+ 'there's a lot of bruhahaing going on at the secret service', craig ferguson shares, 'the officials had to delete a tweet from the official secret service twitter account cause they made fun of fox news. i'm like, knock it off secret service! thats my job! i dont go around talking into my hand, doing courageous stuff, and helping people do i?!? well, you knock off making fun of... yes. i just realized i was yelling at the secret service. not that smart. what did the tweet say? it said 'had to monitor fox for a story. cant. deal. with. the. blathering'. not that bad, really, blathering. people say that on twitter about this show, and that person is me. i understand that the secret service wants to appear impartial, but is anyone really offended here that fox news is described as blather? they are a 24 hour cable channel, blather is what they do. fox news does right wing blather, msnbc does left wing blather, the e channel does kardshian blather, cinemax does boobie blather, nbc's got leno blather... i think i would be a good secret service agent, i could go undercover and no one would discover my secret identity. because, years ago, i accidentally burned off my finger prints. it was with a curling iron. i thought my downstairs hair wasnt curly enough, so i tried to fix it. i had to wait until it got really hot down there, then i started screaming, and then i turned on the curling iron and got to work... that is so stupid! i've got a question about this though, what is the secret service doing with a twitter account? isnt their job to keep things secret? just sayin. i'm just proposing that the secret service shouldnt have a twitter account because they are meant to be secret. to be fair, they have only had the account for 10 days, before that they were on myspace. thats funny because myspace has fallen out of favor with me and my cyber posse. i'm just like you, young people, except i'm older. with no finger prints and burnt genitals. happens to us all over time...'

- tony shalhoub man, this interview was incredibly awkward...


+ 'its not a great day if you are a fan of the circus', craig ferguson shares, 'the members of the families that own the ringling brothers barnum and bailey circus are suing each other in federal court. its getting ugly in the courtroom, theres wild charges, outburts, cars with doors flying off. today the judge said 'this trial is becoming a three ring... nevermind.' ringling brothers is one of the old school circus' like i used to go to as a kid. i used to love watching the elephants march around in a circle to the hawaii five-0 theme tune. thats what they would do, it was just two sad animals going around. but new circuses are more like circ de soli, you know the acrobats, the weird costumes, the enya music. circ de soli doesnt use animals though, they exploit a group of creatures even stranger than animals: french canadians! as a kid going to the circus always made me anxious, i used to worry that one of the wild animals would snap its leash and attack the crowd. its the same thing i worry now when i watch 'the view'.'


+ happy birthday, craig!
+ 'big news here in california', craig ferguson states, 'today we found out why maria left arnold. apparently arnold fathered a love child back in 2003. i for one am shocked that anyone would be shocked by this. i really dont understand the term 'love child'. i guess love child is nicer than saying 'shh, maria's asleep' child. aparently the woman arnold got pregnant was a former employee, i'm not sure what she did but i think she worked on arnold's staff... now a fancy word for a man that has affairs like this is a philanderer. its like a philanthropist, except you are generous with your penis. its been said that men only think with their penis, but thats not true- i can also stear my car with my penis! strangly i can only make right turns with my penis... anyway, to arnold's credit he has been taking care of the child financially, providing health care and education. the same thing he's been taking away from every other child in california while he was the governer of california.'

+ larry king interviews arnold schwarzenegger

+ craig interviews the leader of seal team six: betty white!

no more cussing, craig!

i dont know if i believe it. craig ferguson claims that he is done cussing! 'look, here's some news', craig ferguson states, 'this show is going to be different. i've decided no more cussing and i'll tell you why. this past weekend i went indoor skydiving. i though you would have to go inside a big building and it would be like aah! but its not that, you go inside this room and they have this thing. you put on a special suit and you go into this room and you get blown really hard! they turn on this machine and it goes 'whoo' and you go 'aah!' but i realized, because it was a very exhilerating experience, but i cussed a lot in there! cause i was a little bit frightened, i was like 'cussing! cussing! cussing!' and i have in fact, exhausted my supply. see, i always thought i was kind of like the saudi arabia of profanity, that i had deep reserves of cuss words that the rest of the world was envious of. but aparently i have used up all my source material, i havent even got a darn left in me. so i'm going to try not cussing for an entire show. and if that works... i'll be surprised!'


+ 'its a great day for america, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking, 'craig craig, come on. give us some proof, give us a nugget, give us a sausage that says, yes a sausage, a morsel of something that proves its a great day for america'. i'll tell you: donald trump is not running for president! people are saying 'donald trump pulled out of the presidential race', he wasnt in the presidential race! he didnt have a nomination! nobody was going to vote for him! if he is in the presidential race by saying you are in the presidential race, then fine: i am in the presidential race! its constitutionally impossible for me to be president, also i am not, but i am! now i have to say, as an american i am relieved. but as a vulgar late night entertainer i feel a certain amount of regret. donald trump is out, mike huckabee is out. at this point the only one who could derail barack obama's reelection is joe biden. 'derail? derail? like a train? i love trains, i took a train to work! choo choo!'.'
- geoff peterson, robot skeleton sidekick!


+ 'of course its friday the 13th today', craig ferguson reminds, 'so i am obligated to give you my usual warning: if you are a sexy teen camping out by the lake tonight and you think you see a guy in a hockey mask lurking in the bushes, dont worry, its probably nothing. go back to making out in that flimsy little tent. anyway, there's a new movie coming out today, its called bridesmaids. the bridesmaid of course, is a wedding tradition. my favorite wedding tradition is the old lady raps. i dont know if thats a tradition, maybe i just saw that movie while i was drunk. i've said it before, the elderly would not be neglected so much if more of them could rap! i'm just trying to help! a lot of wedding traditions go back centuries, in the olden days people got married based on how much money the bride's family had, today people get married for love or its a reality show or something like that. back in scotland, where i'm from, theres a weird wedding tradition called a 'scramble'. what would happen is that after the wedding ceremony the best man threw the coins from his pockets onto the streets and the local urchins would pick them up. that was my first job, street urchin. i would be down on my hands and knees grabbing around for coins. that prepared me to work here at CBS!'


+ 'right now the CIA is going through all the stuff they found in osama bin laden's compound', craig ferguson shares, 'they say they have found his hand written diary. i'm like 'i had no idea he kept a diary, that is so sweet'. officials say they havent read it yet cause they cant find the little key to open it. the diary has some very interesting revelations, for example osama bin laden's secret desire was to sneak into new york and catch a showing of 'mama mia'. you know what else is weird, he briefly considered joining the cast of 'two and a half men'. theres actually talk of turning osama's diary into a hollywood movie, but the producers need a big name movie star to play a temperamental mad man who hates jewish people. ideas, anyone? apparently osama was quite the writer. you notice how history's greatest mosters always have an artistic side? osama was a writer, hitler was a painter, justin bieber is a singer... its a joke, i'm kidding! i love justin bieber. i dont, but i'm frightened of young people- they scare me with their angry tweets!'

* lawrence block his latest book is actually dedicated to craig and his wife megan!


+ 'you know, today in france is the first day of cannes film festival', craig ferguson states, 'most people who live there are gone. they rent out their houses and apartments to the rich people who fly in for the festival. the french have a name for those hollywood types who fly in every year, i'm going to try to pronounce it right for you, its 'le duchebags'. theres a lot of bi movies during the premier of the cannes film festival. this year the festival is opening with the new woody allen movie. in this movie owen wilson's character travels back in time to hang out with salvidor dali. critics are saying that the new woody allen movie is pretty good, its something you can enjoy with maybe your wife or your daughter, or perhaps they are the same person... too soon? too soon yi? mel gibson's new movie is playing in cannes too, its about a middle aged man who's so emotionally damaged that he's only comfortable interacting with a hand puppet. its called the craig ferguson story!'

kangaroo balls at the north poll

who would have ever thought that kangaroo testicles would ever be at the north pole? well, craig ferguson, for one! he recently helped make this strange sight possible! 'regular viewers to this show, or as i call them 'people who dont have cable', will know that i had a guest on called wendy booker who was going to go to the north pole. i said 'oh, you will need a good luck charm to go to the north pole' and i gave her my kangaroo testicles that i kept on my desk. because carrie fisher was in australia, she brought back kangaroo testicles to give me as a gift saying 'well done, there'. and so i used to keep the testicles on my desk. when wendy was going to the north pole i said 'take these testicles to the north pole, they will bring you good luck!' well, she set me this picture! i cant help but notice that these testicles got a bit smaller... which makes me think either they are on steroids in order to enhance their performance, or two: she is actually at the north pole! and i think she is, she's at the north pole here. no sign of santa yet! but there are kangaroo's balls at the north pole. i think we can claim this as a first in the history of the world. never before in the history of the world have a kangaroo's testicles, or any other part of a kangaroo for that matter, been at the north pole- take that, guinness book of world records! the first marsupial testicles to reach the north pole, and that record belongs to me! which makes you my bitches...'


+ 'its a tough day for arnold schwarzenegger today', craig ferguson concoles, 'you know, the terminator, the kindergarten cop, the jingle all the way. arnold and maria shriver are splitting after 25 years of marriage. its very sad. today arnold issued a statement saying 'hosta la vista, half of my stuff.' its too bad though, they were married for 25 years though, thats a pretty good run, thats a quarter century. in hollywood being married a quarter century is like being married 200 years in the real world! in the last quarter century while arnold and maria were married, larry king got married 18 times! most of those marriages werent legally binding though. 'you mean i cant marry a pastrami sandwich? but i love it!' i know i've made fun of arnold on this show once or twice... or a thousand times. but i genuinely feel for arnold and maria, they are having a tough time. they originally met at a fund raiser for a museum. maria was a fundraiser and arnold was the neanderthal exhibit... see, now there i go again! i didnt have to say that but i did! people are saying that arnold is now going back into acting. he's getting a bit old for that, isnt he? whats he going to be in? conan the octogenarian? occasional recall? tinkle all the way? now i will admit that i have a soft spot for arnold, maybe its because i liked his movies in the 80's or its because i'm not a teacher in california. if he had laid off thousands of talk show hosts i proably would have thought different.'


+ 'its not a great day if you suffer from alergies', craig ferguson states, 'its not a great year, actually. doctors are saying that 2011 will be the worst year ever for allergies. now, keep in mind that the doctors said 2010 would be the worst year, and the same in 2009. i'm thinking perhaps maybe these doctors work for the companies that make allergy medicine. thats right, doctors, i'm on to you! i dont need you, i'll check my own prostate, thank you very much! although even when i do i still get weepy... there's a lot of different allergy medications, but the only one brand that really works is the one that advertises on cbs... i actually keep hundreds of boxes of allergy medication in my garage. well, actually, its more of a lab. thats right, i have a meth lab in my garage! cbs cares... allergy season in l.a. is very bad this year. 'how bad is it craig?' its so bad that the lakers did nothing but choke! allergy season is so bad that cher sneezed and her nose fell off! you know who i blame for this allergy stuff: pollen. thats right, pollen, i'm calling you out bitch. pollen is a fine powder that plants use to fertilize other plants. through out the 1980's i also used a fine powder... talcin powder. i used to chafe easily while i was high on cocaine.'
- jeff goldblum
- sarah chalke


+ 'this is a big weekend at the movies, of course', craig ferguson shares, 'the first big superhero movie of the summer opens today. i am talking about thor. which is incidentally the same thing i say after i work out my glutes, 'oh my ath ith tho thor!' now of course thor is a superhero, hes a mix of types, he's got the strength of the hulk, the courage of superman, and the thick stumpy legs of kloe kardashian. now, for those of you unfamiliar with thor, his signature weapon is a hammer. its awesome though, he has a hammer, he can use the hammer to crush his enemies and celebrate by putting up a bookcase or some shelving. his other super power is that he can change the weather, he's like sexy global warming. but he basically is a god who lives on earth among the humans. now a days we would call that 'oprah'. comic book geeks are very excited about this movie, and i can see why, this may be their only chance this year to see a movie made about comic books, except for green lantern, green hornet, captain america, priest, cowboys and aliens, conan the barbarian, and fucking x-men! you know that thor was originally the norse god of thunder. not of lightning, you see its very unionized. the lightning god was... uh, sparky! and ikea was the god of confusing furniture assembly.'

- will ferrell he brings a gift for craig's new son!


+ 'its not just a great day for america, its also a great day for our neighbors to the south', craig ferguson informs, 'or i should say 'es una dia marvillosa para mexico!' not bad, huh? it took me about a year to learn that. we used to do a spanish word of the day here every night. the only other phrase i remember is 'mi hungo es peludo' which means 'my mushroom is hairy'. you'd be surprised how often that comes in handy. now a lot of people dont know what cinco de mayo is about, and i call these people gringos. cinco de mayo is the day we celebrate the mexican army's defeat of the french army in 1862. now, back then the french army was huge and ferocious, now its just a couple mimes with a baggette. cinco de mayo is a huge holiday here in los angeles, i have no idea why. its not big everywhere though, you know what they call cinco de mayo in arizona? thursday. it might have something to do with that whole 'let me see your papers' thing. which is ironic because arizona used to be part of mexico, just ask arizona senator john mccain, he actually remembers it! i celebrate it the same way i do every year, by turning into a human pinata, i fill myself up with candy and have people hit me with a stick.'


+ 'it is a great day for america, but it is yet another bad day for osama bin laden', craig ferguson shares, 'he is having a terrible week. first of all, sunday he was killed, and then yesterday his computer was confiscated, and now the final insult: elizabeth hassleback of the view is writing a book about him! thats true! i mean, how bad can it get?!? elizabeth said she wants to write a children's book to explain to children what has happened with osama bin laden. she hasnt settled on a title yet, but i have some suggestions: 'the cat and the fatwa', 'horton hears a helicopter', or what about very simply, 'goodnight, douche'.


+ 'its a bit of a rough day today for me', craig ferguson confides, 'i went to the doctor today for my annual physical exam. at my age you have to go to the doctor regularly because they keep finding changes to my body. today i just had the typical physical exam, i think you will understand if i do the rest of the show standing up... the physical exam isnt exactly a walk in the park, unless that park is golden gate park during a ricky martin concert, if you know what i'm saying. its not fun getting a physical, i stare at the floor all nervous, i listen to the guy putting on the gloves getting lubed up. i just close my eyes and grit my teeth while he does his business. then i have to go to the doctor! but guys spend a lot of time worrying about that, you know, the old finger probe, the visit through the artist's entrance, the rubber glove love, the uno in your bruno. i'm talking about the prostate exam. as far as exams go, its not that bad. i think of it like an eye exam, its like that, if the chart read 'oh'. the worst is that my doctor used to be an optomitrist so hes always like 'is it better like this or like this' oh, just get on with it! the doctor actually said to day that my blood pressure was a bit high. and i'm thinking 'a bit?' cause i had forgotten that it was my medical today, so i didnt do any fasting and on the way to the doctor i had a coffee in the car, and i had a conversation with my ex-wife on the phone- my blood pressure should have been through the damn roof! high blood pressure can be decieving. its always going to be high when you are nervous about being at the doctors and all that, you should take my blood pressure during something thats not stressful and i dont give a rats ass about. if you took it now i would be fine!'


+ 'its a great day for america!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'you all know why, of course. osama bin laden was killed by u.s. forces. everyone on tv has been happy all day, glen beck was crying, then he found out about osama. the media has been going crazy with this, on the left msnbc is like 'president obama saves the world!', and fox news on the right is like 'president obama kills fellow muslim'. politicians on both sides are equally happy. dick chaney said he hasnt been this happy since he saw that youtube clip of the girl throwing puppies into the river. 'ah, thats entertainment!' apparently members of al quida are on the internet right now and they are slamming the u.s. in their chat rooms. i dont know why they are so mad, everyone just got a promotion in al quida. president obama must be really happy, he finally got to take down his arch enemy. i'm talking, of course, about donald trump. last night the president's announcement interrupted, i mean he must have timed it, it interrupted 'celebrity apprentice'! 'well mr. president, its been nine years but we finally got him. when would you like us to announce it?' 'give me a minute, we'll just wait another thirty minutes, i've got an idea...'.'


+ 'what a great day for britain! wasnt that royal wedding wonderful?' criag ferguson sarcastically cheers, 'it was the wedding spectator event of the year! i am so happy for those two, prince william and kiki wigglesworth. its not too late to get them a wedding gift, they are registered at inbread bath and beyond. or was it bed bath and beheadings? the wedding made me cry, not because i get emotional at weddings, but because now prince william is off the market and i thought i still had a chance! call me romantic, but i have a soft spot for goofy looking english dudes with lots of money. and when i say soft spot i am refering, of course, to the region just below my testicles... the ceremony may be over, but i've still got royal wedding fever! there's only one way to get rid of wedding fever, and its a big bowl of divorce soup. that was too much, i'm just bitter. this wasnt just the biggest wedding of the year, it was the biggest wedding of the decade, no offense kloe and lamar. two billion people around the world watched the wedding today, even al quida guys watched it, they were like 'aw she looks so beautiful, er... um... death to america!' it was a beautiful wedding though, i loved the part where he said 'i do', and she said 'ka-ching!'.'

+ dear aquaman

+ grant imahara stops by to help with tweets and emails


+ 'its a great day if you are a fan of mutinies, and who isnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was on this day in 1789 that mutiny on the bounty took place. what happened was that british sailors on h.m.s. bounty threw their captain overboard. now the bounty was a ship that inspired books, movies, absorbent paper towels. the captain was william bligh. anyway, its difficult to be a captain who is respected, you cant just put a captain's had and expect to take you seriously. what happened is the sailors spent a few months exploring an uncharted island in the south pacific and the captain said 'get back on the ship' and the sailors said 'no, we are mutinying!' cause i think they didnt like giving up the idea of sitting on a beach filled with topless women. they are like 'i've had enough of the promiscuous women here in the south pacific, lets get back to england with its repression and bad dentistry', 'actually, lets not!' so what happened is the sailors forced captain bligh in to a rickity little boat with a skeleton crew and left them to die in the middle of the night. i know exactly what that feels like... what i cant believe though is that some of captain bligh's crew actually chose to go with him. they turned down an island filled with exotic women to share a tiny boat with other men. and when those sailors got back to england they wrote the musical 'south pacific'- gunna wash that man right outta my hair!'


+ 'it is of course friday, but its not just any friday, its good friday', craig ferguson informs, 'so if you celebrate easter, happy easter, and if you dont have a happy non-denominational holiday, in your region. today is also earth day, or as it will be known in 20 years, that planet that we used to live on until we ruined it day. if you want to celebrate earth day and easter at the same time by using marshmallow peeps as insulation, go right ahead, thats the way to do it! marshmallow peeps taste like insulation, and insulation tastes like marshmallow peeps, so what you loose in the round-a-bouts you gain in the swings.'

- karen gillan its dr. who's companion!