1000 episodes!

wow, its been almost five years that this blog has been busy writing episode summaries and commenting on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  we have now written about or commented on our 1000th episode.  why, it feels like just yesterday that craig was first hired to take over the vacancy left by that last guy...  its been filled with some great times, a visit to the studio, and a really cool rattlesnake mug!  we are looking forward to the next thousand episodes, and we will be right here commenting on it all!


+ 'there's a lot of people here tonight', criag ferguson states, 'you know why?  cause its rainin'.  its raining in l.a. and everyone is like 'ahhhh!'  this is the big test cause this is our new studio.  in our old studio, when it rained, it leaked!  but look in here, in here everything is dry except certain areas- certain areas of my body where it leaks no matter what. everyone in l.a. goes nuts when it rains.  people are like 'its never been this bad before!'  people are taking shelter under meg ryan's lips!  the whole city smells like a wet kardashian!  its panic here- lindsey lohan went to prison just to stay dry!'
- kristin davis
- nat faxon


+ 'you know what today is all about?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the big power balls.  the big power ball drawing is tonight.  someone tonight may have already won 550 million big ones.  and some money!  i am excited to announce that we actually have the winning power ball numbers for you, so if you want to pull out your power ball tickets, play along at home, the winning number are:  not yours.  no one watching this show has won power ball, thats ridiculous   'we just won 550 million dollars, what do you want to do?'  'lets watch craig and his big gay robot pal!'  anyway, there are 42 states that participate in the power ball, not california though.  you cant do it in california.  if you wanted to do it, you would have to go to arizona, and i dont have my papers in order...  in california we have other ways to make a fortune:  you could play the lotto, you could play the mega millions, you could be the new kid on two and a half men...  anyway, the chances of winning the lotto are one in 175 million.  youve got a better chance of hooking up with a kardashian...  a much better chance!'
>lewis black
- karen gillan
= l.p.


+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig ferguson, 'because the kid actor who plays the kid, he's actually about 50, isnt he?  anyway,  the actor who plays the kid in two and a half men says that he is now cool and calm after the news yesterday, you know, where he appeared in a video trashing his own show.  i'm thinking, well you can be cool and calm because its not like they can replace him you with ashton kutcher, is it?  he's pretty good, kutcher, he could play both of them- 'hey, what are you doing?' 'i'm getting out of here!'  thats two and a half men with john cryer, ashton kutcher, and little ashton kutcher!  'yeah, i'm getting out of there!' 'you are a bad influence on me!'  'oh, what are you talking about?' 'gehehe!'  where's my fucking emmy?  who could replace that kid?  danny devito?  he's great and he's experienced- so cute!'
- james marsden
- daniela ruah
> cory kahaney


+ 'it is a great day for america's sweetheart justin bieber', craig ferguson says, 'even though he is in fact canadian.  he met with the canadian prime minister.  apparently he showed up wearing a backwards baseball cap and ratty overalls with the strap undone.  i dont know what justin was wearing... and then after that justin played the half time show at the canadian football championship and was booed by the crowd.  booed by canadians!  thats not easy!  they dont just throw boos around like they are candy!  its difficult to get that.  the canadians are the most polite society on earth, usually when a canadian is very very very angry at you they go 'cough cough'.'
- lily tomlin
- matthew gray gubler


+ 'its almost thanksgiving', craig ferguson remembers, 'in the midst of all the celebrating, we must remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  there was some sad news today, you might have heard about this, lance armstrong has just tested positive for tryptophan. here in hollywood, arnold schwarzanegger still insists on doing the stuffing. hence, he is alone on thanksgiving.  as for me i will be spending thanksgiving with my family, and by family, i of course mean my ferrets.  i actually love thanksgiving, i think its a uniquely american holiday.  i know canada has thanksgiving, but they have theirs in october.  can you believe that?  canadians gathered around their hockey pucks, eating round bacon and giving thanks for justin bieber.  but i associate thanksgiving with america because, this may surprise you, i'm not originally from here.  i am, thats right, i am mexican.  hola!  on thanksgiving i become super american, in fact i dont even eat turkey, i eat bald eagle!  you know who else loves thanksgiving in my house?  the dogs!  i have two dogs, a german shepherd and a jack russell.  i've got another spare dog, but i dont want to talk about that one, its a french bulldog.  thanksgiving the dogs get scraps from the table, the jack russell is irish, so he's like 'hiddly hiddly ho, now i'll get drunk.  woof.'  and the german shepherd is like 'sank you for the food.  now i will march up and down the backyard. voof'.'
- marion cotillard
kevin pollak


+ 'its bad news today if you liked magazines', craig ferguson informs, 'do you remember magazines? they are like a big papery bloggy thing with a staple in the middle.  like carny wilson!  its a sad day if you like magazines because newsweek announced they are going to stop publishing magazines.  anyway, newsweek is done with printing their magazine, they are going to transition to 'an all digital outlet'.  which is fancy computer speak for 'porn'.  the last paper copy of newsweek will be published in january.  so to prepare for this, old people are starting to scotch tape copies of newsweek on to their monitors.  i'm thinking this is the end of an era!  i mean, newsweek started in the 1930's.  things were different back then, america was stuck in an economic depression, the president was accused of being a free spending socialist.  oh, how times have changed...'
- regis philbin he even brings in a photo of himself to put on the mantel!
- katie aselton


+ 'this is a day i've been waiting for all year', criag ferguson admits, 'today is a very important day because twilight: breaking dawn part 2 comes out today!  i'm so sad though because they are saying that this is the last twilight movie ever.  i'm like 'no!'  so i'm happy but i'm sad, i dont know whether to rejoice or to cry.  its like if somebody said to me 'craig, you can have your own tv show, but its on cbs at 12:30 at night'.  stephanie meyer wrote the twilight books, the final book was split in to two movies.  now, sometimes a studio will do this just to make money, but with twilight it was different, there was just too much source material for one film!  ha ha!  i'm kidding, it was for the money.  so far the twilight movies have made two and a half billion dollars, thats almost as much money as mit romney spent to lose the election!  but the new movie will make a lot of money too.  i dont believe for one second that this will be the last one.  its not because this is what will happen:  the twi-hards are a lot of teenage girls and about ten years from now some of these teenage girls will be running movie studios in hollywood.  they will be like 'i think we should bring back the twilight movies for a new generation!'  and if they dont do that maybe president bieber will insist on it!'
- james spader
* cynthia littleton

richie sambora house band

for years craig ferguson has been complaining that all the other late night talk shows have their own house band but he doesnt.  a couple weeks ago he and geoff peterson were getting in to it again and craig suggested that they have richie sambora, the guitarist from bon jovi, be the house band.  as they were taking that idea and running with it, they decided that they wanted him to come, but not to play the guitar.  rather, richie would come and play a tiny harp and bongos naked!  recently richie actually stopped by the show to try to make it happen for real!
'i'm very excited!  geoff, remember i was saying that i wanted a house band?' craig asks.
'richie sambora' geoff responds.
'i said i wanted richie sambora- guess who's here?!?'  craig questions, just as richie sambora comes walking out on stage!
'i heard you were talking about me on the show', richie says.
'i was talking about you a little bit', craig admits, 'i thought it would be great if you would be our house band on the show but not necessarily playing the guitar.  just you, naked, playing a tiny little harp!'
'i really love the show', richie responds, 'but i'm not going to be naked playing the harp.  but i'll tell ya what, as long as you let me play some of my songs, i'd be fine with that!'
turns out they are actually going to make it happen!  richie sambora will be the late late show house band for a week starting on december 3!


+ craig starts off the show with a little bit of poetry!  he reads 'a dream' from edger allen poe.
+ 'its the great american smoke-out', craig ferguson informs, 'i think we are supposed to shame people into not smoking.  i'm not going to do that.  i used to smoke and i had a good excuse to start:  i lived in scotland.  i quit smoking cigarettes about 15 years ago, i still smoke a little meth, but...   no, i dont smoke anything.  the only time you will see me light up is when there's a sale at hot topic!  sometimes though i do get a craving and people say 'hey craig, try one of those e-cigarettes' and i'm like 'no thanks!' thats like drinking 'near beer'.  people have offered me near beer but it has alcohol in it!  if i drink near beer i'll move on to near whiskey, i'll end up doing a near line of coke and i'll end up in near jail with a near sore ass!'
- max greenfield
- lucy punch


+ 'you know who's birthday it is today?' criag ferguson questions, 'happy birthday to his royal highness prince charles, who is 64 today.  he didnt want any celebrations, just a quiet day silently plotting the death of his mother.  prince charles is spending his birthday in new zeeland, which is part of his 'places we used to own' tour.  it hasnt been an easy trip, a lot of people in new zeeland have been mistaking him for gollom from lord of the rings.  'hey mate, have you found your precious?'  if you want to send prince charles a birthday card, remember to use his official title which is: charles, prince of wales, duke of cornwall, duke of rosly, duke of earle, kings of leon, queens of the stone age, prince of persia, sons of anarchy.  it would be a pain in the ass to have a name that long- its really hard on the girl who's writing names on the cups at starbucks.  anyway, happy birthday, prince charles.  i think prince charles should give his son prince william a lesson in manners.  its been almost a year since he was married to princess kiki wigglesworth and i have still yet to receive the thank you for my gift.  slap-chops aint cheep, ya royal bastard!'
- billy crystal
- berenice marlohe


+ 'its a great day if you like video games', criag ferguson shares, 'today was the release of call of duty: black ops 2.  you know i love the video games!  i saw people camped out last night waiting for it, i thought it was some kind of 'occupy toys r us' or something like that.  and it was right next to the line for twilight.  the gamer people and the twilight people- there was nearly a dance off!  anyway, the video game takes place in the year 2025, the us is feuding with china, drug cartels threaten our shores, but the most disturbing part about this video game, and this is true, the secretary of defense character is portrayed by david patraeus.  its true, i'm not making it up.  patraeus gave his permission a couple of hears ago, for more than this it turned out, but it really is him!  even though general patraeus is the secretary of defense he's not in the game very much, he spends most of his time in the hotel room getting debriefed!'
* j r martinez
= toby keith


+ dj qualls stops by to have a chat during the opening segment.
+ 'its a tricky day for general david patraeus', criag ferguson states, 'the cia director has resigned.  the fbi caught him having an affair with his biographer.  groping civilians on the government dime, general patraeus?  you work for the cia, not the tsa!  i think there is a bit of a double standard here, the head of the cia gets caught having sex and he has to resign, meanwhile a british special agent has sex with a bunch of women and makes 90 million at the box office.  where's the justice here?  no one knows what general patraeus will do next, all i know is that he's in for a pretty awkward thanksgiving- 'can you pass the gravy?'  'why dont you get your slut to pass the gravy!'.  'craig, its almost as if youve been down this kind of road yourself'.  mmhmm!  looking back on it, all the signs were there: paula broadwell's biography about patraeus is called 'all in'.  i dont think i could come up with anything better!  can we come up with any better double entendre for a book title about the general?  'embedded',  'call of booty',  'honorable discharge', 'weapon of ass destruction'.  anyway, general patraeus spend the weekend cleaning out his office, you know, putting his junk in a box...'
dave attell
= nikki reed


uh oh! its lights out again!  i thought this problem was fixed when they moved to the new studio?  well, so did craig...
+ 'this creepy foreign gentleman in the dark dark studio', craig ferguson begins, 'used to live in another studio.  when it rained there was a hole in the roof, and there were power outages all the time.  then one day cbs gave him a new shiney studio and they said 'dont worry, there will never be any power outages in the new studio..'  here's the deal, the power has apparently been going off and on.  we think we have enough power for the monologue, but to be honest with you, i dont know if its worth turning the lights on for...  'so what your saying is that the rest of the show is going to be in this creepy twilight thing?'  hey, it worked for kristen stewart!'
- eric idle talks and sings
- emily vancamp


+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i am addicted to shopping', craig ferguson admits, 'today walmart announced their black friday deals.  i'm still hung over from the election, so whats the cure?  the christmas shopping season is finally upon us!  hurray!  black friday is the day after thanksgiving, its the day you find all the real bargains   it works on our innate desire to save money and our innate desire to get the hell away from your family after thanksgiving!  most black friday items are geared toward young people, but theres stuff for people my age too.  for example, kmart is running a deal on pants that come up to your armpits.  'ooh, you cant get these at hot topic!'  this year some big retail outlets are starting their sales on thanksgiving night, which wont work for me, i spend every thanksgiving night washing the gravy out of my eyebrows.  thats what happens when you go bobbin' for giblets!'
- ll cool j
- naomie harris
= sutton foster


+ 'finally the residents of boulder and seattle can enjoy their first taste of marijuana ', craig ferguson states, 'the governor of colorado made a speech last night reminding citizens that smoking weed is still against federal law.  i'm not making this up, and i quote, 'do not break out the cheetos and goldfish too quickly'.  stoners are like 'dude, put them away, the governor can see us on tv!'  here in l.a. we had some local things on the ballot.  we had some strange measures.  one of them was about whether to require condoms in pornography, and it passed pretty easily.  voters realized that making porn stars use condoms doesnt just help the porn stars, but it helps charlie sheen!  the porn stars are not happy about the ballot, they are not going to take this sitting down, maybe over the chair, but not sitting down...'
- matthew perry
- rza


+ 'the election is almost over', craig ferguson informs, 'so here we are again, the election has come down to undecided voters.  so if you are still undecided: what the fuck is wrong with you?!?  whats wrong with you?!?  seriously!  these guys have spend billions laying out totally different visions for our future, and you still havent made your mind up?!?  whats it going to take?!?  there's not a bikini competition... theres not a bikini competition, is there?  anyway, personally cant wait to say goodbye to the election, and also to people who complain that the election has gone on too long.  oh wait, thats me.  here in california we get off pretty easy, but for those who live in swing states, i am terribly sorry.  your airwaves have been so clogged with negative ads you'll be looking forward to seeing regular ads- seeing an ad for piece of crap like the slap-chop will be like a breath of fresh air!'
+ larry king's presidential election history
= tenacious d
- sarah shahi


+ 'it is, of course, friday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'its a great day if you like kung fu cause the movie i've been waiting for is coming out: the man with the iron fists.  its got russell crow in this movie,  i cant tell you if its fat russell crow or this russell crow, and frankly to me it doesnt matter.  russell crow doesnt need nunchucks or a sword, he can take you out with a phone!  in this movie he plays a character in the movie called jack knife cause he uses a jackknife in battle.  its a lethal fighting name, its more lethal than his side kick fred bedazzler.  i cant imagine though, having that happen, its called 'man with the iron fists', can you imagine having fists made of iron?  it would be kind of a mixed bag, it would be good when you are fighting, but what about when its... other things?  what about when its time to have a little self massage?  it would be like having sex with a volvo!'
- michael sheen
thomas dale


+ 'the big news in hollywood today', craig ferguson shares, 'disney has bought the rights to the star wars movies for four billion dollars!  after the deal was signed, goofy turned to r2d2 and said 'guhyuck, your my robot now, bitch!'  four billion dollars!  thats a lot of money!  now, george lucas was already loaded, but now he's got more money than cher has faces.  the first thing disney announced after the deal was done is that they are making a new star wars trilogy.  there's going to be more, the new one is going to be released in 2015.  so let me be the first to congratulate the star wars fans: live long and prosper!'
- joel mchale
-> alton brown


+ 'i had a very tough time coming up with a halloween costume idea', craig ferguson states, 'eventually i settled.  one of my ideas was a very obvious choice, i was going to go out as the australian prime minister julia gillard.  i know what you are thinking, 'come on craig, everyone goes out as the australian prime minister!  you just wanted an excuse to put on a tight dress and a wig and boobies'  i dont need an excuse for that!  now here's the thing, i would go as the australian prime minister because last week i had a dream where i was the australian prime minister, i woke up and it stayed with me.  for a minute i had to remember i wasnt! i mean, cause i was like 'alright, i have to get that bill about kangaroos through parliament.
- rashida jones
- david morrissey


+ 'its a great day for america everybody', criag ferguson exclaims, 'i dont suppose its great, but its getting a little better.  the storm is starting to pass the east coast.  the people are starting the long process of cleaning up.  for those on the east coast, help is on the way.  finally today we heard that pippa middleton's new book is coming out.  and its about throwing parties!  you've got to ask yourself, shouldnt you cancel the party book?  hurricane sandy is all over the east coast and they are like 'oh well, people will want a book about parties!'  whenever i plan a party i always ask 'wwpd'?  what would pippa do?  finally i have an answer, and pippa's book is called 'celebrate: a year of festivities for family and friends, how to put on a proper british party'.  this is bad timing for a book about throwing parties, especially from someone so close to the royal family.  'here's how to throw a royal party:  have your servants do stuff, and then enjoy the party!'  to be fair though, pippa's family made their fortune making party supplies.  but she is only famous because of her brother-in-law, prince william.  her sister is, whats her name, kate wigglesworth.  and her brother-in-law is prince harry, he's writing a book too, its not about parties, its more about balls.'
- jay leno


+ 'you know what i did today?' craig ferguson asks, 'i got a flu shot.  i get one every year, thats how i roll.  its a good idea to get a flu shot right now because we are officially entering cold and flu season.  cold and flu season is especially problematic here in hollywood because its also oscar season!  the oscar season means one thing: ass kissing- and that leads directly to influenza!  so remember this, hollywood people, when you are kissing someone's ass, you are also kissing the ass of everyone else who's ass they have already kissed.  its the circle of ass kissing.  doctors say that now is the best time to get a flu shot because it takes a couple weeks to get working, and you want it working before thanksgiving.  cause thats when everyone travels, people get on airplanes, they spread germs all over the country faster than tabloids spread rumors about me and katie curic...'
- tom hanks
> phil hanley


+ 'i'm going to see cloud atlas over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'tom hanks is on the show on monday!  i'm going to ask him about his other movie, you know, that one where he spends the whole time talking to that leathery deflated ball.  you know... meg ryan.  ahh!  its a joke! its a joke!  i love her, please dont think i'm having a celebrity feud with meg ryan, i'm not.  i adore meg ryan, she's had a bit of work done, but i love her.  who doesn't like meg ryan?  al quida, thats who.  anyway, i'm talking about tom hanks.  looking back at his movies i see a pattern  in toy story he played the cowboy, in saving private ryan he played the soldier, in cast away he played the shirtless hairy dude.  if he can play a native american he will have achieved something called 'the village people grand slam'!'
+ a special message from president bill clinton
- amanda peet
- john cho


+ eddie izzard drops by to plug his new show and do some role playing with craig.
+ 'its a great day for barak obama', craig ferguson states, 'because today colon powell endorsed obama for president.  the news surprised many elderly americans who thought they were the same person.  'craig, what are you saying?' you know what i'm saying...  there is a lot going on today, but to me there's only one real story today, thats because its day two of my feud with katie curic.  i talked about this last night, but a tabloid magazine that shall remain nameless, the star, says that i am angry with katie curic and it implies we had a 'thing'.  its written down, so it must be true!  i'm still shaking from this article, and also decades of substance abuse.  lets pretend its about the article...  it says that i am seething with jealousy over katie's ratings.  thats ridiculous, i'm not jealous of her ratings, i'm jealous of her legs!  now, normally i dont read the tabloids of course, i prefer to get my celebrity news the old fashioned way: peeping through their windows!  i actually called katie today to make sure everything was cool.  i laughed at her response, she said 'craig who? how did you get this number?'  i'm going to say something controversial now: a lot of the stuff in the tabloids is made up.  except the astrology section, thats real...'
- michael chiklis
- maggie grace