name, they called it 'YU55'. they shouldnt call it that, it should be called something like 'death rock' or 'big floaty boulder'! anyway, nasa says that if the the asteroid would have hit earth it would have caused a 7.4 magnitude earthquake. if it had hit the sea it would have caused a 70 foot tsunami. if it hit were the land met the sea, for example somewhere on the jersey shore, it could have knocked the drink from snooki's hand! now, realistically of course, if we ever face a collision with an asteroid, nasa will do what they do best: assemble a rag-tag band of good looking welders to go up there and kick that rock's ass! you know, they will blow it up with the most powerful weapon ever invented: the power of the ballad! like they did in that movie 'armageddon', you know when they did that thing and steven tyler did his singing thing. it was sexy and creepy because he was singing the song while ben affleck was getting it on with steven tyler's daughter!'

- ellen barkin

> dave attell

11-08-11

2011-11-11T09:11:00.001-08:00

+ 'its a great day for me because i just got out of jury duty like three minutes ago!' craig ferguson shares, 'i was very happy to do my civic duty. well, i was very happy to be excused from my civic duty. i was at the l.a. county courthouse all day, i was there all day! it was like three hours in the jury room and it was getting really intense. you know what it was like? it was like a greyhound bus station, waiting for the bus of justice! and the woman next to me was cracking her knuckles and the woman across from me was giving me the stink eye! she was an old lady, but she fancied her chances. i was like 'i'll cut a bitch!' it was going to get shanky in there! and then they were called into this thing. what do they call it? a court! there were 45 potential jurors, and i was in there with all these different people. the judge starts interviewing everybody and they ask what job you do and i said 'late night talk show host' and everybody went 'oh!' and i went 'on cbs' and everybody went 'ugh.' it was a stalking case, it was about stalking! i was like 'judge, i do a lot of stalking, so i dont know if i'm right for this'. i dont know if it was really working, so i made a pass at the judge. anyway, she's meeting me later on!'

- jennifer tilly

* lawrence block

geoff peterson's new voice(s)

2011-11-11T09:10:00.001-08:00

does geoff sound a bit different to you? well, there's a reason for that! craig recently spoke about the temporary change in geoff's voice: 'i'm a little worried. i dont know if you are aware of this, but geoff is undergoing some repairs at the moment, so we are trying out various different personality chips for the next two weeks. so geoff will not necessarily be his normal self tonight.' later craig ferguson explains 'a lot of people have been asking me recently 'whats going on with geoff? something's going on with geoff? we want old geoff back!' look, old geoff will be coming back, but the thing is that essential maintenance is being conducted on geoff's innards, and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality.' it seems that geoff's usual voice is gone for a while and there will be a rotating collection of people stepping in to voice our favorite robot skeleton!

those who have stepped in to do geoff's voice:

11-07-11

2011-11-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

+ 'not a great day for herman cain', craig ferguson states, 'the front runner of the republican presidential nomination, and also michael caine's brother. maybe thats a reach... now firstly, herman cain is the front runner of the sexual harassment claims. i believe very firmly that you are innocent until proven guilty, but today another woman accused him of harassment. how many does that make? four! now the first time you hear a nasty accusation like this you think 'well, it may or may not be true', when it happens twice you think 'well...', the third time 'argh...', the fourth time you think 'who does this guy think he is? schwarzenegger? he cant be doing this!' now four women have accused herman cain of being inappropriate. now thats got to remind him of the deal he made back at the pizza joints: harass four, you get the fifth free! now, people make fun of the fact that he was the CEO of a pizza chain, but i think pizza and politicians go hand in hand: both are hot and steamy and go straight to your ass! cain worked for a pizza chain called godfathers, but apparently he make an offer they could refuse!'

- jeffrey dean morgan

> jeff cesario

11-04-11

2011-11-11T09:08:00.004-08:00

+ 'a couple of big movies opening today', craig ferguson reminds, 'youve got the harold and kumar christmas movie opening with neil patrick harris! neil patrick harris: three names, all adorable! he's with us tonight. and tower heist is opening as well with ben stiller, who is not here, so his movie is being slammed by us. no, i'm sure its great. i'm not clear on what its about, i think ben stiller tries to steal money and then stuff in a museum comes to live and helps him do it! its got eddie murphy in it and he's really funny. i love that eddie is paired up with ben stiller, they are like a modern day abbott and costello if abbot were skinny and costello were in to transsexuals. anyway, tower heist, the title tells you what you are going to get. not like some movies, i went to see moneyball: money? ball? brad pitt? i'm sold! i walked out of that movie feeling such a fool! i like heist movies. my all time favorite heist movie is a movie called 'the italian job' from the 1960's.

- neil patrick harris

- imelda may

11-03-11

2011-11-11T09:08:00.003-08:00

+ 'i usually try to avoid talking about controversial subjects', craig ferguson states, 'you know, like political dirty laundry and all that stuff. but the top story is pretty much everywhere right now so i've got to talk about it: thats right, someone bought queen victoria's underwear. apparently an anonymous man, a man that nobody knows who it is. 'what kind of man is that?' an anonymous man! he or she, but it was a man, but he was anonymous, so you cant be entirely sure. this anonymous person, a man, in scotland paid fifteen thousand bucks at auction for the panties from the 19th century. i cant tell you who it was, but it was a very tense auction. 'sold to the creepy scottish guy in the back!' cost me a fortune! but so what, i love the feeling of two hundred year old silk against my junk! beneath these trousers is a piece of history... and the queen's panties. the queen's undergarments were very big, they had to be: victoria was the embodiment of english modesty. she also had to cover up her tramp stamp as well.'

- alan alda

- ariel tweto

super tweety

2011-11-11T09:08:00.001-08:00

craig ferguson and geoff peterson are back at it with a new email and tweet song! this time the jingle is in the style of rick james and seems to be a play on his hit 'super freak'. craig, clad in a goofy wig and mustache, rocks out the leopard print jacket, plays with some sort of fish for some reason, and tries to have his way with geoff in drag! of course, each version of the tweets jingle must have 'ass mode' in it, this time it is in the form of huge rings craig wears! they do a great job of getting the 70's rick james style, complete with cheesy effects and everything!

11-02-11

2011-11-11T09:06:00.004-08:00

+ 'not a great day for herman cain, the pizza man who turned presidential candidate', craig ferguson shares, 'a third woman accused him of sexual harassment. three! then he was immediately endorsed by bill clinton.

the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'

- ted danson

- bitsie tulloch

11-01-11

2011-11-11T09:06:00.003-08:00

+ 'its not a great day for kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for kim and her soon to be ex husband, lurch kardashian. as the whole world knows by now, they have pulled the plug on their marriage after a whopping 72 days. even by hollywood standards thats not long! i've had erections that have lasted longer! i know, i know, i should have called my doctor. but what am i going to say? 'its awesome, doctor!' i dont know why people get worked up about gay marriage, its not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, its fucking celebrities that are ruining the sanctity of marriage! 'craig, thats rich coming from you who has been married three times' shut up, i cant be held to my own standards, how dare you! i'll tell you, the news about the kardashian divorce has depressed me. its either that or all the candy i ate last night. and this morning. and right before i walked out right here... oh butterfinger, i am your bitch! anyway, the 72 day marriage doesn't come close to the all time hollywood record. thats held by carmen electra and dennis rodman who were married for 9 days. 9 days. it boggles my mind! what could dennis rodman have done? oh thats right, its dennis rodman.'

- maria bello

- jake johnson

10-31-11

2011-11-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

+ happy halloween! 'it is a great day for the human race!' criag ferguson states, 'is it? yes it is. we are no seven billion strong! well done, us! the seven billionth person was born today. congratulations! its a baby girl! i think. you know whats more surprising? out of the seven billion people in the world no one is surprised that kim kardashian is getting divorced. thats not true, i was surprised. when i heard she was getting divorced i thought 'what?' i mean, i called it, but i didnt call it that fast- i said like a year, but thats fast! terribly sad. if two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a tv show cant make it, what hope is there for any of us? apparently kim and her husband whose name is... i dont know, tall dude? what is it, lurch? i dont know. anyway, they didnt have a prenup! yeah, that will scare you on halloween! under california law that means that he is now legally entitled to half the junk in her trunk. thats still a lot of junk...'

- zooey deschanel

* neil gaiman he presents craig with a haggis!

= amanda palmer

10-28-11

2011-11-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

+ 'its friday of course', craig ferguson states, 'only three more shopping days until halloween! i've already picked out my costume: i'm going as 'grumpy old man who doesnt give out candy'! anyway, its a very exciting day today, i've been looking forward to it all year. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it by now, but today is the first day of the rome international film festival. in rome people are running through the streets, drinking and partying, waving their arms in the air! then they heard about the film festival! 'whas a come and a go, itsa movie time!' i've got to be honest with you, i actually dont give a rats ass about the rome film festival, but i do love the city of rome. whenever i think of rome i think of orgies. i know you are wondering 'why? why do you think of roman orgies, craig?' i'll tell you why: because i'm filthy! actually i think of roman orgies all the time, all those writhing bodies, all that exposed flesh, all those shiny helmets rubbing... you know, some times there were women there too!'

- olivia munn

> judy gold

= duran duran

10-27-11

2011-11-11T08:01:00.001-08:00

+ 'last night, wednesday night, i did what i normally do on hump day', craig ferguson shares, 'i went to the movies. 'why did you go to the movies on hump day?' i hear you ask in your high pitched scottish voice. why would you go to a movie? what is it about having an infant crying and pooping all over your house that would make you seek the quite dark sanctuary of a movie theater? that 8 month old tyrrant! how could something that small be so loud? i was all complaining about it, i said to my wife 'oh come on, that baby is so loud!' and she said 'yeah, i wonder where he gets that...'. anyway, i saw the movie 'warrior'. its a good movie, actually. the guy who plays the lead is great, his name is tom hardy. he's in the next batman movie, he plays batmans sidekick: throbbin'... nick nolte was in the movie too, it was a great performance. nick nolte actually offered to get me a copy of the movie on dvd, he was going to drive it over himself. i'm like 'nah, its safer if i just go to the theater myself...' anyway, the movie is about mma, thats mixed martial arts. watching those fighters made me feel really out of shape. it inspired me: next week i'm going to do a push up!'

- kunal nayyar

10-21-11

2011-11-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

+ 'there's big news in the world of late night tv', craig ferguson shares, 'this week president obama is going to be a guest on the tonight show with jay leno. i'm surprised because his popularity is at an all time low. there are people in the street who are marching against him. so its very nice of president obama to help him out!

hey, did you hear about this thing that happened in dublin? dublin is in ireland. in ireland a man was arrested, and this is true, he was arrested for defecating in his apartment space heater, which apparently is a crime in dublin! he was arrested, the cops barged in and said 'this place is a dump!' and he said 'thanks, i made it me self!' thats true!

- jeffrey tambor

= laura janson

> cory kahaney

10-20-11

2011-11-11T07:36:00.000-08:00

+ 'not everybody is having a great day', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for the nut job dictators of the world. moammar gadhafi is in fact no mo mar gadhafi! a spokesperson for the libyan rebels said that gadhafi will soon be replaced by ashton kutcher. it will never work! i dont know, if ashton walks around taking his shirt off all the time it might work! say what you want about gadhafi, no really, you can say what you want, really, whatever you want. its fitting that today was the day that gadhafi got his comuppance. he was a terrible bully. today is of course, spirit day. a day against bullying of all types. people wore purple today in recognition. personally i am wearing a purple tie to support the cause and i am wearing purple briefs to support my junk. there are all kinds of bullies of course, evil dictator bullies, schoolyard bullies, internet bullies, wooly bullys...'

- tom lennon

- sarah paulson

10-19-11

2011-11-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

+ 'when ever i see professional baseball players in action i am very impressed', craig ferguson shares, 'unfortunately though, i live in l.a. and we dont have a professional baseball team, just the dodgers. ha ha ha! am i right sports fans? no really, am i right? i dont know! i do like baseball though, theres something incredibly uplifting about baseball and i'm not just talking about the tight pants. there's an inherent optimism about baseball, its something that could have only come from america because even the best players dont get on base more than about three every ten times. if you can hit 40 percent of the time in baseball you are going in the hall of fame! and then later you get your head frozen and put in a box or something, i dont know what the system is. what i'm saying is that when the batter strikes out he goes back to the dugout and he gets ready for the next time and all the other players are like 'you get up there and get em next time'. and thats an optimism that makes baseball american! do you think a french guy would be like that? strike one! 'oh, i surrender...'.'

- carla gugino

> joe matarese

10-18-11

2011-10-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

+ 'its a great day for the day of alaska', craig ferguson states, 'congratulations alaskonians... its alaska day today! its a big holiday up there, it was on this day in 1867 that the united states bought alaska from the russians. and in about six months from now we will sell it to china... by sheer coincidence, sarah palin's daughter bristol turns 21 today, so happy birthday, bristol! i hope she is careful, now that she's 21 she can drink, and drinking alcohol can sometimes lead to sleeping with people you shouldnt be sleeping with. nah, that would never happen! i'm going to do something very unusual for a late night douche bag, i'm going to defend sarah palin. just a little! a lot of people think that she said 'i can see russia from my house', but she never said that, that was a sketch from saturday night life, that was tina fey, for some reason people thought that it was true. you should never believe stuff you see on tv, trust me... for years i thought dr. phil was a real doctor! and i let him check my prostate!'

- carey mulligan

> paula poundstone

10-17-11

2011-10-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

+ 'you know, the art world has gone crazy', craig ferguson shares, 'there's a new book out tomorrow about vincent van gogh. for more than 100 years everyone thought van gogh had committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest, but this book says it was murder! anyway, the book turns the conventional wisdom about van gogh on its ear. ha ha! see what i did! the authors of this new book, what they are saying, they really did their homework, they say that handguns were very rare in the south of france where van gogh lived. and they ask the fair question of who would give a handgun who was so insane he cut off his own ear? anyway, apparently van gogh cut off his own ear, wrapped it in newspaper, and sent it to his favorite prostitute. the authors believed that this is a strong indication that van gogh was the worst tipper ever! the book says that van gogh might have been accidentally shot by a local teenager. there's eye witness accounts that people saw them drinking together. unfortunately the eye witnesses were all french, and they were mimes!'

- matt smith

- joel schumacher

10-14-11

2011-10-29T19:56:00.001-07:00

+ 'the big movie out today that i'm very excited about is a remake of footloose', craig ferguson states sarcastically, 'yeah, cause it was so fucking awesome the first time around! we're all familiar with the plot of footloose, of course. the elders of a small town ban dancing, then the youth rise up and kill them and clog dance on their heads! the original footloose starred kevin bacon, but kevin bacon refused a supporting role in the remake, he says the part wasnt fully fleshed out, and you want your bacon fleshed out, of course. i think kevin turned it down because he's getting older. when he does that dance with his loose foot, maybe today his foot might actually come off! you know, everytime i do that footloose dance it just looks like i've just got restless leg syndrome. they are really giving this film a big marketing push, its true, they are selling clothing inspired by the film. they've got high heeled red boots and nail polish, and dont worry, they've got something for the ladies too!

- liza minnelli

- adam pally

10-13-11

2011-10-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

+ 'its a great day for america's little person sex pot kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'she's tiny, she's portable, she's sexy! her tv wedding special had ten and a half million viewers. ten and a half million! to give you an idea how much that is, take the viewership of this show and add ten and a half million! i dont care though because i'm taller. to be fair, the ten and a half million viewers, most of them were family. but now kim and her husband can look forward to the pitter patter of tiny feet as ryan seacrest runs up to congratulate them! take that, you successful bastards!'

- kathy bates

- anthony head

10-12-11

2011-10-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

+ 'all across the country, of course, the big news is the occupy wall street thing', craig ferguson states, 'the protests are still going on, they started off strong, and now they are huge! which just goes to show you, you give something tiny a little attention, a little love, and it will grow and it will grow... 'craig, are you using this culturally significant social movement to make a lame penis joke?' yes i am. its in my blood, its what i do! as far as i can tell though, the protesters are against government corruption, corporate corruption, and rich people. so i'm like 'alright, sounds good to me'. rich people are bastards, its true. rich people arent watching this, they've got cable! they are though, they put their names on buildings, they gobble up our national supply of caviar, they buy up tropical islands and hunt poor people for sport! they do! 'now i hunt the greatest game of all: man!'. last week the police were using pepper spray on protesters. thats frightening! what if they are spraying the protesters with condiments so the rich people can eat them! in new york the protesters are getting pretty rowdy. this morning they gathered together, they overturned donald trump's hair and set it on fire. i dont advocate criminal activity usually, but this time i'll make an exception.'

- jim parsons

= cake

geoff's new girlfriend

2011-10-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

it seems that geoff peterson has found a new lady friend! earlier this week craig ferguson invited a young woman from the audience to come up and chat with him during the show intro: 'so, are you a dancer?' craig asks.

'i'm an actor' alex replies.

'just getting started? are you in any of the acting classes? when you are in the acting classes are there cute boys that you get to make out with and stuff?' craig questions.

'yup' alex responds.

'i went to them too. look, you know, its good that you are getting out and making friends. but you've got to be careful, there are a lot of ruthless rotten types in this town and if you are not careful you could wind up hosting a crappy late night talk show, and i worry about you. do you have an agent?' asks craig.

'no, i dont'

'well, thats good! wait a minute... did you just sit in lesbian row so you could get on the show?' craig wonders.

'sorta kinda'

'i see, so you are using this show to forward your career. you know, why not? good luck to you, i say.' as the show progressed, alex stood up by geoff peterson for the tweets and emails segment, and alex's mom even came and sat with craig during the closing segment of the show. the next night we find out that she and geoff must have hit it off because craig introduces her as geoff's new girlfriend! she seems to like 'em skinny, gay, and dead! good luck to the two of them!

*UPDATE* unfortunately for geoff, they broke up soon after alex's appearance. but, alex seemed to like being on craig's show so much that she applied for an internship at CBS! alex came to the show again and craig announced that fact on air! he also tried to hook alex up with bridger, the former intern who now works on the show as a production assistant. i'll keep you updated any any alex/bridger news!

10-11-11

2011-10-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

+ 'not a great day in london', craig shares, 'you know why? big ben, you know, the big ben clock tower, london's famous landmark, the big ben clock tower, its in trouble. surveyors are saying that its leaning to one side and if nothing is done its going to topple over. now, the london skyline is dominated by that tower. just like paris has the eiffel tower, chicago has the sears tower, los angeles has smog and endless douche bags. but technically 'big ben' is the name of the bell inside the tower but a lot of people just call the whole building big ben, which is ok. there's more to that magnificent structure than that big dong. i know how it feels... anyway, the bell inside the tower isnt the original, it was replaced soon after the tower's construction. the original bell was declaired, and i quote, 'porous, unsound, and defective'. so they made it a member of the royal family. personally i dont mind if big ben is leaning, as long as its not a threat to pippa middleton, she's too precious! some people say the shifting of big ben is due to the construction of london's subway, but i think its obvious who's really responsible: lord voldemort! 'i cant believe you said his name!' 'shut up, ron!' how creepy is it that i know all that shit?'

- steven wright

- monica potter

10-10-11

2011-10-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

+ 'it is a great day if you've got a beard', craig ferguson shares, 'but its always a great day if you've got a beard! the police have arrested two men who have been breaking into the houses of amish men and shaving off their beard! now, as you know, the amish reject most forms of technology. they are like old people, but on purpose. which is kind of a dumb thing to say because you dont become old by accident. anyway, the debeardings were committed by other members of the amish community. fox has already announced a new reality show called 'when amish attack'. the beard attacks have rocked the amish community. towns like intercourse, pennsylvania. all summer nobody could get through intercourse without hearing about it. in the town square conversations were going on all day because some people like to talk in the middle of intercourse. by the way, if you are in pennsylvania and you want to skip intercourse, why not travel on route 69. its the scenic route, you know, so make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses... you know, it takes you all the way to jackson hole!'

+ betty white comes on to announce she is running for president with the slogan 'white power'. um, she might want to rethink that one...

- claire danes

10-07-11

2011-10-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

+ at the top of the show we see craig ferguson standing with his buddy chris hardwick. 'you probably know why i called you here, chris hardwick.'

'i wish i did, for once' chris replies.

'well, heres the reason why: tonights first guest jason schwartzman was on the way in from new york city but apparently his plane was delayed. so for the purposes of this evening, and perhaps later on when we go for dinner, you will have to be jason schwartzman tonight.'

'oh, really?!'

'yes, this is your big acting opportunity, you get to show the world what a great actor you are.' craig states.

'oh', chris says trying to get into character, 'i am fantastic on 'bored to death'! i sure loved being in 'the royal tenenbaums', bill murray and i had fun traipsing around on 'rushmore'!'

'the thing is though, he might make it, so in which case if he does get here, you can hang out by the robot.'

'so uh, i'm your door prize? is that what i'm doing today?' chris questions

'is that the kind of acting you are going to do? because jason schwartzman is much better than that...' craig states.

'no no no, that was something he said on a thing once'

'really?' craig asks.

'no, i made that up.' chris admits.

'some times i wonder why we're friends, and then you kiss me and i remember...' turns out, jason does make it in time. so instead chris helps out with tweets and emails instead.

- jason schwartzman

- eliza coupe

10-06-11

2011-10-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

+ 'listen, if you've tuned in tonight to hear me talk about the nobel prize', criag begins, 'you are out of luck. i've talked about the nobel prize all week, and i'm not going to talk about it tonight. i'm kidding, its day four of the nobel prize week- its the nobel prize for literature! literature is books, you know those things that you download and then ignore because you are playing angry birds! the nobel prize for literature went to the author who has enriched all our lives- i'm talking of course about snookie. to be fair, i havent read snookie's book, maybe she's a young poofy haired hemingway, she's already got the drinking part down, she's already on her way! no, the guy who won today was a swedish poet. now, if you know anything about me, you know i love swedish poetry. some people like crack, but for me its swedish poetry! when ever the crack pipe gets handed to my, i say no thanks. 'let that pipe move along' i always say! 'i'm sorry barman, nothing in your entire establishment interests me, do you have any swedish poetry?' 'i'm sorry i cant look at your breasts, attractive stranger, unless they are covered in swedish poetry!'.'

- evangeline lilly

* dan riskin

win the big cash prize!

2011-10-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

at the end of each interview craig ferguson always likes to offer a choice for the guests. it started off with an awkward pause, then expanded to include the option of playing the mouth organ (and a chance to win the golden mouth organ!). there have been a some other options that never seemed to pan out, like 'touch my glittery ball'. but now there is a new one: win the big cash prize! if a guest chooses this option, they can win fifty dollars, all in singles, by answering one question correctly. the question always starts the same way: 'iceland is a country in the north atlantic. its capitol is reykjavik...' and then craig asks the question. what do iceland and reykjavik have to do with the question? nothing at all! but it sure does mix up the guests! questions have ranged from topics such as blinking, the french language, and regis philbin's height. fortunately, the guests can ask for a little help and craig will whisper the right answer to them, but not all the guests take advantage of it. usually the guests dont even believe the money is real! to which craig replies 'it is fifty 1 dollar bills, accepted at all strip clubs in these united states!'

10-05-11

2011-10-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

+ 'its day three of nobel prize week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'today is the nobel prize for chemistry! i love nobel prize week, i love the build up to friday when all the winners get a shot at the showcase showdown! thats how they do it, one lucky contestant will win a trip to hawaii and a hug from skinny drew carey. i've hugged drew carey when he was fat and now i've hugged him now that he's skinny. i preferred fat, i've got to be honest. anyway, the nobel prize for chemistry was won today by an isreali scientist, daniel sheckman, for his work on quasi crystals. they are like regular crystals, but not as meth-y. actually, they are not not like regular crystals at all! quasi crystals are different from other crystals because their molecular pattern never ever repeats themselves. just like us here, we never ever repeat ourselves. isnt that right, picture of paul mccartney? the guy who won the nobel prize has an awesome story, its a very good story. he was working on this stuff but had to quit from the research group because the people he was working with on the quasi crystals they thought that this was absurd. so he had to leave and now he has achieved great success on his own. in layman's terms, its like if the research group was destiny's child and he was beyonce!'

- joel mchale

+ michael caine in space

= elizabeth cook

10-04-11

2011-10-20T16:09:00.000-07:00

+ 'there's big news in the geeky world', craig ferguson shares, 'its nobel prize week! i know what you are thinking, i know your thinking 'craig, are you going to do a whole week of nobel prize monologues like you did last year?' and to these people i say 'youve been watching this show way too much, and that will learn you for not paying your cable bill!'.' (if you are nerdy enough to actually remember craig's monologues from last year, you can relive them here, here, and here!) 'plus, its already tuesday and i didnt even mention the nobel prize yesterday, so ha ha. today was the nobel prize for physics! now, do you know who won? thats right, you guessed it, mike and molly's melissa maccarthy! it really is her year! no, she didnt win the nobel prize for physics. i'm kind of obsessed with physics, i have one of those little toys where you pull out one ball and it smashes against the other one and they keep going back and forth. i have one with me at all times! whats it called again? oh yes, its my scrotum.'

- jessica lange

* jacques steinberg

10-03-11

2011-10-20T15:34:00.001-07:00

+ 'do you know what is happening?' craig ferguson asked, 'its the third week of the 'occupy wall street' protests in new york and today the protests shut down an entire manhattan street. and then the cops asked michael moore to move. i know what you are thinking 'wait a minute craig, he lost some weight' yeah, but he put it back on again. and thats just when duche bags like me swoop! you get no congratulations for losing the weight, and then we just wait like vultures... anyway, the protests on wall street is actually a pretty diverse group of people. you've got liberals and conservatives, libertarians and socialists, team edward and team jacob. everybody is there! now some people have criticized the protesters for a lack of focus and they might have a point. today the crowd was chanting 'what do we want?' 'we're not sure' 'when do we want it?' 'well, depends...'.'

+ we also learned that michelle obama really loves to watch the show. or maybe not.

- lily tomlin

- ion gruffudd

9-30-11

2011-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

+ 'the real news this week', craig ferguson states, 'scientists are in the news! 'who are they?' eh, just guys. scientists think they have discovered particles they think go faster than light. i know what you are thinking 'oh come on, not another late night guy banging on about particle physics, leno did this last week!' anyway, this discovery took place at the world famous cern laboratory in switzerland. now scientists made this discovery inside a device known as a 'super collider'. a super collider is different than a regular collider because it wears tights and a cape. i dont know if something can go faster than the speed of light, but this research team said they have tripple checked the data, and swiss scientists have a reputation for being thorough. remember, the swiss scientists created the swiss army knife. the speed of light is, of course, is 186,000 miles per second. its hard to visualize it, so an easier way to think about it is to think of the entire universe is like a mile of highway, then light is traveling at the speed of mel gibson after three margaritas! if this discovery holds it is amazing, if there is actually something that goes faster than the speed of light- this changes everything! for a start, it means that einstein's theory of relativity is wrong. of course albert einstein is no longer with us, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'my god, the detroit lions are 3-0? this cannot be!' i know! for most of the last century the basis of all high level physics has been einstein's theory of relativity: e=mc2. which is like the nerd equivalent of witnessing a naked lesbian pillow fight- this is a big deal!

- seth rogan

- judy greer

9-29-11

2011-10-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

+ 'its a big day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'as you can probably tell. its national coffee day, i've had a lot of- a lot of coffee today. it is, its national coffee day so hazaah for watery stimulants. i freely admit that i am addicted to coffee. if i dont have coffee i am a cranky miserable bastard. after i've had a cup of coffee i am a speedy cranky miserable bastard. i used to get my coffee every day at the same place, the starbucks up on melrose. i stopped because they wouldnt let people use the bathroom. i said 'wha?!?' i wanted to use the bathroom one day, i'm a human. they said 'no, we dont let you, its locked'. coffee is a diuretic! what the hell is this?!? they said 'well, we cant open the bathroom because prostitutes were conducting their business inside the bathroom'. i'm like 'what? do you want them conducting their business outside the bathroom?!?' well why not, we are already getting screwed by the 10 dollar cup of coffee, so why not? i stopped going in protest to them, and i got my daily coffee somewhere else. i taught them a lesson by going to the starbucks next door. anyway, starbucks logo of course is a mermaid with no clothes on- its very racy! you can see the nipples and the genitals and everything! i mean, you have to draw them on... id rather see the mermaid on the cup than those inspirational quotes. remember they used to put the inspirational quote on the cup? oh piss off! 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind' yeah, whatever ghandi! put some pants on! the worst was when they had quotes from regular customers. if i wanted to read inane drivel i would follow a kardashian on twitter!'

- carson kressley

- michelle monaghan

9-28-11

2011-10-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

+'its still not a great day here at CBS', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone here is still a little bit sad and we are still reeling from yesterdays news about andy rooney retiring. when i first heard about this i thought 'here we go, another sexting scandal!' turns out he's leaving '60 minutes' to pursue his true calling: mixed martial arts. i'm really kind of sad about andy being gone. larry king retired, then regis retired, and now andy rooney retiring. i'm one of the last grumpy old dudes on tv! sunday will be andy rooney's final appearance on 60 minutes. after that his eyebrows will be shipped to the smithsonian where they will delight tourists and children for generations to come. 'in olden days, kids, these things roamed the prairies in great herds, the whole country was dark with them- then the white man came.' there's big news around here anyway, cbs is throwing a 'going away' dinner for andy at three o'clock in the afternoon! they want me to dress like a stripper and pop out of the cake but i wont do it! lets just say that you dont want to be covered in icing when morley saffer is around... he's got a sweet tooth and quick hands! andy rooney started working at cbs back in 1949! now tv was a lot different back then, for one thing you had to watch shows actually on television- not on your phone, on television! and there was no remote so you actually had to walk all the way up there and change the channel. the good news is you only had to do it twice and thats everything. 'three whole channels and there's still nothing to watch in tv!' but back then there were no reality shows, no late night talk shows, no kardashian shows. in other words, it was the golden age! channels were different back then too, there was the history channel back then, but it was just simply called 'now'.'
- rashida jones
* jonathan ames

9-27-11

2011-10-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

+ 'its not a great day in brazil', craig ferguson shares, 'you know brazil? the south american country famous for the nuts and the waxing, and the waxing nuts. right now in northeast brazil they might have to shut down the breaches because of piranhas! yikes! you dont want to get in the water with one of those! i feel the same about larry king. i never go in the hot tub with larry king, although he does make his own bubbles. they smell like brisket. over the weekend 100 people in brazil were attacked by piranhas! to give you an idea of just how aggressive these piranhas have become, the people that were attacked were in their hotels! you know, the piranha fish are always popular in the bond movies as well. the villain always says 'please excuse the bubbliness of my jacuzzi mr. bond, its just my deadly piranhas. why dont you take a bath, mr. bond! ha ha!'.'
- mary lynn rajskub
* jackie collins
= trombone shorty

9-26-11

2011-10-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

+ 'good news from the world of food', criag ferguson states, 'there's a new show premiering on another network. its a food show and its called 'the chew'. its like 'the view' because they both have 'eww' in it! now in a lot of cities, 'the chew' is replacing the canceled soap opera 'all my children'. or is it?!? duh dum! if this show does well it will inspire other food themed tv shows on network tv. 'c.s. pie', 'desperate house pies', 'how pie met your mother', 'american pie-dle'. yeah, their all kind of crap, huh? the food shows are all the rage, though. they made some chefs famous, there are no more plain old chefs anymore, now they are all iron chefs and celebrity chefs. its like porn stars, they are all porn 'stars' now, there's no porn actors anymore, they are all 'stars'. what ever happened to the plain old porn actor, the regular working stiff, what happened to him? here in l.a. you can tell when a celebrity chef made my meal because you can taste the botox in it. to be honest, i dont want to know who made my food, i like the whole thing to be anonymous. i look at the menu, i make my order, someone cleans the table and i leave a tip- just like sex! thats the way i like it!'
- jonah hill
= chris young

craig on nerdist!

2011-10-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

chris hardwick has been on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' many times. chris is a nerd and lover of all things nerdy (check out his website for proof!), every time he comes on to criag's show they always end up talking about dr. who and the like. well, it seems that the bbc has taken notice of chris' obsession because he recently got a show on the bbc america channel called 'the nerdist'. the show is basically a talk show where chris and his two friends chat about anything that comes to their minds. it is exactly like the nerdist podcasts (which, by the way, if you havent been listening to those, you better start catching up- they are hilarious!) where the three of them just basically nerd out about anything and everything. chris must have wanted to repay the favor because his first guest on the show was our very own craig ferguson! the two of them talk about everything including the nerdist graphic, craig's recent visit to france, girlfriend advice, and craig's 'muppet' show! and even, with all that dr. who talk, guess who shows up? matt smith! craig, chris, and matt have a hilarious interview together! its obvious that those involved are having a blast i sure hope they make some more of these!

9-23-11

2011-10-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

+ 'a lot of big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend gerry's movie 'machine gun preacher' is opening today, you know, prayer and bullets- thats what you want! also the movie 'moneyball' which i thought i would love moneyball because this movie clearly combines two great passions in my life, and then i realized it was about baseball and i'm like meh. then i found out its about the math behind baseball- bleh! and then i found out brad pitt's in it and i though 'well...' there's other movies out too, there's 'abduction' with taylor lautner, and then there's another movie out called 'dolphin tale' which is about dolphins. i'm not sure which i like more, a movie with taylor lautner or a movie about dolphins? a movie about a glistening creature i dream about swimming with, or a movie about dolphins?'
- gerard butler
- kat dennings

9-22-11

2011-10-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

+ 'earlier tonight there was the premier of the new charlie's angels', craig ferguson shares, 'its a new version of the old 70's show, which i think is a good idea. i think they should do more, do more shows from the 70's. what about hawaii five-0, i think that would be a good idea. wait, thats on cbs isnt it? i aught to pay more attention to the cbs schedule. do we still have 'dr. quinn, medicine woman'? anyway, today is a special day for charlie's angels, not only is the new show premiering, but it was 35 years ago today that the original show premiered! i remember it like it was yesterday. i was 14 years old, doing things that a 14 year old boy does: masturbating, huffing paint... sometimes at the same time! still to this day i can only get aroused when i smell eggshell white. i'm fine with the new version of charlie's angels, i think its perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap from tv... i do it every night! anyway, the new charlie's angels have a few changes from the original, i think the new ones are sexy vampires or something. anyways, these ladies know how to kick ass. they are like the desperate housewives with guns and less botox. less botox for now- wait till season three!'
- chris hardwick stops in to help out with the tweets and emails.
- billy gardell

9-21-11

2011-10-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

+ 'you see the x-factor earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the x-factor, the new singing competition show with simon cowell and paula abdul. who says theres no original ideas in television? i havent seen it, but i've got it on the tivo so down tell me what paula abdul says. seriously, dont tell me because i woulnt be able to understand it. now the expression 'the x factor' refers to the unexplainable quality that makes someone special. the french would call it, for example, 'gene se qua'. the germans call it 'der poopin sphincter'. x factor the show is basically the karioke version of singing a popular song in front of judges. its completely different from american idol because... people thought american idol wouldnt survive without simon cowell, but it seems to be doing ok without him. not everyone is a fan of the x-factor show. this is true: elton john said that he would rather have his penis bitten off by a german shepherd than watch the x-factor. i'm not making that up, he actually said that! and i'm thinking 'elton, you dont have to choose one or the other, you can do both!' i've got a german shepherd that will do it and a jack russell that will nibble your balls at the same time!'
- james spader
- juno temple

9-20-11

2011-10-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

+ 'its a big day in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big day because its the first day of the new session of the united nations. now, for diplomats this is like the first day of school. all the big countries pick on the little countries, australia stuffs new zealand into a locker and stuff. 'get into there you little kiwi bastard!' 'how can you tell i'm a kiwi, our accent is so similar!' tomorrow at the u.n. though, the president of brazil will be the first woman in history to give the key note address. to mark the occasion, every world leader gets a free brazilian wax! too bad gaddafi isnt still in power, he could use one! you know muammar gaddafi today he broadcast an audio message saying that he's still in power, he's just going underground, its just a temporary setback. i'm like 'yeah sure', just like my local blockbuster video is 'temporarily' closing its doors. they are not coming back, dont bother returning your video! president obama addresses the general assembly tomorrow, he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the hell is happening over at netflix. your welcome five guys who know what the fuck i'm talking about...'

- harry connick jr.

- kathryn hahn

beatles tweet

2011-10-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

criag ferguson finally introduces a new email and twitter jingle- this one is in the style of 60's pop, borrowing heavily from the beatles look and sound. its in black and white and features craig as all four of the moptoped musicians! the big haired singer on guitar, a backup singer on the bass, a pipe smoking keyboardist, and the drummer with a massive handle bar mustache- all played by craig!

after the song craig comments 'i look forward to your tweets and emails that say 'no one in the beatles smoked a pipe!' thats right because it wasnt the beatles was it?!?'

9-19-11

2011-10-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

+ 'happy birthday to my buddy jimmy fallon', craig ferguson states, 'its hard to believe but he turns 55 years old today! ha ha! thats right fallon, the late night wars are back on! i'm kidding, happy birthday jimmy. its a big night of television tonight as well with 'two and a half men' with ashton kutcher, 'dancing with the stars' with chaz bono. i always get these two confused, ashton kutcher and chaz bono. one of them is married to cher, right? its a joke, i love cher, she's a national treasure. if you think two and half men and dancing with the stars is enough tv for one night, you are wrong, mister. cause there was also the premier of 'how i met your mother', or as arnold schwarzenegger calls it 'i nailed to maid'! also, the season premier of 'hawaii five-0' was on CBS, it was up against a show called 'the playboy club' on a different network. a network that is not my employer, so you can guess which show i'm going to be talking about- thats right, the playboy club! good old NBC has the playboy club. if you dont know, they were hugely popular years ago. not the playboy club, NBC.'

- keith olberman

- kelly macdonald

9-16-11

2011-10-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

+ 'its a great day to be in germany', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is the first day of octoberfest. so its september 16th is the first day of 'octoberfest'. nothing says 'problem drinking' like starting the octoberfest in the middle of september! its like if you are someone who loves octoberfest you are like 'i'm not waiting for october- i'm having octoberfest right now! labor day- octoberfest right now!' the festival is over three weeks long and some people go every day. every day! these people are called 'alcoholics'. during octoberfest the germans go wild and crazy, and by wild and crazy i mean one guy named fritz goes 'i am mildly amused, or this beer is making me feel rather pleasant'. octoberfest is in munich, thats kind of the epicenter. and its in the german state of bavaria in southern germany. i've been there and it was a surprise to me- its lovely. bavarian people are very nice and happy go lucky. thats kind of weird because nazism started in bavaria. they were like 'no, its not like that anymore. come on, you want to play hackie sack?' they have very strict rules in munich, for instance they only serve beer that was brewed inside the city limits. which, you know, thats pretty german, isnt it? have a purity test for the beer? 'is this beer completely german?' bavarian beer is strong though, its got about twice the alcohol content of american beers. the germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. thats why they go crazy for david hasselhoff.'

- james woods

9-15-11

2011-10-08T09:40:00.001-07:00

+ 'its a great day if you like the strange records', craig ferguson states, 'the new guinness book of world records is out today. i always wanted to get in it. some people have more than one title in the guinness book of records. for example, the man who holds the record for the worlds longest fingernails also holds the record for worlds most cautious masturbator. i actually have a friend in the guinness book of records, my friend regis philban. he holds the record for the person who has been on tv the longest! 15,662 hours! i cant imagine doing that many hours of television. but some nights here... holding on to a guinness record is difficult though, the average record only stands for about 13 months. its just the nature of the game. if you are the guy who can squirt milk 10 feet out of your eyes you know there's always someone younger and squirtier coming up after you. did you know that the guinness book of records was founded in ireland, it really was, in 1950. it was originally a way to set trivia based arguments in irish bars. you know, any irish bar i've ever been it though you cant go 'alright, calm down everyone, lets check the book to find out, hold your horses!'. before the book all they had to settle the arguments was the irish tradition of a broken bottle to the face!'

- sigourney weaver

> ted alexandro

+ today geoff became a man...

moulin rouge dancers

2011-09-30T14:23:00.011-07:00

'you know how when we were in paris a couple weeks ago, or a month ago, or two days ago, or depending if this is a rerun it could have been last year', craig ferguson begins, 'when we were in paris with the show, we were kind of like on vacation. you meet people, you bump into people and you say 'hey, if you are ever in l.a., come and look us up' because they arent going to look you up. well, when we were there, and when i say 'we', i mean me on my own wearing a raincoat. we went to the very famous moulin rouge, the place in france where the naked ladies dance! we said to the dancers while we were there we said that anytime they are in los angeles they could come on by. and the did.'

the dancers do a whole production of their show, but this time with no nudity...

9-14-11

2011-09-30T14:23:00.009-07:00

+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for scarlett johansson', criag ferguson shares, 'really? i dont know, if i woke up and was scarlett johansson i would be like 'yeah!!!'. scarlett johansson's phone was hacked and nude pictures of scarlett were leaked on the internet today. so, i'd like to take a moment to bid goodnight to any 18-34 year old males who havent heard about this. why 18 to 34 year olds? so guys who are 35 are like 'scarlett johansson? thats kids stuff, i'm not interested. i'm 35 now, i'm not interested in scarlett johansson...' also today, the show entertainment tonight premiered on this day in 1981. so in the show's honor we would like to look back at all the important stories it featured.' awkward silence... 'thats all of em!'

- danny devito

- olivia munn

unknown musician on craig

2011-09-30T14:23:00.007-07:00

criag ferguson often invites people from the audience to come up and chat with him during the first segment of the show before the monologue, usually it is attractive young ladies. well, this time he brought up two french girls and talked with them for a bit. he found out over the course of the conversation that one of the girls is a singer/songwriter: 'so, what are you doing in l.a. ladies?' craig asks.

'i'm a singer and songwriter' marine, the dark haired girl states.

'are you any good? do you want to be on the show? did you bring a guitar with you?' craig inquires.

'no i dont' she replies.

'well, thats going to get in the way then. you should be on this show! do you have a visa?'

'i dont, can i borrow yours? you have a visa to perform?''yes'

'yes'

'we should have her perform on the show! we'll get you on the show and you can sing! can you sing one of your own songs? that will be cheaper for us!' craig exclaims.

'i will, yes'

'oh, we will do it then! this will be great, then people will say 'this is where marine started, she started on that very show!' thats great!' craig gushes and asks the other girl 'do you sing too?'

'no, i dance.' the blond girl replies.

'you dance?!?' craig questions, looks to the camera, 'hey you, watch a couple commercials, daddy's busy...'

at the end of the show craig shares 'so here's the thing, at the start of the show we met two lovely french girls. one of them is the singer 'rookie'. she is going to sing us one of her songs. you agree now, in front of the entire country, that you are not going to charge us for this?'

'no' she states, and goes on to perform a song she wrote and plays the guitar.

check her out on twitter here!

9-13-11

2011-09-30T14:23:00.005-07:00

+ 'its a great day for us in television today', craig ferguson shares, 'when i say 'us in television' i mean other people. i'm not really in television, i'm just a creepy guy in a basement. its a great day for the world of daytime tv because anderson cooper's new show started today. this guy is on CNN, on 60 minutes, he's now on daytime tv- this guy is everywhere! he's like a male ryan seacrest! listen, if you had to pick a CNN reporter to host a daytime show, anderson cooper is the perfect choice. nobody wants to hear wolf blitzer talk about how to spice up your sex life- nobody except me! call me wolf, i'll give you a situation... in the ads all over town they are trying to lure us in with his beautiful dreamy blue eyes, but he is a serious journalist. he's been to places torn apart by violence: the middle east, bosnia, 'the view'- he's been all around! now, some people are saying that anderson could be the new oprah, and then these people are struck by lightning! dont you mess with my oprah! i think anderson will do great on daytime tv, good luck anderson! he's been there before, he's substituted for regis over 40 times. i've been on regis a few times as well. and i did his show!'

- lauren graham

= rookie

9-09-11

2011-09-30T14:23:00.003-07:00

+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie contagion. its about a terrible virus, millions are affected, their eyes rolling back in their head, its like a milder version of bieber fever. but i'm excited about this movie because its directed by steven soderburg, he's the guy who made ocean's eleven, which is a great movie. he's also the guy who made ocean's twelve, so it evens out... but, contagion has a lot of stars in it, matt damon's in it, marion cotillard, jude law, gwyneth paltrow, mirna lloyd, fatty arbuckle, everybody is in this movie! this movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the playboy mansion. you know, i've been to that mansion, i've seen that grotto- oh my lord! i thought it was a large turine of soup! you know what makes this movie different? they kill off a lot of stars. now, thats not a spoiler alert because its in the trailers and commercials. in the first ten minutes of contagion gwyneth paltrow dies, but i think thats just a way of getting people to go and see it.'

- alfred molina

- brie larson

9-08-11

2011-09-30T14:23:00.001-07:00

+ 'its a very iconic day in television history', craig ferguson shares, 'its on this day in 1966 that star trek first premiered. 45 years ago today americans gathered around the tv and asked 'is that guy wearing a toupee?' tonight, of course, opening night for NFL. i got together with all my buddies, turned on the big screen, settled down for the annual right of fall. thats right, its the start of fashion week today! 'are you ready for some fashion?!' its fashion week, it starts today and new york is cockahoop. if you dont know about fashion week, its like shark week but for gay dudes. not just gay dudes, but for anyone who likes clothes. its where all the top designers go to new york city to unveil their latest collections. clearly i am very into fashion. this look is called 'creepy uncle'. i dont dress like this all the time, when i go home i wear a hat... i hate shopping for clothes, they always look better on the mannequin. actually, those mannequins look pretty hot without their clothes. am i right, people who have sex with dolls? anyway, everything i learned about fashion, which is what i'm talking about, i learned from project runway. although i have to admit, they lost points with me, project runway, because they had kim kardashian on as a guest judge. what?!? she dresses like a vegas hooker! wait, thats mean, i apologize, i'm sorry vegas hookers... the very first fashion week ever was held in new york during world war 2. the designers wanted a showcase for their fashions because they thought they were getting less attention because of the war. see, now who says the fashion industry is self centered and shallow?'

- tim meadows

- bill bailey

9-07-11

2011-09-09T17:07:00.004-07:00

+ 'its a joyful day for me in l.a. and for all of us who are parents', craig ferguson shares, 'because the kids go back to school today! ha ha! yes! off you go! see you later kiddies! or for the children of l.a., 'adios, los ninos!' 'craig, are you implying...' yes, i am implying! anyway, this week, all around the country, millions of kids are back to the three 'r's, readin', writin', and ritalin! my kids actually love going to school, well not the youngest one, he's only eight months old. he's not at school yet, he works as a chimney sweep. yes, thats right, my eight month old son is a dickensian chimney sweep in los angeles of all places! its adorable, his first words were 'ello govna!' anyway, its back to school time, time to break out the ol' slate and ink well and leather book strap. this is how long ago its been since i was at school, i'm not kidding, i remember calculators came out while i was at school and the school had to decide if it was ok to use in class. i learned some very important skills on that calculator, like how to turn it upside down and spell 'boobs'. thats how i ended up here! before the calculator we used the standard mathematical tool in scotland, where i grew up, the potato.'

- james marsden

-> wolfgang puck