+ last night was the american idol finale, and craig ferguson admits 'i didnt watch it, but its nice to see a competition that has a winner- im talking to you democrats!'
entertainment weekly recently listed its 25 funniest people in america and it turns out craig is number 19! congrats! craig says 'it occurred to me that i would only have to kill 18 people to be number one! sleep well, carrot top, sleep well...'
- tricia helfer. from battlestar galactica

craigs mom

in a recent skit craig ferguson played his mom. he had just been back to scotland and they did a bit about what it was like seeing his mom again. in the skit craig dawns a wig and plays his mom, while a show regular plays craig. it would have been funny, but the guy who plays craig has a way of sucking te funny out of any bit hes a part of.
now craig, i just got to tell you this: whoever that guy is who is playing you has got to stop. hes not funny, and he doesnt even do a good impression. i understand that thats partly what you are going for as a way of self-deprecation, but its not funny! that guy sucks in every sketch that hes in. he needs to go. thank you.

president bush

every once in a while craig ferguson will have an interview with a president bush impersonator. it doesnt usually go very well, as ive written before, craig is at his best when he stays clear of politics stuff. not to say that he shouldnt cover this stuff, but his best material almost always stems from his personal life.
one humorous thing about when he interviews bush is that bush always calls him by a funny nickname like 'fergunator', 'fergasourus', or 'craigs benedict'.


+ it seems that this past tv season has been the worst ever on record, admits craig ferguson, 'and id like to take some credit for that. your welcome'.
craig tells us that today is waiter and waitress appreciation day. its important that we appreciate our waiters and waitresses because 'they are alone with our food before we eat it, and i dont want them to be angry with me then...'
+ president bush interview skit


+ two more presidential primaries are coming this week, as well as the american idol finale, craig ferguson tells us. 'it is a juvinile contest no one cares about anymore, and american idol...'
craig talks about how the actors might be striking soon, and asks 'am i considered an actor? i just stand here and say crap. but i guess thats all acting really is, just pretending craps happening'.
+ skit of craig visiting his mom
- a j buckley from csi: new york
+ what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? just before craig tries to answer, an audience member shouts something out. 'well, we learned that the audience is unruly. doesnt anybody understand the word 'rhetorical' anymore?'

the jk show

another person craig ferguson likes to impersonate is jk rowling. he sometimes does a bit where he plays her hosting her own talk show, 'the jk show', where he plays her as not really caring about anyone else, desperate, and obsessed with money. she comments regularly about how she could buy anything and tosses around money stacked up on her table. its quite a funny bit mostly because of the voice he uses for her by speaking out of the side of his mouth.

email buff guys

craig ferguson has added another jingle to his collection of email time introductions. this one is a bit different though: its not a different style of music, rather its a theme. and that theme: craigs head attached to a bunch of really buff guys. the first time he used it was the same day that the first gay wedding license was issued. coincidence? i think not...

intern rehersal theater

this one is new: a couple times craig has had his interns recreate a skit that was just done in the episode. they read the lines poorly, dont really pay attention, and are prone to laugh. its kind of funny to see two guys who obviously dont look like bono and the edge banter as if they are those two guys. its kind of fun to see his interns and allow them to have the spotlight for a moment.


+ this past weekend craig ferguson headed back to the old country, scotland, and he has come back with a thicker accent, and a desire to fight! he tells of how he went there for a wedding of his good friend john, he wore a traditional kilt and dagger, but 'my bags got lost! but to be honest, the people at the airline couldnt have been less helpful. i was in scotland, and my bags just arrived on the island of cyprus- a kazillion miles away!'
+ craig goes on an unprovoked rant about how pineapple doesnt belong on pizza. i completely agree.


+ craig ferguson mentions that the new narnia movie, prince caspian', is coming out today. he then proceeds to make fun of the british. he shows a picture of the prince from the movie 'hes much too good looking, princes dont really look like that, they look like this' and then he puts up a picture of himself as prince charles. then he goes into a string of jokes at the expense of the british people. 'oh, vinnie jones is going to kill me...'
+ monologue recap, pirate recap


+ its the 103rd birthday of the city of las vegas, craig ferguson informs us. vegas used to be run by gangsters, and craig tells us that he used to be in a gang. he was once in a bar fight back in scotland and the other guy pulled out a sword- an actual sword! 'never mind buddy...' 'i didnt know i was in a real gang, i thought it was a 'west side story' gang, where we would fight with jazz hands!'
+ email question: why is there no cheese flavored cat food?


+ today marks the ten year anniversary of frank sinatras death, craig ferguson tells us. one of the things craig liked most about sinatra was the fact that he could sing anything and it didnt have to make any sense at all, he could sing 'rooty toot toot baby, tonight' and pull it off! 'he sang popular music back when pop music was safe and bland... just like today! take that james blunt.'

pirate recap

it seems, says craig ferguson, that some people have been writing in saying that they dont get home early enough to see the monologue, so they ask him to give a quick recap of what he said so that they can be all caught up. though this is obviously not true, it does allow craig the humorous opportunity to quickly review his 10 minute opening monologue into a fast thirty seconds. this recap is usually followed by another: 'our pirate viewers also complain that they cannot understand the monologue, so for them, we will recap again in pirate language'. craig then puts on an eyepatch, a pirate hat, and a hook hand. he then proceeds to add a lot of 'arrr's and other piratey things in his second 30 second recap. quite funny.

email time vegas style

another email time jingle is in the style of a las vegas lounge singer, specifically frank sinatra. as a few envelopes dance like vegas showgirls, he sings 'rootie toot toot email time oh, yeah, baby'

U2 on film

a segment craig ferguson sometimes does on his show is a bit where he plays bono and 'late late show' regular phillip mcgrade plays the edge. the two of them banter back and forth about movies.
bono will first try and talk about a particular movies themes and deeper meaning, while the edge will misunderstand and make a joke about it. bono will yell at him for being such a buffoon, but soon devolves down to his level. over all, this is one of the funnier bits on the show.


+ texas, craig ferguson tells us, has 4 of the 10 fastest growing cities according to a new study out. 'you know their motto 'dont mess with texas', i wouldnt cause everyone has a gun! driving around everyones like 'after you...' 'no, after you...'.'
+ after craig does a lame bit he states the fact of the matter: 'its ok because i feel we dont have to be good, because there will be another one tomorrow. its not quality, its quantity that counts. were not good, but were punctual!'
'jk rowling show' skit
- parminder nagra. from e.r.


+ speed racer recently came out and craig ferguson spends some time talking about it. he shows a clip from it and is blown away by how crazy it looks.
craig says that he loves racing and nascar. i guess i can forgive him for that, hes not from around here, he doesnt know any better...
+ 'espn uk' skit
- john stamos
* judith smith-levin. writer
= jaymay


+ jenna bush recently got married, craig ferguson tells us, and she didnt even get a pre-nup agreement. 'it seems that the bush family doesnt believe in exit strategies...'
craig also tells a fun story about how he and him mom, for mothers day, went to brunch, 'the only openly gay meal'.
+ he must have been light on material, because he shows three skits this episode: 'u2 film review', 'ask aquaman', and 'intern rehearsal theater'
-christopher gorham. henry from ugly betty
+what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? 'we learned that the audience gets candy, you can get through an airport quicker if you have an american baby, and christopher gorham let pamela anderson have his banana.'


+ recently two senators started holding hearing on the violence in the video game 'grand theft auto 4', craig tells us, 'ah, our tax money at work. i guess they think kids shouldnt be seeing fake violence, only real violence on the news. im sure its very comforting to people whose houses are being foreclosed on right now to know that congress is acting quickly on the gta fake violence crisis...' he adds this bit of advice: 'teens are always going to be getting into bad stuff. if you want to stop them you have to take radical measures, you know, like parenting!'
+ arnold schwarzenegger interview skit
- melvin lardy from 'ax men'
+ recently craig has been inviting people from the audience to come sit with him up front during the last segment. dang, why didnt he do that while i was there?

murder, she wrote

a recent segment craig ferguson started doing is a play on 'murder she wrote'. its kind of strange, considering the show went off the air in 1996. leave it to craig, though, to come up with an excuse to dress up like a woman...
each segment takes place somewhere that angela lansbury is staying. she always asks 'has there been a murder?!?', and if one hasnt taken place, then she fixes that herself. the skit isnt terribly funny, unless craig breaks character and starts laughing (which happens a lot...).

ask aquaman

another repeating character that craig ferguson portrays is the dc comics hero aquaman. im not entirely sure why he picked aquaman, but i enjoy it none the less. he wears the crazy outfit, wig and all, and stands in front of a screen showing fish swimming in the water. a fish on a string drops in on him with a paper in its mouth. aquaman grabs it and reads a question someone has for him. then he answers the question. actually, he doesnt really answer the question, usually he just informs us that he and his fish will soon try to take over the world. strange, but funny...


+ a new study shows that the size of ones butt is linked to likelihood of diabetes. craig ferguson deducts that 'having a big bottom may protect you from diabetes, but it doesnt offer any protection form sir mix a lot'.
+ craig talks about some of his experiences in the ocean and tells us 'dolphins are not the nice sleek animals of the water- they are surly and angry. like the germans of the sea!'
'murder she wrote 2008' skit
+'dear aquaman' skit
- felicity huffman (man, i really miss 'sports night'...)


+ a volcano recently erupted in chili, craig ferguson informs us. craig tells us that he has been on a volcano before to go to the hot springs on it. he says 'its like bathing in the chowder of the gods'.
there seems to be a bit of new furniture about. instead of the usual two chairs with a small end table between them, he has only one new chair and a new end table. cool!
+ what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? 'we learned tonight there was a professional audience, a tie represents a part of the anatomy, and i told a story about a furniture company in new jersey that was not very interesting. sorry about that...'


+ this is quite a scary show- its show number 666! craig ferguson talks about evil things during the monologue. he informs us that the only way to defeat the devil is with a fiddle 'oh, i cant pay with these hooves! why did i even invent country music?'
+craig tells us that the devil in miltons 'paradise lost' is what gave us the modern image of the devil. 'he goes by many names: lucifer, beelzebub. he keeps changing his name- like the evil puff daddy'.
* michael starr, author


+ craig ferguson talks about how he really likes the iron man movie, especially robert downey jr., 'i love him, hes a normal guy. hes not too pretty like brad pitt, and not too rugged like hillary swank'.
+ speaking of 'iron man', craig admits that he loves iron and finds it quite calming. in regards to the superhero he asks 'in this day and age is iron really the best choice for an indestructible suit? villains would ask 'how can we defeat him?' 'maybe just put the hose on him for a bit and he'll get all rusty...'' soon after they show another 'ask aquaman' skit.
+ interesting email question: in the old days did they have antiques?
- lake bell (she sure looks a lot like aots regular blair butler, huh?)

no email time

i was wondering when it was going to happen. craig has been reading emails from viewers almost since he started, and for the past couple years he always asks off stage if there is time for an email. a year or so ago he even started having little jingles with basic animation to answer him and tell him yes. these jingles take on all different kinds of musical genres and are quite funny. but it finally happened- the ran a jingle that answered 'no!' it was really funny, they turned it into a huge production number that is twice as long as the 'yes' jingles, which is even more funny because they dont have time for an email, but they have time for a super long jingle?!? after they played it, craig said 'oh. well ill do one anyway- i cant live by your rules, man!'

schwarzenegger interview

craig will often have impersonators on the show who he then mock interviews. usually its the president or arnold schwarzenegger. these bits are not usually very funny. i think the reason for that is that these bits are all political based, and craigs weakest material consistently comes whenever he tries to get political. he is at his best when he is making observations, rants about society, retelling a story, or just being silly, but political humor is not his strong suit. usually the interviews with arnold devolve into jokes about his wife, and thats not usually very funny. and the guy he gets to do the impression is not very good either. i must admit, when these bits come on, i usually just fast forward through them...


+ craig ferguson made a little mistake: he tells us that before the show he 'had those chips that dont make you fat...' and now he has to race off stage to the bathroom between each commerical break. oops...
in quite strange news, craig says that the greek island of lesbos is suing a gay rights organization saying that only their inhabitants can be called lesbians. 'a whole island of lesbians? get my travel agent on the phone! break me off a piece of that!'
+ late late show regular tim meadows reports on the new game 'grand theft auto 4'. craig asks him what the game is about and tim replies 'its about a sleezy eurotrash dirtbag who moves to america... sound familiar?'
= she & him. zooey daschanels band
+ what did we learn tonight, craig? 'potato chips making you fat- thats just natures way. mess with it and youll pay.'


+ roger waters recently performed at coachella, craig tells us, and he lost his giant pig. so sad. craig talks about all those huge concerts going on and admits 'id never go to a big music festival anymore, too many annoying things like people and happiness...'
+ but craig does talk for a bit about a kiss concert he went go years ago. they came out on stage trough the mouth of a sphinx. crazy.
+ what did we learn, craig? you may not know, but the guy who invented lsd knows,. in movies bad guys are bald, and oprah is farty.

espn uk

a funny recurring segment on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' is the espn uk bit. its meant to be the british take on sports and features craig ferguson as former futball great but current loser dirk weems, and playing the straight man is late late show regular phillip mcgrade as sir cecil wellsley-hogg.
usually they will give a hilarious take on american sports. most often this segment is done when athletes are on the show as guests. no matter what they are talking about it is always at the expense of dirk weems who always gets called names and made fun of.
this is certainly one of the most reliably funny bits that craig features.


+ recently hillary clinton announced that she will be appearing on bill o'reillys show, craig ferguson tells us, 'this should be a great confrontation: on one side youve got the loud mouth bully who wants to tear apart the democratic party, and on the other side youve got bill o'reilly.'
craig also talks about the racey miley cyrus photos that just came out, 'disneys a bit worried, cause theyve been caught up in this before when chip and dale became exotic dancers...'
+ brad and angelina skit. very lame.


+ just getting back from the capitol, craig ferguson had a lot to share about his time at the white house corespondents dinner. first off the most important 'i know your probably wondering 'does the president smell presidenty?' yup. he smells like daisies.'
'it was a really fancy dinner and i didnt know which fork to use, so i watched the president and did the opposite. it worked out pretty well.' one of the things that craig especially likes is that 'the president spoke before i did, so i guess he was kind of my warm up guy!'
+ 'it seems that everyone is mad at me, but one journalist said i was like goldilocks: not too harsh, not too boring, but just right. either that or its because i was wearing a blonde wig and slept with bears.'
+ 'dick chaney came up to me after the show, patted me on the back and said 'enjoy your audit...' hes funny for an evil guy, i tell ya!'
- ewan mcgregor. he and craig are a blast to watch, its obvious that these two are close friends and were giddy like school girls when they are together!
+ ewan is on an 'espn uk' skit and it is riotously funny! he wears a fake mustache like craig does in the skit, but it proceeds to fall off as they go along. one of the funniest bits ive ever seen on the show! check it out here.
+what did we learn tonight, craig? we learned how dick chaney dances, that nothing is worse than a firecracker up your ass- these two things are not necessarily related... fake mustaches dont always stay on, and one late night appearance can discredit even the finest of actors.


+ a big weekend is ahead for craig ferguson. he is set to perform in front of the president of the united states at the white house corespondents dinner. he even appeared on david lettermans show as a guest in preparation for it. its obvious that craig is actually a bit nervous about it, but tells us 'its a big honor for a comedian to go, which i guess i technically am...'
+ tim meadows comes on to talk with him about the dinner and to try and give him some advice and jokes he can use. they are all quite lame and craig passes on them. 'so its a racial thing then?' asks meadows. 'no, its a quality thing!' retorts craig.
* connie schultz, writer


+ hurray! craig fergusons old sidekick davis has made his triumphant return! craig is once again arguing with himself, but of course blaming his imaginary sidekick. welcome back davis, we missed you!
craig wishes barbara streisand a happy birthday and he talks about some thing he just read- allegedly she had an affair with prince charles 25 years ago. craig wonders if they had a kid, if so it would probably be clay aiken!
+ craig gets an email from someone in clarksville and it makes him think of the old band 'the monkees'. he asks the question 'wouldnt it be great if they were actually monkeys? no mike nesmith, so i bet theyd still be touring swinging on trees and eating bananas.'