* neil gaiman the monologe was skipped tonight due to the really long chat with neil- and it was worth it!
+ 'oh i'm so glad you cant sleep again!' craig ferguson exclaims to his late night viewers, 'i'm so glad you are here because its a very special night tonight. we are very excited here because, as you know, i believe love all the people no matter their sexual preference or even if they come from austraila. we are very excited tonight because in lesbian row, which is a small area of the audience here where we keep specifically for, you know, lesbians, we have australian lesbians! arent they adorable? the thing is, people often say to me 'craig, whats the difference between an australian lesbian and your regular old lesbians?' its to do with the hemispheres and the way the earth is. because austrailan lesbians if you go down there and watch, they go around a different way! yes, in the northern hemisphere where north america is, gravity makes lesbians and many other people go around a certain way, and in the south they go around a different way. i made that up. there's absolutely no difference other than i have a noticeable lack of material and it was something to talk about.'
+ 'its a great day for the fbi, they are still happy about the arrest of whitey bulger', craig ferguson states, 'its bulger right? bulger. bulger! wha- i just noticed that's a bit rude! whitey bulger! thats like 'are you excited to see me or are you just whitey bulger?' ha ha ha! i bet nobody ever said that to him! anyway, he is a notorious boston mobster, he was hiding in plain sight here in santa monica. we've got a picture of his mugshot when he was arrested and he's still wearing his had for the picture. thats when you know somebody's a bad ass- when the cops dont make him take his hat off! 'can you take your hat off?' 'no!'. or what probably happened is that he was arrested and he was wearing a really big hat, he took that one off and there was another hat! 'oh, we better not ask him to take his second hat off, he got so angery with the first hat!' he was on the fbi's most wanted list for 50 years, he's 81 years old now and can face life in prison. his capture has captured people's imaginations. its an amazing story, his younger brother billy was a politician, he was president of the mass. state senate. so, one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other was a mobster! you know, some people in boston think of whitey bulger as a sort of folk hero, a modern day robin hood. now robin hood, as we all know, stole from the rich and gave to the poor. whitey bulger stole from the rich and gave beatings to everyone who got in his way while flooding his home town with heroin. about the same.'
+ 'its friday, its another big movie day', craig feguson states, 'what movie opens today? well, if you are looking for movie tips then you have come to the right place, who better to give movie tips than to ask a man who goes to see only one movie a year. or how ever often they release a new twilight movie! anyway, the movie opening today is not about a superhero. what?!? isnt it summer? arent we supposed to get a superhero movie every friday? i guess we will have to wait a whole week until the green lantern opens. i am officially sick of superhero movies, i dont need to see one anymore. i feel the same way about inspirational posters of kitties just hanging on to things. sometimes i just want that stupid kitty to fall. there, i said it! let go, kitty, what the point? anyway, so i'm glad the movie opening this weekend isnt about superheroes. its called 'super 8' and its about serious issues we can all relate to, like a big monster from another planet goes nuts and blows stuff up. you know whats weird about this movie? its set in a town that freaks out when its over run by aliens, and the town is not located in arizona!'
- kevin bacon winner of the coveted golden harmonica!
- kevin bacon winner of the coveted golden harmonica!
+ 'today is a very important day', craig ferguson announces, 'i look forward to this day all year. its my favorite thursday. today is, and i'm not kidding, its donald duck day. this is the day the mighty disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite donald. sorry, donald trump. donald duck and donald trump are very different of course, one is a noisy cartoon character with a feathery ass who is a pompous idiot that no one can understand, and the other one is donald duck. wait a minute, donald trump has a feathery ass? maybe, i dont know. do you want to check? neither do i, i guess this will remain a mystery. if you are still confused by what i'm talking about, donald duck is the one who has a better chance of being president. donald duck is famous for walking around in a little sailor hat and no pants. i'm kind of famous for that too... when he does it its adorable, but when i do it i get arrested!'
+ 'its quite a sad day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the l.a. police commission has voted to get rid of the red light traffic cameras. which is very upsetting to me cause i love posing for them. every time i was near the intersection i would suck in my cheeks and make a pouty face, and then i would rear end somebody. and then i would get in my car. quite, you will wake up the censor... running the red light is one of the stupidest things you could ever do. i'm all for putting in cameras if they stop people from doing it, but they are controversial, you see. look, i know an easy way to reduce traffic accidents, heres what we do: cancel the show 'project runway' then we wont all be in such a hurry to get home to see it! oh, just me then? hundreds of cities in america use the red light traffic cameras but only here in l.a. we voted to take them down. in case you needed a reminder , we are not like the rest of the country. we dont need your stinkin traffic cameras just like we dont need your clean air, your human decency, or your real human breasts. we dont need any of that here! thats not a lie...'
+ 'the 2012 presidential race is heating up', craig ferguson shares, 'the first major nation wide pole is out today. it has mit romney ahead of barak obama. but lets be honest, none of them are as popular as anthony wiener's weiner. yet another tough day for new york's most penisy congressman. the list of women who got sexy pics from anthony weiner keeps growing. as of right now its a porn star, a single mom from texas, a black jack dealer, and a student from seatle. i'm like, is this a sex scandle or the next cast of survivor? today the porn star in question, apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent, but she refused. good! i'd hate to think that a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a congressman. but i have to ask, what kind of world are we living in when a porn star makes weiners go down? its reverse world!'
is craig taking 'the late late show with craig ferguson' on the road? you bet! here's what he said recently on the show: 'i've had an idea. sometimes people come up to me and say 'craig, do you ever get bored coming out and doing the same thing night after night in the dimly lit studio?' yeah. cause then they say 'cause we get bored with you doing the same thing night after night after night'. so i said alright, i've got an idea. you know how proper talk shows go on the road and have like 'a week of shows from san francisco' or 'a week of shows from chicago' and they say 'yea', well i want to do a week of shows from another town. and they go 'well, we cant afford that'. well what can you afford? 'well, you and the robot and one other person can fly to a town of your choice. coach.' so thats what we are going to do. i'm going to do a week of shows, we are going to film the next week, i'm going to film a week of shows from paris france! so yeah, we are going to paris france! me, my robot, and my best girl by my side. well, best girl on the show, not my wife. kristin bell is coming with me. me, kristin bell, and geoff are going to paris to do a week of shows! yeah!'
they wont be broadcast until the first week of august though, so we will just have to be patient!
+ 'it is a great day if you like words', craig ferguson shares, 'i do like words, they call me a wordophile. i use 20 words a day. just hours ago the oxford enlgish dictionary announced which new words will be in next year's dictionary. its just like when they reveal next season's line up for dancing with the stars, except its for people who can read. not surprisingly, most of the new words deal with technology. you know, permalink, zomg, twittersphere. i dont know if thats a good idea, to add words like that to a dictionary. it just makes it more annoying to play scrabble with a teenager. i cant find teenagers who will play scrabble with me anyway. damn you 'to catch a predator'!'
+ 'this weekend dublin is hosting the world atheist convention', craig ferguson states, 'wait a minute, 'craig, are you advocating the rejection of belief in the existence of deities?' no, so dont write to me angry letters people of all religions. if you must sent them, send them to andy rooney at cbs... i'm sure this aithiest convention will be a bunch of laughs, it'll be hilarious. i just think its weird that they are having it in dublin ireland, its not exactly the place i would choose to introduce alternative religious beliefs. trust me, i know what i'm talking about here! dublin is, of course, home to the world famous guinness brewery. and guinness was something i used to believe in very religiously, in fact it still holds a somewhat mystical appeal to me. an atheist convention is a mass gathering of people who could be described as godless. or as we call it in hollywood: hollywood. i'm guessing you dont get a lot of advertisers for the world atheist convention. 'brought to you by starbucks, there's no afterlife so just stay awake all the time'. now listen, i am not an atheist. i know some people who are, its ok, we live in america, we can believe what ever we want. but as for me, i'll tell you what i believe: children are the future. teach them well and let them lead the way. show them all the beauty they possess inside. give them a sense of pride. and smoke crack. cbs cares.'
+ 'it is a great day for america unless you like junkfood', craig ferguson shares, 'and by you i mean me. the usda today, which stands for united states something or other... anyway today the usda introduced a new way to make people feel bad about the way they eat, its called the food plate. it replaces the old food pyramid which some found confusing. after a few years of following that many people ended up being shaped like pyramids! anyway the idea of a food pyramid originated in sweden in the 1970's. it originally was a diet consisting of tiny meatballs and group sex. it was introduced to america in 1992. its better than what i ate growing up, there were only two food groups in scotland when i was a kid: fried and hot. because aparently the fried food wasnt hot? anyway, i know the government means well with their spiffy new food plate, i know they are just trying to provide a friendly reminder that we can all eat better. so its in that spirit of generosity that i would like to say to you: screw you, government! what happens if i dont eat my veggies, are you going to come to my house and spank me? cause i'm not eating them if you are! am i the only one who thinks the government might have bigger problems, i dont know, like two wars, a record national deficit, soaring gas prices, crushing unemployment. you telling me that politicians are so bored theyve got nothing better to do than tell me what to eat and tweet pictures of their damn penises?!?'
- dick van dyke
- dick van dyke
+ 'its not a great day for one amercian: new york congressman anthony wiener', craig ferguson states, 'it kind of writes itself, doesnt it? i call him tony wiener, not to be confused with nathan lane, who is a tony winner. it turns out that wiener is in a bit of hot water. some times thats very pleasant, of course, but not this time... congressman wiener's twitter account was hacked allegedly, and someone texted a picture of his junior senator to a college girl. now this is good news for me because now i can get on the cbs computer and type in wiener photos at work and not get fired! wiener photos, 'i'm working!' congressman wiener will not say that the photograph is not of him, but he does say that it may have been digitally manipulated... i cant believe the media is making such a big deal out of this little thing... or not so little. the congressman thinks that the hackers are targeting him because of his last name: wiener. which is very bad news for congressman harry vagina.'
+ 'i hope you had a nice weekend', craig ferguson states, 'i was in canada where it is still snowing and will be until july. canada was beautiful, i was there doing some stand-up shows and i was walking around the casino and the whole place was filled with muscley people in really buff tight t shirts. i'm like 'is this canada or heaven?' i said to a big muscley dude 'whats going on? is it gay pride or something?' and he said 'no, its a body building contest'. tomato tomah-to... anyway, the body building competitions are different in canada, instead of rubbing oil over their muscles they spread mapel syrup. its weird, but delicious. some of these body builders looked like they could crush my head between their man boobs... no matter how much i offered to pay them. one of them recognized me and said 'hey, you better not make fun of us in your monologue, eh.' and i'm like 'of course not sir, i would never do that. i give you my word'. but now i am safely 2000 miles away... some of these people were pretty freaky looking. i call them beef monsters, crunch monkeys, muscle crows. they were walking around all top heavy and they are all deep orange! apparently they think the spray tan helps define their muscles under the stage lights, but it looks really wierd when they are just walking around. their whole body shade looked like a cross between cheetos and snookie! i could never have a massive ripped body myself, jazzercise only gets you so far...'
+ 'its memorial day where we honor the great men and women who defend our country,' craig announces, 'thank you. and we celebrate their service with sales on mattresses! all across the country today its a great day to get a deal on a mattress. 'america's military is as tough as nails, unlike our mattresses!' the car dealerships also have a memorial day sale, they bring out the heavy artillery: theyve got those blowey guys out front doing their thing. on memorial day weekend they put extra blow in the blowey guys, did you know that? by the way, theres a place on hollywood boulevard where theyve got blowey guys and mattresses, but its not a mattress store... here at cbs the network has its annual memorial day tradition of not giving me the day off. thats right, the network motto is 'cbs cares... about making the immigrant work on the holidays'. i wish there were some way to prerecord the show so i wouldnt have to come in on memorial day. aw, it would never work! most people had a three day weekend. the only thing better than that is a four day weekend. unfortunately theres only one four day weekend a year, thats thanksgiving. stupid pilgrims. would it have killed you to invite the indians over for dinner twice in the same year?'
craig ferguson has just introduced the latest dancing crazy to sweep the country! while talking with his robot skeleton sidekick geoff peterson, craig asked 'hey, want to practice our dance so the kids can all go out to the clubs, in their region, and do it?' he and geoff then proceed to teach the dance to the audience: put your right hand in, put it up and down, then turn your head back and forth and chomp your jaw up and down! man, this is going to be a huge hit!
+ 'finally, its memorial day weekend. i'm very excited', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie hangover part 2 is coming out today. its the sequel to the first hangover movie, which was a huge hit. it made household names out of the bird looking guy, the fat guy with the beard, and the other guy who lost his tooth- these are household names! the ads for the hangover 2 are everywhere! youve got to hand it to warner brothers, they came up with a fantastic marketing campaign. theyve done a great job, what they did was they watched what cbs does for this show and did the complete opposite of that. where as for the hangover they put up giant billboards, cbs go 'i didnt know we had a guy on after dave. did you know we have a guy on after dave?'. anyway, the hangover part 2 is already causing a great deal of controversy. one character gets a face tattoo like mike tyson. so mike tyson's tattoo artist is suing warner brothers because they ripped off his design and i think he's got a point. thats right, i am taking the side of an unknown tattoo artist against hollywood's biggest studio and its army of lawyers. wait, no i'm not. i just thought of that, thats a stupid thing to do. sorry tattoo guy, but i still have dreams of getting into show business some day. one day they are going to make a biopic of liza minelli and i'm going to be there!'
carrot top was recently on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' and while doing his prop comedy one of his props broke! after the show he must have given the broken tiny disco ball to craig, because now craig has it featured on his desk! at the end of each guest craig has been prone to ask the guest how they would like to end their interview: awkward pause, or play the mouth organ. now with this tiny disco ball he has opened up a third option: touch my glittery ball! when a guest takes that option he pulls it over, set on its super fancy stand (a roll of electrical tape), and tells them: 'mr. bus driver, touch my glittery ball!' its a funny bit, but craig himself isnt too sure about it, often informing the guest that the kinks havent really been worked out yet, but still giving them the option to touch it. well, lets see where this third option goes and if craig can figure out a way to touch his glittery ball!
Labels: on criag's desk
+ 'its a great day for scotty mcreary, the new winner of american idol', craig ferguson shares, 'if you havent seen scotty, hes a country singer with a really deep voice, he's very young though. the ladies love scotty. the female voters when cockahoop over his cute southern charm and his accent and his loveliness. but remember, dont forget girls, you felt the same way about clay aiken... both of the finalists of american idol this year are country singers and i like that. i've always been a fan of the country music, its very popular in scotland. it resonates with scottish people with the 'gettin' drunk, gettin' yer heart broke, and then gettin' drunk again'. people talk about rap music is violent, but country music is very violent, the great johnny cash sang a song about shooting a man just to watch him die, carrie underwood had that beating the crap out of her boyfriend's car, then the guy who sang 'take this job and shove it' and i've got a pretty good idea where he had in mind! country music is centralized in nashville. i've been to nashville, while i was there i really wanted a cowboy hat. so i found a hat store and got a snake skin cowboy hat. dont send me letters, peta, it was artificial snake skin, it was fake. i like my cowboy hats like i like my boobies: i like em big and fake and pushed down over my eyes...'
+ 'its not such a great day for fans of the oprah show', craig ferguson laments, 'dont worry though, oprah's show will be in reruns until september, and then she will be replaced by ashton kutcher. see what i did there? this really is the end of an era, what are we going to do without oprah? a world with out oprah is like a donut without jelly, like a kardashian without back hair. its just not something you can think of! i like to think oprah is not really retired, she's a bit like batman, you can shine a light up into the sky and she will reappear when we need her most. like when we cant think of what to read. i think the reason that the oprah show was so popular was cause she allowed her audience to see her struggles. we all know she struggled with her weight, she was skinny, then she got heavy, they she was skinny again. then her financial struggles- she was rich, then she was richer, now she's richest. and earlier this year we learned that oprah has a secret sister. that has to be amazing, to find out you are oprah's long lost sister. i would change my name right away to kaching! 'have you met my sister kaching winfrey?' 'hi, where's my car?' its not an exaggeration to say that oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike arnold schwarzzenegger, she didnt leave them pregnant! good job, oprah!'
= oh land
+ 'tonight was the big 'dancing with the stars' season finale', craig ferguson states, 'i havent watched it yet because i've dvr'ed it, so no spoilers anyone! i love that show 'dancing with the stars', you know why? because i love what you love, america. i'm a whore, but a cheerful and enthusiastic whore! i've actually never seen dancing with the stars, not even for five minutes, and i'll tell you why: i'm afraid to watch. i happen to have an addictive personality. i see a booty shaking and i'm going to have to shake mine too, and once my booty starts shaking it aint stopping for anyone, bitch! once i start i dont stop until i'm done. or until you're done... nah, i dont care if you are done... the real reason dancing with the stars is such a hit is because your whole family can watch it together. of course, it helps if your whole family is old ladies and gay dudes... tonight wasnt just the season finale of dancing with the stars, it was also the season finale of 'glee'. tonight is the one night in a year you can get into any restaruant in west hollywood- you can walk right in to any of them, their empty! its like a ghost town. i cant imagine going on dancing with the stars. well, i can imagine it and its not pretty. it would be a lot of work and i hate to be critiqued about my dancing, i dont need judges. i can always figure out if ive danced well by counting the money i find in my thong. although, some of those coins are lumpy. then again, so am i!'
+ 'president obama just kicked off a six day european tour', craig ferguson states, 'which is actually quite terrifying- this means joe biden is in charge! anyway, today the president when to ireland, he has roots there. my father's mother was from donegal actually. i've never been, i should visit. ireland is pretty close to where i'm from. now ireland was being called the celtic tiger because of its huge economic growth in the 1990's, but recently ireland had to be bailed out to the tune of one hundred million dollars. granted, most of that was for an outstanding bar tab, but still! ireland got most of that cash from the imf, but that was before the imf had to spend most of that money on bail money. do you know that percentage wise, there are more people with red hair in ireland than anywhere else in the world. i'm glad i dont have red hair, especially... downstairs... it would look like my penis was wearing a clown wig. again. 'who wants to go to the circus?' no offense to carrot top who is on the show tomorrow night...'
+ 'we are live, of course, so officially its may the 21st', craig ferguson admits, 'so, i know what you are thinking, 'today is a big day', and you are right because youve seen the billboards, they are all over the country. they say 'judgement day, may the 21st'. well well. i hope its not judgement day, it would completely ruin our summer! think of all the things we would miss, like the hangover 2. if this is the last day on earth this could be the last tv show you'd see, so why dont you put in a dvd or something. on you go, apparently i wont be here when you get back... i'm going to go out on a limb here and say something controversial: today is not judgement day. you know whats going to happen today? i'm not going to say nothing, stuff will happen today but it wont be the end of days. i keep emergency food just in case, enough for me and my ferrets. i'm just kidding, i dont keep emergency food for my ferrets- i breast feed them! you know the guy who paid for all these billboards is a very religious man, a very successful religious broadcaster. he thinks today is going to be the big day because he added up a bunch of numbers and came up with may the 21st. its very complicated, so you know what he's going to do on sunday is 'oh, um... i forgot to carry the seven...' the other thing you should know about this guy is that twenty years ago, i'm not kidding ya, he wrote a book called '1994' about the end of the world. he predicted that the world would end in september of 1994. his record is a little patchy in this department'.