+ 'if you're at home watching this show', craig ferguson states, 'turn it off right now!  you aught to be ashamed of yourself! watching this crap while the wonders of the universe are right outside.  tonight there is a comet making the closest approach to earth.  now, is it really a comet or is it one of president obama's drones?  yes, your welcome fox news!  they said that the comet is visible to the naked eye.  what is that phrase?  my eyes are always naked- do people wear clothes on their eyes?!? 'ah, i cant see a fucking think!' its because you've got pants on your eyes!  there's a lot of people watching the comet tonight, i'm surprised that advertisers aren't sponsoring it- 'tonight's comet is brought to you by boner pills, for when you want to tap that assteroid!'  people all over the world are excited about the comet, even canadians are like 'oh, a comet, eh?'.'
- zach braff who stared in a unaired tv pilot with craig back in the 80's...
- gillian jacobs


+ 'for the president of venezuela who died yesterday', craig ferguson says, 'president obama said the united states supports the venezuelan people, sean penn said he lost a friend.  hugo chavez is being mourned all across south america.  if he were still here today, i'm sure he would say 'dont cry for me, argentina!'  chavez famously called george w bush the devil.  remember that? el diablo- the devil.  and chaney is like 'what am i, chopped liver?'  the people of venezuela arent sure who is going to replace hugo chavez.  cbs has already suggested ashton kutcher.  i have to admit, i dont know much about venezuela, i've never been there, in fact i've never been to south america.  brazil takes up almost half the space of south america, its kind of like texas, but with more exposed butt cheek.'
- christina hendricks
* jackie collins


+ 'its election day here in l.a.', craig ferguson states, 'we are going for a new mayor.  we have had the same mayor for the last 8 years, our mayor has been antonio villaraigosa, or as i call him 'the forbidden mayor' because he got caught having an affair with a reporter.  you know, at one point our mayor was seen hanging out with charlie sheen.  apparently they partied together a couple times.  everyone is like 'why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, a pillar of the community, why would he want to hang around with the mayor?' but he did!  it is time for some new leadership here in l.a., its been almost a decade since we had a new mayor.  it was starting to feel like one of those jobs for life, like supreme court judge, or host of the tonight show...  anyway, the front runner for mayor is a new guy named eric garcetti.  there have been negative ads about how garcetti is a hipster.  i'd quite like a hipster mayor- tax break on skinny jeans, free handle bar mustaches.  one of the other candidates is a gentleman named kevin james.  not the actor, this is kevin james a former lawyer and gay republican.  now, kevin james the actor and kevin james the politician are very different of course, one is the king of queens and the other...'
# larry king
- abbie cornish


+ 'it is a great day for the city of chicago which turns 176 today', craig ferguson informs, 'happy birthday, chicago!  chicago, of course, is world famous for its food.   i enjoy their deep dish pizza.  to me, deep dish pizza is like the soren kierkegaard of pizza.  soren kierkegaard, the danish philosopher.  he's deep, mouth watering, a little hammy, just like deep dish pizza!  chicago is well known for its sausage.  last time i was there i couldnt believe all the juicy sausage that was on sale for just a few bucks... or the food, the food was good too!  many people dont realize that chicago is the home of two major cookie companies: keebler and nabisco who are intense rivals.  no one will ever forget the great keebler elf massacre of 1984!  it was horrible, hats and pointy shoes everywhere!  those three elves found face down in a pool of their own fudge! police described the scene as 'delicious!'.'
- jeffrey dean morgan
- katheryn winnick


+ 'theres a big movie out today', craig ferguson states, 'the last exorcism part 2.  how can it be called the last exorcism part 2?  by definition a movie called 'last' cannot have a sequel.  unless, unless hollywood is run by money hungry liers!  no way...  in the first last exorcism part 1, a young girl gets possessed by satan and the priest performs an exorcism to try and cast it out.  i guess in part two the devil returns because... i dont know, he forgot his wallet?  'it was red!  with velcro!  my drivers license was in it and it had my blockbuster card in it.  i know it doesnt exist anymore, but...'  if the movie is a hit, its only a matter of time before we get a tv knock off of it.  what would it be called?  'how i possessed your mother',  the biggest loo-cifer',  'two broke ghouls'.  people think i got this show because i made a deal with the devil.  thats true!  nine years ago the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. well, i broke that deal and now i am condemned to this place for all eternity.'
- trace adkins
- naya rivera


+ 'it is a great day for pope denedict XVI', craig ferguson states, 'or should i say former pope benedict XVI, he's officially retired.  today he said goodbye, i heard that before he left he loaded up his giant hat with staplers and post-its...  i'm kidding!  its a joke!  he's the pope, he would never steal anything!  he actually had to turn in his giant hat, they retired it at the vatican, its up there in the rafters right next to gretsky's 99.  apparently there is some tension at the vatican because the pope wouldnt give him back his security deposit. there was some trouble because there was some glue on the wall from his def leopard posters.  no, the pope is german so he actually listens to david hasselhoff and kraftwork!  i've said this before and i do mean it, we shouldnt worry about the pope's retirement, when one pope leaves, another one always popes up!'
- david duchovny
- ashley madekwe


+ 'its not a great day for our friends in italy', craig ferguson explains, 'they just had the elections and there is no winner. it means for now there is no government in italy.  in today's vote in italy, not a single party won the majority.  so italy's italian will be one of three leaders.  it will either be silvio berlusconi, who is the italian bill clinton, really.  and there's a communist, and a stand up comedian!  sounds like the set up for a joke, doesnt it?  berlusconi used to be the prime minister, he is known for his sex crazed bunga bunga parties.  i dont think berlusconi has learned his lesson, because when he heard he would have to share power with two other partys, hes like 'great, i love-a threesomes!'  the outgoing prime minister is mario monte.  the man who got a lot of votes is a comedian named beppe grillo, he looks like the italian version of 'the most interesting man in the world'!  'i dont-a always eat-a ice cream, when when-a i do, its always tootsie frootsie ice-a cream!'.'
- tom lennon
- mike tyson


+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'seth macfarlane said there is no way he will host the oscars again.  he said its boring to host something more than once.  i've felt that way since the second show in 2005!  apparently after the oscars ben affleck got rid of his beard- yes, its true, he finally professed his love to matt damon!'
- sharon osbourne
- matthew lillard


+ 'well, the oscars are over', craig ferguson states, 'personally i'm glad that brave won for best animated feature because now i can say that i've been in an oscar winning movie!  and, i only had to do about two hours work- i didnt even have to wear pants!  take that, daniel day-lewis, you had to put on a hat- you loser!  anyway, with all the gossip and the fashion and popularity contests, the oscars seem just like high school. and just like high school, i wasnt there!  i didnt watch the oscars, i was traveling.  but i do have to admit, though, that i did watch some of the red carpet stuff, only about five or six hours of it.  i really enjoyed looking at the gorgeous dresses, the handbags, and the jewelry.  and when i was done picking out my outfit i turned on the tv!  you know who i feel bad for?  the actresses on the red carpet cause their clothes are judged by experts as they enter the building, which is no fair.  anne hathaway got a lot of flack because her dress, and i quote, 'made her nipples pop'.  why is that a problem?  isnt that what dresses are supposed to do?'
- keith olbermann
- coco rocha